To be annoyed at this comment?(20 Posts)
I might just be being precious but this comment really wound me up!
Backstory is I have had a job since I was 15 - part time at a local supermarket up until I finished college. Worked full time since I left college at 18. Since I got the part time job I was expected to pay for things myself. Obviously I was still living at home and my parents provided food and essentials, but if I wanted non essential clothes, or to pop to the cinema with friends, I was expected to pay. Fair enough.
When I turned 17 I spent almost all my wages (this was only about £200-£300 a month as was a Saturday job) on driving lessons and driving related things. Passed my test and bought a very cheap run around. Parents very supportive but did not contribute to this, I wasn't bothered and was pleased I had done it myself.
Fast forward to now (6 years on) I've continued to support myself financially in every aspect. DP and I rent a small flat in London, and are paying off our wedding which is next year. Again, we pay all rent bills etc.
I have just got a new car, as in brand new ordered from the garage. My car died a death and was undriveable so was car less for a month or so. Didn't know what we were going to do as couldn't afford a new one. My Dad recently got headhunted for a new job and got a very significant pay rise. He and my mum explained they didn't want to be patronising but with regards to my car, they were offering to make the payments on a new car until a year after the wedding (so essentially two years out of the four years plan). I was very very grateful and we went to the dealers and ordered the new car.
A friend has recently had car issues too and is looking into options. I suggested the dealers I used as we got a really good deal and thought I was being helpful. Was met with "Well actually, Blue, not all of us have parents who are able to just pay for a new car when we fancy it!".
I'm so cross. My parents are wonderful and always been supportive, however I was taught if I wanted something I pay. Yes they're helping me massively with this car due to my dads pay rise and it's amazing, but I really resent this friend acting like I just fancied a new car so went running to my parents. Writing this down I'm aware how ridiculous it sounds to be so annoyed by one comment but it just got to me.
Wow that was a long whiny post. Needed to have a moan, woops, sorry!
It would annoy me too.
It shouldn't though. Your friend probably doesn't know the background and how you worked to pay for eveything yourself in the past. There is probably also some jealousy involved. Try to let it wash over you. You know you've worked hard to pay for your own things and that's all that matters. I hope you enjoy your new car.
Does your friend know that this is the only thing they have helped you out with financially? If she doesn't then just set her straight and explain that a- they haven't ever helped before and b- they haven't paid for it out right and you will be paying towards it too.
If she does know that they don't usually help out with money then I would just ignore it, maybe she's a bit jealous? Not worth getting into an argument over it with her though.
Is she normally one for making comments like this?
If not, she may just have been feeling stressed and said something bitchy which she now regrets.
I don't know if she knows your background or not, if she does know how you've worked and saved in the past then what she said was even more unfair, but hopefully she will realise that on her own.
If she doesn't know, that doesn't excuse what she said, but at least you can put it down to her ignorance and tell yourself she really doesn't know what she's talking about.
If you feel you have to say something to her, I'd keep it simple and say something like "I was surprised and a bit hurt by what you said the other day, my parents are able to help this time but this is the first time, and what you implied was unfair" and just see then what she says in reply.
But that's only if you really feel you have to say something. Personally I'd leave it and just be more careful what you tell her in future.
How did she know they were paying for it to comment in the first place?
To be fair, they may have offered but you didn't turn it down so she's right in her comment. She obviously struck a nerve.
To be honest it would irritate me too. I wouldn't have been rude back though, just explained that I was looking more in the price range of x to y rather than buying new. Sometimes people just want to complain and sound off, rather than have practical advice offered.
She has known me since we were 11 (friends from school) so fairly sure she knows the background.
She also knows it's my parents paying as I've not been secretive about it. I'm aware it was incredibly generous of them to do so and am not pretending I've bought it myself as I couldn't afford to. My friends know we're not struggling, but we don't have a large enough disposable income for me to go and buy a brand new car.
autumn I disagree. I didn't just 'fancy' a new car and decide my parents should pay. My car had a huge fault that rendered it useless. It was 10 years old and I'd had it for years. I work full time about 40 minutes away from home and needed a way to be able to get to and from work on time. My only option would have been a very very cheap runaround and I spend most of my travel time on the motorway. My parents were worried about this and offered to help as they're now in a position to do so. It wasn't a case of I could afford it but didn't want to, and I didn't expect it or go running to them.
Thank you though, glad to know it's not just me being previous. I guess I should be more appreciative that this is my biggest problem at the moment, but it still annoyed me so oh well!
Weeeeellllll, if your friend is looking at buying a used car for £2000 and you've blithely recommended your new car dealer as really rather good and they don't sell anything for less than < plucks figure out of the air > £8000 I can see how that could just come across as you having no idea...
I mean, your parents ARE buying half of your car for you. I wouldn't welcome advice on really good places to buy a car from someone who wasn't actually paying for it either.
Sorry - you sound really nice and it's clear that you have worked hard over the years. I wonder whether you have grown up looking down on people whose parents buy them stuff and can't quite get to grips with the fact that you have just joined that club. Like my DH who, the more middle class he gets, the louder he insists he is working class
She never actually named a price, was more of and off-hand 'oh I'm thinking about a new car' and I mentioned it. Granted maybe I should have checked before offering that option.
I don't think I've necessarily looked down on people who have had parents who support them, if anything I was probably a bit jealous at the people with brand new cars on their 17th birthday and there was me working at a checkout every weekend to pay for my 14 year old rust bucket
Who knows, maybe you're right, it did feel very odd having them do it to be fair!
As she has known you for all that time I think you are right to feel hurt. I would keep off the subject of cars in future.
If she knows you that long, I'm imaging it's just a bit of jealousy leaking out. Not unreasonable to be jealous (she's in the situation you were in, but doesn't have the luck to get what you just did), but also not unreasonable to be a bit hurt at her voicing it in that way, either! I doubt she looks down on you or anything like that.
I probably would have thought the same as her, tbh, but I'd have kept it to myself
<gets the violin out> My parents weren't great at providing even the bare essentials for me, and recommendations/advice from friends with helpful parents who had no idea, really did get on my nerves.
She was probably just stressed, I wouldn't take it too personally. She probably feels a right tit.
If it's a one off thing, I would probably ignore it.
YANBU, it was huffy and there was no need. You just made a suggestion.
I wouldn't let it annoy me any further though, friends are allowed a bit of a huff now and again.
I would be annoyed too but I get comments like that all the time from people I knew growing up. My Dad is wealthy and DH is now earning big bucks. Someone I have known from 11 threw it back in my face when I suggested she look at holidays in the caribbean, cuba to be specific. In the grand scheme of things, if you are looking for winter sun you need to look further afield so I thought my suggestion was a good one. Apparently not! I was told that 'It must be nice that that you have never had to pay for your holidays.'
After I had finished swallowing my tongue I realized that it is all about perception and people never know what is going on behind the facade. First off, I know I am lucky but more importantly DH and I pay for our holidays (one in the past 5 years). I hold down a pretty tough job and run extra money making things on the side. I might not make as much as DH but my income is not to be sniffed at. Also, the last time my Dad paid for anything was when I was 18. Post 18 everything was paid for by me. I got zero financial support through university and worked my rear end off. Again, it is all about perception so because I never told anyone, everyone assumed I got my money from my Dad when in actual fact I was working 40 hours a week, running student nights and renovating houses over the summer.
Smile, nod and remember never to suggest anything again to them!
YANBU. That reminds me of a time an ex of mine made the sneery comment that "It must be nice having Mummy and Daddy to give you money all the time" just because I happened to mention in passing that my parents had lent me money for something. I was about 27 at the time and had been working full time since I was 19, so just like you OP it wasn't like I was some kind of scrounger. Made me so cross!
Well she told the truth didn't she? That was how she felt and she had every right to express it. I wouldn’t dwell on the comment, it sounds as if she's stressed tbh.
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