to think that I shouldn't have to tell DH to play with DD?!

(24 Posts)
SparklyTinselTits Fri 22-Jan-16 16:54:20

I've posted about DH's lack of attentiveness to our DD before, but now it's really starting to bother me!
She's 9mo, and is going through a stage of separation anxiety. I am in the kitchen at the moment cooking dinner, and DH and DD are in the living room. I heard DD whinging at the baby gate and getting increasingly more upset. I assumed that DH would take the hint, and distract her with toys and play with her for 10 mins while I'm cooking....apparently I assumed wrong!
I had to walk into the kitchen, take a toy from the box, sit down on the floor, grab DD's attention and say "ok daddy will play with you while mama cooks dinner" for him to reluctantly get up from the sofa and put his mobile phone down angry
He's not been at work today either so he doesn't even have the "I'm tired" excuse to use.
AIBU to think I shouldn't have to ask/tell DH to play with his own child?! Or am I being a bit precious about it??

SparklyTinselTits Fri 22-Jan-16 16:55:11

That's supposed to read "walk from the kitchen" not "to the kitchen"

VoldysGoneMouldy Fri 22-Jan-16 17:09:12

You're not being precious, he's being a twat. Does he ever willingly engage with her without you telling him to?

SparklyTinselTits Fri 22-Jan-16 17:14:20

He's hood when it comes to all the necessary care like feeding and changing etc. It just seems to be keeping her entertained he doesn't bother with, which IMO is just as important as the necessary care!

BonesyBones Fri 22-Jan-16 17:23:07

I think - and may get shot down for it - that very broadly speaking, men don't seem to have the same "know what to do" feelings that women do in regards to children, specifically very young children.

You say he's good with general care and it's possible that he'd be of the thinking that she's too young to "play" because babies obviously don't really follow a play structure. I find that DP and his brothers are the same as you describe with all the young ones until they hit about four.

The sisters on the other hand are all over the young ones.

I'm not at all saying that's right though.

Even if he didn't think to play with the baby he should have noticed they were unhappy and attempted to distract them to resolve that. I think that's the very least you should be able to reasonably expect.

So no, YANBU.

SparklyTinselTits Fri 22-Jan-16 17:29:39

I think that's why it bothered me so much because DD was upset!

RNBrie Fri 22-Jan-16 17:30:14

It's passive aggressive to speak to your husband via your child. If you wanted him to distract her why not just tell him?

I think some people can tune out whinging better than others so he probably just didn't notice. A quick "hey dh, can you play with dc for 10 mins whilst I do the tea" then a proper chat about it later is how I'd have handled this.

BillBrysonsBeard Fri 22-Jan-16 17:34:19

YANBU, it's teamwork.. He should always be alert to whats going on so you don't need to think of everything or become a nag.

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 22-Jan-16 17:40:07

If it helps at all my DH was exactly the same, he just couldn't play easily with DS when he was a baby, now he's a toddler they have amazing games/fun together but basically until he started walking (pretty much around 1) and interacting more DH just couldn't work out how to entertain him.

Probably not the answer you want but you aren't alone, there were plenty of "just play with him FFS" conversations going on here!

SparklyTinselTits Fri 22-Jan-16 17:40:19

I do worry about being a nag!! I constantly feel guilty for asking him to do stuff when he's been at work all day....except today he hasn't.

Muskateersmummy Fri 22-Jan-16 17:49:51

Used to drive me scatty so no I don't think you are but I agree largely with bonsey. My dh was very similar when dd was that sort of age. Much less so now that she older and more "fun"

StarlingMurmuration Fri 22-Jan-16 17:53:19

My DP is really good with DS most of the time but he is much better than me at screening out low level whinging. I frequently have to tell him to distract DS if he's being whiny at the other end of the room from DP, though he is happy to engage if DS comes over to him. It is annoying when all three of us are in the room together, because it's always me who responds to DS's mood first, while DP sits then on his tablet.

WorraLiberty Fri 22-Jan-16 17:53:57

I had to walk into the kitchen, take a toy from the box, sit down on the floor, grab DD's attention and say "ok daddy will play with you while mama cooks dinner" for him to reluctantly get up from the sofa and put his mobile phone down

You did what?

Why? confused

I mean why didn't you just call him to sort your DD out?

FelicityGubbins Fri 22-Jan-16 17:57:37

My DH was the same, I found the solution was to have a specific game for them both to play while I cooked, in our case it was a load of paper cups I bought from the pound shop, dh would stack them up into a triangle and ds would knock them down to much laughter.
The fact that dh got to sit on his arse on the floor rather than chase after a crawling tot might have encouraged the game too....

ShesAStar Fri 22-Jan-16 18:00:18

My DH can be a bit like yours. He works long hours and often caries on working when he gets home. If I'm busy and he's supposed to be 'in charge' of the DC they usually still come to me for whatever they need. I tend to say 'can you not hear the baby?' or something along those lines - UANBU - it's very irritating.

ArriettyMatilda Fri 22-Jan-16 18:05:31

Yanbu, my dp is similar, dd will be crying and protesting and he'll try to comfort her or continue getting her dressed etc but doesn't say a word to her! It's like he thinks she can read his mind. Dd is two so would understand him explaining some things. Sorry I don't have any advice but it would really piss me off if I was cooking and dp wasn't trying to keep a baby from crying.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Fri 22-Jan-16 18:08:55

YWNBU to expect your DH to be more attentive to your DD.

YWBVU to adopt the passive aggressive method of asking him via your DD. Talking to people like that is horrible and there have been a few threads recently where men have talked to the OPs like that and have rightly been labelled twats. You should be able to calmly say "DH, DD's getting upset, can you play with her while I'm busy please", and have a chat about it later if required.

Katenka Fri 22-Jan-16 18:10:41

He could be like me.

I tune out low level whining. I don't mean to but sometimes as a sahp I had to. Ds moaned all the time.

I am not particularly good at playing on the floor type stuff. Although I would definitely have entertained 9 month old. It doesn't take much.

Why didn't you just say 'can you see to her' or 'why aren't you seeing to her?'

BathtimeFunkster Fri 22-Jan-16 18:14:45

If he won't play with his child, he could at least make the dinner.

Sitting on his phone ignoring his baby and having his dinner cooked for him like Lord Muck ffs.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Fri 22-Jan-16 19:04:36

I don't have children and I'm not used to kids til they're school sge st least. But I visit my friends baby a lot and if my friend is in another room and the baby cries I will try to distract her with a toy and/or pick her up for a cuddle/walk/change of position.

If dd was just sat there then I can kind of get him not engaging. But if she was distressed then hibu

SparklyTinselTits Fri 22-Jan-16 19:23:53

If she's not upset, she usually happy to just potter around exploring everything in the room, but she was getting upset (like I said in my OP, this appears to be a period of separation anxiety, she cries unless she can see me).

junebirthdaygirl Fri 22-Jan-16 19:27:13

My ds had a baby with his gf at a very young age. From the outset he naturally just seemed to enjoy playing with her. My df was a busy dad in the sixties with a very big Irish family. He constantly played with us and with whoever was the baby or toddler at the time. My dh suffers from depression and every evening after work played non stop with ours when they were small.ln my experience men are great at playing with babies. With your dh I blame the bloody phone. He is just tuned out.

PenelopeChipShop Fri 22-Jan-16 19:36:30

Yanbu and this is something you need to try to sort asap. My DH is very similar but unfortunately our DS is now 3.5. He doesn't ever really take the initiative to entertain him yet wonders why I am the favourite - because I'm more fun ffs!!

I truly don't get why so many men are like this. It's all just excuses too - ' I need to unwind after work' / 'I'm tired'. I come straight in from work and play with DS as there isn't long to do so until he goes to bed. But with DH it's all about his needs and feelings, not Ds's. I'm so sick of it and all I can say is have a calm talk about it NOW, don't end up like me!

notenoughbottle Fri 22-Jan-16 20:12:57

My ex-p was like this. I remember the one time we took her to a park together and he told me he didn't want to do anything with her shockDidn't want anyone looking at him apparently... After we split I used to invite him in rather than him taking him off as he doesn't have his own home. He would just sit on his arse and do crap all and pester me asking for help with dinner/bath time etc I'd had enough in the end. I hate a lazy man!

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