To be a bit hmm?

[MustangMillie]

After a few drinks consumed on first date last night date said he thought I looked beautiful. He followed this up on second date saying I looked pretty. While I'm completely flattered to hear this, I am actually neither of these things!

Would you lot take it as a compliment? It was nice to hear as I had made an effort both times but equally a bit as I know that it's not true! Just raised my suspicions a little

NB: the guy who was saying all this is lovely but very young (well, 21) and has not had a girlfriend before. A bit suspicious he feels he has to say things like that to get women to like him/to get a girlfriend! The adage "flattery will get you everywhere" comes to mind

[BathtimeFunkster]

Maybe he thinks you are beautiful?

[MayhemandMadness]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe, to him you are pretty.

[MustangMillie]

True, maybe I am! But I can't help but think he feels he has to say it to me.

[MustangMillie]

Thank you for your responses by the way

[LaurieFairyCake]

I think the problem is that you don't think you're either of those things

Beauty/pretty is also about looking bright/energetic/engaging/fun/happy/exuberant

He's paying you a compliment because he likes the way you look. Whatever that look is clearly you look fab.

[YouTheCat]

My partner says these things to me. I'm no oil painting but I appreciate the compliment. I'm not bothered if no one else thinks I'm gorgeous, so long as he does.

[BillSykesDog]

Um, you really need to work on your self esteem. Why are you walking around thinking everyone thinks you're a hideous old boot? I know quite a few women who are not classically beautiful but exudes something that makes them very attractive.

Besides, someone who is a 5-6 can become a 9-10 when you throw in how you feel about the things they talk about, their outlook on life etc, etc.

He probably just fancies you.

[Owllady]

Why would he say it to you if he didn't think it?

[SaucyJack]

One person's ugly is another's striking. It's the idiosyncrasies that give you character. Look at any catwalk model and you'll know what I mean.

Or maybe he was just looking at your tits.

Either way, I'm sure it was a compliment.

[MustangMillie]

My tits are miniature

[MustangMillie]

Weird question (and possibly worth starting a separate thread about it) but how do you lot "come to terms" with your looks? I can never be happy with what I see in the mirror. I wish I could either change things (which is pretty impossible and would require a lot of work I imagine), or reach a level of "this is what I look like, take me as I am". The amount of time spent thinking about my fucking appearance (vain as it sounds ) is actually exhausting

[marmiteandcheeseplease]

As others have said, maybe he just fancies you! My DP often tells me I'm beautiful/very attractive. I'm not. I'm pretty average looking and don't have a problem with that. But I know that he isn't just saying it - he genuinely just finds me more attractive than I am, objectively speaking. Take the compliment and feel good about yourself

[toffeeboffin]

Well OP, I think you are as hot as hell so I'm not surprised he does too!

Give yourself a break

[LaurieFairyCake]

To build self esteem you do self esteemable things. Make a long list. Everything from work/charity work/community work/singing/dancing/yoga/helping others/prioritising things you like to do

Don't leave a lot of time for fannying about with your looks (unless that's you're 'thing' - for some people having manicures/facials/clothes shopping are fun activities they enjoy)

Focusing on tiny 'flaws' is damaging and not something we want to model for our children - we are the sum of all our fortunate and mistakes

[LaurieFairyCake]

'Fortunes'

[HanYOLO]

I am nearly a hundred now (or at least that's how I feel) and I say, TAKE THE COMPLIMENT.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

Beauty really does shine through. I know some aesthetically perfect individuals who have no spark or real beauty. Whereas some 'plainer' folk shine and are stunning to be around.

You're gorgeous OP.

[LizzieMacQueen]

I read your OP and thought your angst was because on Date 1 he calls you beautiful but by Date 2 has 'downgraded' you to pretty.

Seriously, did you find him engaging? If yes, enjoy Date 3.

[MustangMillie]

Thanks all - Lizzie that's just opened up a whole new can of worms He said "really pretty" which sweetens the pill somewhat

[Goingtobeawesome]

Flattery will only get you everywhere if younshag him because he said it and not because you want too. Lighten up a bit. He's not proposed on date two!

[toffeeboffin]

'but how do you lot "come to terms" with your looks?'

Good question.

Combination of age, defeat and wrinkles

Just kidding.

I guess you have to see your best features - and make the most of them.

This could be wearing the right colour, dressing well for
your size/features or just having confidence in how you are.

I'm never gonna be RHW - but I am me, Im unique and I make the most of myself!

Accept yourself, love yourself, then others will too.

[Sweetdreamsforall]

mustang I don't want to be quick to assume but have you heard of bdd? I've had this since a very young age. Too much time looking in the mirror thinking I'm not good enough and wondering why people called me beautiful.

I hope it's just a bit of negative thinking of course because we can deal with that 😊 There's been some great advice in this thread already. I would say that half of what makes a person attractive is their personality and the level of confidence they exude. Be kind, smile a lot, have good manners. Basically be the opposite of Miley Cyrus.

Then for the other half make the best of what you have. The way you eat makes a difference to how you feel, as does exercise. Dress nicely in things you suit but feel comfortable in. Don't be afraid to glam up on occasion and style your hair. I can tell you that a lot of 'pretty' girls will do this to some extent most days of the week, they don't all actually look that gorgeous without doing anything. Well, maybe ariana grande.

Stop looking in the mirror too much is my biggest advice. You can go from feeling a 9 to a 2 after staring in there too long. Nobody else stares at you like that anyway.

Fill your life with things that make you happy and build your self esteem up. There is so much more to you than a face, so show those off. List 7 awesome things about yourself right now! (you don't need to post it of course)

X

[MustangMillie]

Sweetdreams thanks for your post, wow, really helpful. I do think I have BDD actually. I had some surgery done last year on my nose and made the classic error of thinking I would now look good (or at least better!)

As it is, my nose is nicer but the rest of my face (to my eye) still looks hideous.

I have spoken about this tentatively with a counsellor/therapist but they didn't really address the issues. They sort of said "oh gosh can't you see you are very attractive" which while well-intentioned and sweet just confirmed the problem to me. To my mind people tell you what you want to hear but that doesn't address the root cause.

Sorry for pity party. I realise how vain and obnoxious this sounds.

It doesn't help that a lot of people in my life (friends etc) are in jobs that promote physical attractiveness and so get gushy compliments about that side of things. Just hammers it home further how disparate we are

I think I need to focus on things other than looks for how. I really am driving myself mad