To not want to do this favour?

(91 Posts)
PaperDollChain Tue 26-Jan-16 18:16:36

I'll try and keep this brief. I've been with DP around 18 months. We both have dc from previous relationships. There have been some issues regarding this, mainly that the dc fight terribly and as DP is living with family, he prefers to spend his contact at my (too small for all of us) house. I have trouble saying no to this but it means I don't get to really enjoy having my dc on my (every other) weekends. I posted a very long thread about this in step parenting.

Dp is at my house a lot during the week. That's ok by me, he mucks in and shares the household chores and I enjoy him being here. Sometimes I have to go to late evening meetings for work and he will help watch my two youngest dc with the help of my eldest dc (16).

So dp has a work night out soon. He's bought his ticket but his childcare for the night has fallen through. He has asked me to watch his dc at mine. I'm really not sure about this because although his dc behaves impeccably for him, it's a different case with me. I am a soft touch anyway but have trouble disciplining other people's dc, even DSC. DP knows this but thinks as long as he gives him the hard word before hand, it will be ok. Experience tells me that it won't.

But, I feel bad saying no. If I don't do it, likelihood is, he won't be able to go and he already had to cancel last year for a similar reason. Basically, he has limited people to ask to watch his DC. I'd love to help him but I just think it would be a disaster. He's also asked if my eldest could watch him at my parents' house but I think that's unfair on both my parents and my eldest. I was a bit annoyed that he'd even asked tbh. I have let my eldest watch my youngest but only for something essential like work, only ever for a few hours, never overnight and my eldest also finds DP's DC a handful (DP just doesn't seem to see that his DC is capable of bad behaviour). Btw, this would be a night out but because it's in another city, he'll be staying overnight there.

But AIBU to say no considering that he has watched my dc for me?

bimbobaggins Tue 26-Jan-16 18:19:37

Can he ask the childrens mother to swap access days?

Purplecan4 Tue 26-Jan-16 18:19:54

How old is the dss?

FunkyPeacock Tue 26-Jan-16 18:21:31

If you really can't face spending an evening with his DC without him there then isn't that a bit of a deal breaker?

Do you really have a realistic future together if his DC are that bad?

YANBU to not want to do the favour but I'd be rethinking the whole relationship in your shoes

Griphook Tue 26-Jan-16 18:21:38

Why would your eldest need to be at your parents to look after dsc?

In all honestly it does sound a bit like he is using your home as a contact centre, where does he live, why can't he have them there?
A

But as for the weekend away cou he not negotiate with his ex? I know it's his contact weekend but she might not mind swapping one weekend

PaperDollChain Tue 26-Jan-16 18:22:13

bimbo, he could but he won't. Thats a whole complicated thread of its own but basically she'll probably say no.

Dp's DS is 7.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 26-Jan-16 18:22:42

I think YABU. Just toughen up with the kid if he's misbehaving, it sounds very unfair to your dp.

mamapants Tue 26-Jan-16 18:24:58

How bad is his behaviour?
Surely it must be really awful for you not to want to do this one favour for him, especially when he looks after your children for you.
I can't imagine saying no under these circumstances

PaperDollChain Tue 26-Jan-16 18:26:02

Funky, yes, thus has occurred to me. But, as we've only been together a short time, I'm waiting to see if things improve in that respect. I do like his DC, it's just that he doesn't behave well for me. I can't cope with the dc all fighting and because I have a hard time saying no to his DC, it makes for a very difficult time for all of us. I'm not saying mine are angels btw, they can be handfuls too, but they're mine so I can discipline them no problem.

It was suggested that my eldest has his DC at my parents' to split all the DC up. They fight terribly otherwise.

WorraLiberty Tue 26-Jan-16 18:28:10

If he lives with family, can they not mind the dc?

TendonQueen Tue 26-Jan-16 18:28:29

I remember your other thread. You need to set stronger boundaries with both your partner and his son. I remember you not feeling comfortable telling him off etc but if your DP is out and you're in charge, it's fine to do that, and I expect it of anyone doing that with my DS. I also think you need to say more firmly that your partner shouldn't just bring his kids round to yours every weekend. Don't crumble because he'll be 'hurt'. He needs to get on and parent his own kids.

HairySubject Tue 26-Jan-16 18:29:45

Considering he helps you out with your children I think it is mean to say no to this.
You say you have been together a short time but he is already looking after your children?

PaperDollChain Tue 26-Jan-16 18:30:22

epilepsy, I've tried to discipline him, but I cant. I just can't. I've told DP before that I don't want all the DC alone for the time being, but obviously now he wants me to watch him.

The behaviour is nothing major, it's just the fighting between the kids for the main part. But there have been some things like he threw two soft toys at me recently which hit me in the face. DP dismissed it as an 'accident' hmm. He basically does what he wants. I also think there's an attention seeking element to it. He's an only child so not used to having to share things and attention. Although DP just doesn't seem to see this himself.

Homemadearmy Tue 26-Jan-16 18:31:41

Would your parents have your dc, maybe a bit of one on one time with his dc would make things easier for you.

Purplecan4 Tue 26-Jan-16 18:32:46

I think with the help of your 16yo, you can manage the 7yo boy as a one off even if he is very disobedient. Can you keep your littler Dc in separate rooms from his?

That said I can't see the future here if the dc fight that much.

MiniCooperLover Tue 26-Jan-16 18:34:13

Oh goodness, you sound so wet! He's 7, be the boss !!! And just because he's an only doesn't make it automatic that he can't share etc, it just means he needs boundaries. If you won't do this, accept that your DP shouldn't do it for you!

PaperDollChain Tue 26-Jan-16 18:34:30

My parents are already having my sister's dc that night.

I do think it's a bit different when dp watches mine. I'm grateful of course, but he's staying over at their house, my eldest would do it if he didn't, it's only ever for a couple of hours of which they are sleeping for most it and DP has no issue in disciplining mine.

iwantavuvezela Tue 26-Jan-16 18:35:17

Could you take them all to the movies or something to break up all been at home the same time?

wannabestressfree Tue 26-Jan-16 18:35:41

I think your mind is made up to be honest but... How 'early days' is 'early days'? How long have you been together?
If I saw a future with someone I would muddle through for the evening. He helps you and he wants to go. If he really can't ask whoever he lives with now or feels it impossible to swap I would suck it up....
If you see no future then nip this in the bud..

YesterdayOnceMore Tue 26-Jan-16 18:36:09

He has asked you to babysit his 7 year old for one night and you don't want to do it. I would babysit for my friends children in these situations, especially if they had babysat my children lots of times in the past.

If you can't look after your DPs child for one night, then I don't really see a future for your relationship.

Unrelated to this, as I think you should babysit for him, I don't understand why the family he lives with can't look after his son either.

Katenka Tue 26-Jan-16 18:36:12

So you haven't been with him long and yet he spends most of his time at yours and babysits.

And you are refusing to help him out with childcare.

I think that's unreasonable. Do you really see this relationship going the distance?

19lottie82 Tue 26-Jan-16 18:36:29

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here..... If you can't / won't look after his DS for one night then it suggests there are a lot bigger problems than your DP missing a night out.

IMO if you want this relationship to work then you need to get your DP on board and toughen up when it comes to disciplining his son when he's in your care.

BertrandRussell Tue 26-Jan-16 18:41:06

You've been together 18 months- and you don't want to look after his child for an evening. Not sure there's much of a future here, to be honest!

Ragwort Tue 26-Jan-16 18:42:16

I can't believe that a 7 year old can really be that badly behaved - you sound as tough you are frightened of him; you just need to toughen up - it's only for one night and surely you can just send all the children to bed early if it gets too much - and your comments about only children are unkind as a mother of an only child.

And if you really can't 'manage' this child - why on earth stay in a relationship with his father?

TendonQueen Tue 26-Jan-16 18:43:28

Actually, yes, why can't his parents or whoever's house he lives in have his son for one night?

Agree though that if you're saying you can't discipline a 7 year old who isn't your own child, that does sound wet. I think you should practice this and get used to it. Doesn't help that your partner doesn't back you up - have you talked to him about this?

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