Stop calling me mummy!(77 Posts)
A family member calls me mummy and I don't mean in the normal way of saying to dc "let's find mummy" or "shall we go ask mummy if she would like a drink" as obviously that's who dc know me as so it's perfectly reasonable, nope, she does it ALL THE TIME.
When I arrive at hers she'll say "hello mummy" or "mummy, would you like a cup of tea?" It's slowly driving me insane!
I had a really stressful time just before, during Christmas and into new year and part of the reason was me feeling as though I had lost my identity and doing literally nothing for myself but everything for everyone else. I went to the doctors and it turns out I had some pretty serious deficiencies and now have medication and am feeling bloody great! So although the doc said the deficiencies accounted a lot towards my low mood and exhaustion he too agreed, after talking it through I had a hell of a lot on my plate.
I have started to say "no" to other people and standing up for myself more. I have lessened my responsibilities and stopped allowing people to depend on me so wholly when they do absolutely nothing to help me in return. This has not gone down well with some people but I've had to do it for my metal wellbeing.
I have finally grabbed the bull by the horns and enrolled on a course leading to a degree to get me into my dream career and I'm really enjoying it. My eldest is at school and I've put my youngest into childcare, she's really settled well and is really happy. I feel like I am doing something that is just for me and my brain feels engaged, I feel reborn if you will and its a giant breath of fresh air for me!
Since being on my course and having my name used, this issue is becoming more apparent.
Sorry went off on a bit of a tangent there, just wanted to give some background.
Now it's just this one problem I don't know how to tackle. I find it really rude and quite patronising. I am not this persons mother, my view is only my children should call me mummy. My DH doesn't spend all day saying "what would mummy like for tea?" "Mummy, what shall we watch on telly?" "So mummy shall we call it a night?" So I don't know why this person does it.
Other family members are starting to follow suit which I do not want.
I can't remember exactly when it started but it's been a while and at first I just found it strange but thought it would pass but it's just gotten worse.
All my friends with children say it's weird and understand me taking it as a put down.
So my aibu is am I overreacting to this? Would you find it acceptable? And what would you do to combat it?
My main thought is to scream "if I didn't squeeze you through my vagina please don't call me mummy! I have a name, use it!!"
How long has this been going on? Tbh it's a bit odd that you didn't laugh at them first time they did it.
You're just going to have to say "it's ok, the kids aren't here, you can use my actual name you know [big grin]".
Can you just not answer until they use your name? I think that's what I'd do. Throw a few 'oh sorry, are you talking to me?' Comments into there for good measure. It's less confrontational that saying it outright but I'm sure most people would say that's the better approach to take.
I would hate it op, and I don't think you're overreacting. I find it very weird when people do it if they're not talking to children.
When I first had my baby quite a few friends took to calling me 'Mum'. Drove me crazy that they didn't use my name. So no YANBU, this would cause me to LTB.
It's fine to say to your DC 'let's go find Mummy'.
It's quite odd for another adult to call you Mummy rather than your name though.
I'm assuming that this is your Mil? Perhaps she thinks you like it?
Just politely say "please call me Jay" with a big smile. Every. single. Time.
If they were talking to my children for example "let's find mummy" that to me is acceptable.
Popping their head in the room and saying "want a drink mum" when talking to you directly is a bit off
museumum it's a while, I can't remember exactly, it was never while I just had ds, it's come around since having dd, she's 2 but it isn't that long, I'd say maybe the past several months. And I completely agree looking back I have no idea why I didn't question it there and then, I simply just didn't. I like your idea and think I will try that. It seems very clear cut and to the point of what I want to achieve.
excited I've done the ignoring thing but it doesn't seem to work that well, she'll just remove the mummy and ask the question but still not using my name instead
IamCarcass yeh it's the not being seen as a person with a name and just "mummy". It's not DH that does it by the way if that's what you meant by LTB? Apologies if that's not what you meant.
Quiet yes it is MIL and it's BIL that is starting to copy. I think my issue is me feeling as though I'm being rude by arguing my point if that makes sense.
Thank you all for replies.
I think I'd try asking if she could call you TruJay not mummy, if she asks why tell her you just prefer it. Or could you get DH to do it?
I'd vote for a joky "I'm not your mummy" perhaps
I'd be asking MIL if she needs to see the doctor about early onset dementia as she seems to be confusing you for her mother.
"My main thought is to scream "if I didn't squeeze you through my vagina please don't call me mummy! I have a name, use it!!""
I think that nails it, personally! YANBU. It's possible that she means well but under the circumstances - really, not helpful to you, and she surely ought to be able to understand that and abide by your wishes?
Call her Granny? Or Nan, Nana, Nanny, Grandma, whatever version she doesn't like?
I would ask them why they refer to you as mummy and yet don't refer to your DH as daddy.
Nip this in the bud now before it becomes even more ingrained.
Does your DH support you?
That would drive me insane, to the point I would struggle to be polite. It just seems so contrived, like they are trying to provoke a reaction...
Jay it's not rude to politely ask someone to call you be your name!
Over the years, I have discovered that I can say what I want to my PIL if I do it in a polite, cheerful tone with a smile. Eg
Please don't take them out of the high chair, it's not safe and inconsiderate to let them run round a restaurant.
Please don't give them chocolate (at 12 months old).
Please don't give the baby your glasses to play with it's causing bad habits.
Please don't give the baby your beads to suck it's causing bad habits.
It's actually quite difficult to complain that someone speaking in a politely cheerful voice has been offensive. << evil grin.
Totally reasonable for you to want to be called your name.
I'm sure that you are very pleased and proud to be someone's mummy but that's not all you are.
I am not a fan of direct confrontation so I think I'd go with a 'Mummy? You'll be after me wiping your bottom next hahaha' or 'Aww, Is it a mummy cuddle you're after hehe'. In a jokey tone but drawing attention to it being odd.
Or go with the approach the woman in The Ring took towards the girl and kick her in the chest and shout 'I'm NOT YOUR FUCKING MOMMY!' I reckon that'd do it if needs must.
"if I didn't squeeze you through my vagina"
Oi, that's sectionist, that is.
OP just tell them to stop doing it, and blank them if they continue. Would drive me spare too.
YANBU, it's quite odd behaviour. I had no issues with my identity after having children but still disliked being called 'mum' by the nursery staff or nurses, although I could tolerate it. If somebody knew my name but still called me 'mummy', I would definitely call them on it.
'Please call me Trujay, not mummy', with a nice smile. If they persist, a not so pleasant 'Why are you still calling me mummy when I've asked you not to?' Easier said than done, I know, but it's the only way you're going to stop it.
Agre with Puntastic OP, your last para nails it! Funny, lighthearted, witty and gets the point across.
I think the polite request is the way to go - with a hint of steel underneath (if you can pull that off).
And your dh should back you up - if his mum or brother complains to him, he needs to say that he supports your choice not to be called 'mummy' by them.
needa that's exactly what's happening.
Gruntled wheelie and clutter that's it, I don't know whether to do serious or jokey! But all good suggestions.
puntastic I'd love to say that.
That's why I thought I could be overreacting with how I've been feeling.
gleam I've done the just referring to her as grandma and never her name but I felt like a twat doing it and I only did it a few times, she obviously doesn't feel the same way.
leelu she's done it the odd time to DH but that never stuck! She's just keeping it up with me. DH is massively supportive, we've got a huge history with inlaws being shitty, really shitty! And he's only helped me out with it all.
chipped that's how I feel it is being done. She's not happy that I've started studying, saying I can't do it etc it's too much all at once, I should stay home with kids another few years.
quiet you are so right! It's so easy and believe me I am not this person that I currently am, I'm a feisty bugger. I never let anyone walk all over me or give me shit I am just so worn down over the years I think but now I feel like no more, enough is enough and I want this shitty name thing to stop!
I'm guessing it's a SIL who's picked up on your feelings of losing your identity to mummyhood and is doing this deliberately because she
is a nasty piece of work has her own demons snapping at her heels.
I suggest you tell her outright that while you're mummy to your dc, to adults you're <state your given name> and you'd be obliged if she'd use it otherwise it diminishes the joy you feel when your dc call you mummy.
As for your MIL and BIL, a reminder that you are their DIL and SIL respectively and that your name is not 'mummy' wouldn't go amiss. Perhaps your dh could get on board with this request as having you constantly referred to as 'mummy' diminishes him and your status as his dw.
alison that's exactly it, I love being a mum and I'm bloody good at it! But I'm TruJay too!
thisis haha brilliant!
liz and msvest I think direct is gonna be the way.
ilove I think my idea is perfect but don't think I could do it.
sdtg he has suggested saying something himself but I've told him not too, I think I need to suck it up and do it.
Jay I'm pretty feisty too but I tend to be very careful with my (mostly lovely but occasionally steamrollering PILs) because they are easily offended and it hurts my DH to be put in the middle (though he is always supportive).
Subtle hints don't work. Jokes don't work. Upset requests don't work.
Bright breezy, polite requests (with the hint of steel STDG mentioned) work brilliantly.
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