AIBU to feel like life shouldn't be this hard?

(19 Posts)
alpinejane Mon 25-Jan-16 13:32:11

First time poster to go easy on me! I've been with my husband for 6 years and we have a very lovely 4 year old daughter. My husband hasn't worked for 20 years and he'll be 60 this year. I'm 43 and I run my own successful small business. When I met my husband he gave me lots of reasons why he'd been out of work - looking after his mother (who died about 5 years ago), applied for lots of jobs but never got one etc. He's very charming & talks a good talk. I'm a bit gullible & I tend to believe what people tell me.

He was pretty good when our daughter was young, but less so now - he takes her to school every morning and that is about it. I pick her up from school, look after her after school, do the bulk of the child care at weekends, sort her clothes, doctors, dentist etc. He will look after her if I say I want an hour off to go for a run, but usually she ends up watching TV or they argue.

I work at least 40 hours a week in a job that I enjoy. I'm self employed so I have very flexible hours, but I usually work every night after our daughter has gone to bed (the price of being able to collect her from school).

People ask me what my husband does all day. The answer is, I don't really know. He takes the dog for a walk. He sits on the toilet for half an hour 3 times a day (don't laugh!!). He reads railway magazines. He looks on the internet. He does a bit of DIY if I ask him to (but his rate of work is so slow it's painful.......!!!). He does the washing if I ask him to. He doesn't do any other housework as he doesn't care if the house is dirty. He's not a stupid man. As I've said, he's very good at saying the right thing. He says he'll do lots of things, but they never, ever happen so I've given up believing anything he says. If I want something to happen I do it myself, I don't rely on him to do a thing anymore as I've been let down too many times. We've had chats about him getting a job and he says he will but then he never even looks for one. Our sex life is non-existent as I find his lifestyle unattractive and I guess any love I had for him 6 years ago has been eroded away by this. He's quite happy (and who wouldn't be with this lifestyle). His family have all disowned him (which doesn't seem to bother him) but I'm close to mine.

I'm not unhappy, in fact most of the time I am happy - I have a lovely daughter, a great job & financially we're well off (thanks to my work). I tend to view the world in a positive way. My husband isn't unpleasant. But I do wonder if I'm a complete mug and I should kick him out. But then I want my daughter to grow up with 2 parents - so I bite my lip and keep on going...I also wonder if there are mental problems of some kind - but he doesn't seem depressed or anything.

My daughter has recently started to ask me why her dad does nothing all day and one day she even said she wanted a new dad. I tell her she's lucky to have the dad she does have, but I can't help wondering where this is all going to end.

AlwaysHopeful1 Mon 25-Jan-16 13:34:59

My daughter has recently started to ask me why her dad does nothing all day and one day she even said she wanted a new dad.

So then your idea of her needing two parents doesn't make that much sense does it. Even she can see it for herself. Wow he's got away for 20 years doing this, he's actually living a great life at your expense.

gamerchick Mon 25-Jan-16 13:35:21

It won't until you kick him out. Listen to your daughter, she's learning all about relationships from you both.

whois Mon 25-Jan-16 13:40:01

Maybe worth seeing a family law solicitor to see what the land looks like re custody, maintenance etc... Hes set himself up very nicely hasn't he!

AppleSetsSail Mon 25-Jan-16 13:43:04

Your life is hard because you've got a noose around your neck.

Does he have the good sense to be at least a little embarassed about how little he contributes to your union?

Gottagetmoving Mon 25-Jan-16 14:06:27

Has he got friends? Could he have social anxiety?
I would imagine after so long his confidence would be low as to finding and getting a job.
You need to have a serious talk with him and tell hmmm how you feel. He should explain what's behind all this behaviour.
You may as well be a single parent so unless he can talk to you about this, I would tell him that you are ready to go your own way with your daughter.

x2boys Mon 25-Jan-16 14:11:40

How did he support himself before he met you ?

Devilishpyjamas Mon 25-Jan-16 14:22:17

See a lawyer - you might have to pay him maintenance if you kick him out (I'm not joking).

He would drive me up the wall OP.

pippistrelle Mon 25-Jan-16 14:30:27

Time to be honest with him about the way you're thinking. And, that way, you at least give him an opportunity to put things right, or to change. It doesn't sound like he has changed during the course of your relationship, so frank discussion may be a shock - and a kick up the backside - to him.

Do you know why his other family have disowned him?

OneTiredMama Mon 25-Jan-16 14:46:48

My OH has health problems so I'm the only one working in our family however despite bad health he does all the housework and looks after ds a lot if the time, I only need to ask if something needs done. To bring no income, have no health problems, no attempts to get a job and still not do his fair share is ridiculous.
Tell him how you feel and that he can either pick up the pace and show some effort or start supporting himself without you and your daughter. You need to do what's best for you both.

AndNowItsSeven Mon 25-Jan-16 14:50:02

Could he have aspergers op? It sounds like he needs support.

alpinejane Mon 25-Jan-16 15:17:21

Before he met me he was unemployed and lived on benefits for more than 10 years with his mother lending him money.

His sister has health problems and has to work to support her family, she hates the way he has got away without working.

Birdsgottafly Mon 25-Jan-16 15:22:48

Does he do the housework?

Can you have a full conversation with him about how you are (and your DD) are feeling?

It isn't going to be easy for him to find work and probably keep it, at his age and without references.

He'd have to have a proper plan, starting with voluntary work.

If he wants to save your marriage, that is.

SquinkiesRule Mon 25-Jan-16 15:32:16

Let your Dd ask him what he does all day and why doesn't he work like Mum. Maybe if he sees this though new eyes he might want to change some things.

bibliomania Mon 25-Jan-16 15:33:11

In all honesty, he's probably not that employable at this stage.

Does he make your life better by having him around? If so, you might decide he's worth keeping as an expensive pet, basically.

If not, as a pp says, do make sure you get legal advice in case he is able to falsely claim that he's a SAHP and end up with you paying maintenance.

rageagainsttheBIL Mon 25-Jan-16 16:14:56

No, life doesnt have to be that hard. You sound like you are starting to really resent him, and who could blame you?

You're only 43, you could easily have another 43 years ahead of you... Do you really want to spend it in a sexless marriage with a lazy cocklodger?

Only you can answer that but it sounds like the only thing keeping you together is that you want your daughter to have two parents. But he barely parents her even when he lives together and even your daughter now resents him, it could hardly be much worse if he didn't live with you?

Creampastry Mon 25-Jan-16 17:11:21

What sort of future will you have with this person? He has I guess no pension, what a lazy arse.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Tue 26-Jan-16 12:18:29

Is he an enthusiastic parent? Does he 'do' nice/useful stuff with your child?

Tbh i would be worried what sort of message your daughter is receiving...

As others have said - you're young... My 49 year old pal with 2 kids, has just moved her gorgeous (and working) 33 year old long term boyfriend in.... They are blissfully happy...they arr saving and planning for their next house move... In his manual job he is saving 2k a montj for their future...

You could have a life like this....

You need to decide what you want and how kuch you can tolerate...

I know its impossible to know - but i can't see this ever changing... And in time you may well havr a partner in ill health....

Of course he had no reason to change... unless you change the consequences....

If it were me;

Decide if you want to live woth him - eother at all, or only with some changes.

Non-negotiables for me would be: a proper convo and plans with time scales.

A (voluntary) job for at least 4 days a werk... He's such a poor prospect not having worked for so long by continuing to do nothing hes making it impossible for himself...

BarbarianMum Tue 26-Jan-16 12:27:32

I agree that the chances of him finding work at this point is about zero. he may also have very low confidence, self esteem and/or social anxiety.

None of this explains why he is a lazy f*cker around the house though. It's not as if he's busy looking after home and child.

I call cocklodger and suggest you get rid OP. And if you choose to keep him, please don't lay that decision at your dd's door - she doesn't deserve that guilt.

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