To accept a life of celibacy ?

(8 Posts)
mistymoons Wed 20-Jan-16 06:48:24

Obviously have namechanged.

I turn 40 this spring, and am not married. I've also never been engaged, never lived with a partner, never even come close to having a partner. In my twenties, financial pressure meant I worked in the sex industry for a bit but I wasn't really young (about 25/26) and that's oldish in terms of never having had a partner.

I don't know whether there is something wrong with me, as friends split up with their partners or even husbands and immediately afterwards join plentyoffish or match.com. I've half heartedly been a member of dating sites before but I always end up deleting my profile as I get upset when no one shows an interest which is quite frequent and it makes me feel bad and like there's something wrong with me, and I've tried a few sites by now. I also struggle with openness and honesty as I know once and it was several years ago now a man asked me about previous relationships and looked a bit hmm when I said there hadn't been any and I was only 31 then!

As it is I feel happy enough but I kind of feel I have a half life and I feel sad about that. My friends experience amazing things that you can as a couple or a family - weekends away and holidays and travel around other countries. I'd like to experience sex with someone I fancy and love and trust but I never really fancy anybody! I think I've turned that part of me off.

Do I just accept as I go into middle age very firmly, that the part of my life where love and sex could have featured, is gone? Or is there hope for me? I haven't the stomach for dating sites I don't think.

JustHavinABreak Wed 20-Jan-16 07:50:07

I wonder are dating sites a bit "all or nothing"? People there are only looking for a relationship/a date/a shag. As we get older I find that the best relationships - either romantic or platonic - emerge from shared passions and friendships. Why not set aside the dating sites for a while and have a good think about your interests. Do you want to write? Join a photography club? Play a sport? Learn a language? Make 2016 the year that you do something just to nourish you, and you may be surprised at the kindred spirits you meet when you stop looking for them.

lostincumbria Wed 20-Jan-16 08:10:26

OP, you might find more help and sage advice in Relationships. You can get your post moved by reporting it and asking admins to help.

TiredButFineODFOJ Wed 20-Jan-16 09:06:02

Hi OP
On the one hand I am generally single, and quite content with that, so you may want to think about whether you are content or could be content without a partner.
On the other hand you could consider whether some kind of counselling or life coaching could build your confidence around dating and starting a good relationship.
OLD is a bear pit! Also if I ever feel wistful about couples/families I just look out for some arguing in the supermarket or read threads with "LTB" in the replies on here.
I'd like a partner, but not to the extent that any wankbadger will do.

maggiethemagpie Wed 20-Jan-16 09:08:31

Do you experience much sexual desire? Are you actually attracted to either the opposite sex or your own sex? Some people are asexual and just don't feel much desire, so don't end up having relationships. Do you think this could apply to you?

mistymoons Wed 20-Jan-16 10:03:16

Hello and thanks for replies.

I haven't done OD since my early thirties as I did find it upsetting and confidence destroying but on the other hand the lack of interest in real life makes me think it's the only way to meet anybody.

Or perhaps the truth is most people meet their life partner before the age of 25?

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Jan-16 10:11:29

I met my DH early, but was also widowed early, I'm 47 and I've recently joined OD sites, because like you, I feel there's a gap.

Look around, there's no common theme running when it comes to couples. Older People, ugly people, even not very nice people etc start and stay in relationships, you can meet someone at any age, but I agree that it isn't easy.

I've got no other way of finding a BF (don't particularly want to live with someone), than OD. My friendship group is fairly non existent.

You do need a thick skin and a fixed idea of what you want to get out of dating.

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Jan-16 10:13:56

I'd just like to add that most people take stock in their 40's and its unusual that there isn't some feelings of not grabbing every opportunity, you could have. Mine features around my Career/house buying and paying more attention to a friendship group.

There may be a few things going on for you.

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