To say something to my family about this?

(61 Posts)
ilovetea69 Mon 18-Jan-16 10:53:29

Last Monday was my birthday; Tuesday was my brother’s birthday; Wednesday was a special day in my culture where you can celebrate a big event that has happened in the previous year – so we were celebrating the birth of my niece (aforementioned brother’s baby who was born in December).

My brother organised a meal out. Because I have a big family, we usually lump occasions that’s are near to each together, rather than doing something separately for each occasion. We all went along and at the end of the meal my mum distributes gifts (gold earrings) to all the girls in the family from my brother and sister in law (me, 2 sisters and 2 nieces), again a traditional part of our culture.

She then pulls out a pair of earrings for my sister in law (who she actually hates) – this isn’t part of our culture but I get that MILs sometimes want to spoil their DILs – my mother in law is like that with me.

Then the waitress comes out with a cake. I say to my sister in law ‘who’s birthday is it’, she says my brother’s name. Then they all sing happy birthday to my brother and not one of the mentions my name or acknowledges that my birthday was a day before my brother’s bday and 2 days before this cultural festival.

No cards, no gifts, no mention – NOTHING!

Part of me thinks I’m nearly 40 and to say something would be petty but the other half of me thinks why should I walk around and be upset and have this playing on my mind?

To give you a bit of background, my mum favourites my older sister and my brother - evident by getting my sister biggest/most expensive pair of earrings and loudly declaring she thought my niece’s earrings where her favourite and she ‘just loves them’, yet not saying anything about the earrings she brought my other niece. Why not just buy them the same?

My SIL and mum don’t like each other, they just try and get on for the sake of my brother. Only last week I stopped a massive argument between the two of them by intervening and smoothing things over. What thanks do I get for that?

I know it might sound silly, and there’s nothing they can buy me that I obviously couldn’t buy myself, it’s just the sheer thoughtless of it all.

CocktailQueen Mon 18-Jan-16 10:55:50

YANBU. That is shit and very selfish of them.

AlwaysHopeful1 Mon 18-Jan-16 10:57:28

Yanbu bit mean of them, however maybe your db said something to her along the lines of wanting something just for him.

RB68 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:16:14

There should have been two cakes end of. I am cheeky and would have said - "err folks where's mine??" on the basis that the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Anyway - Happy Birthday OP. I am afraid the only real decision you can make is to ignore it and be the bigger person.

RB68 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:18:01

Actually thinking about it you say Brother organised it - I bet what happened is SIL ended up doing it and forgot or didn't think about your Birthday

CoraPirbright Mon 18-Jan-16 11:21:52

Your brother organised it - how did he frame it to the family? It entirely depends on this. If he said "its my birthday, lets get together" then your problem is with him being selfish. If he announced to the family "lets get together as it is my birthday, ilovetea's birthday and also the <insert name of cultural event>" then I would def have to say something to the family as a whole as it is mean and thoughtless of them.

thecitydoc Mon 18-Jan-16 11:21:56

I fail to understand why adults feel the need to celebrate their birthday and get all upset when other people do not make a fuss over them. I have no interest in celebrating my birthday and over time my relatives have come round to my way of thinking - I still get cards but the scale/value of presents have diminished, now typically things I would buy myself. However this year I have what they call a special birthday - not special to me just a number - and so under pressure to celebrate. I will not give in although they seem to think I will.

ilovetea69 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:22:26

No, my brother organised it. He sent the invite via text to us all. He didn’t mention my bday in the text but I presumed – cause we always do this – that it covered all the occasions.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 18-Jan-16 11:24:58

Op comes on to relate sad story about being overlooked by her family on her birthday. Clearly the right thing to post in response is 'Well I don't like my birthday and I fail to understand why you care about yours.' hmm

YANBU op, your family are being proper thoughtless dicks.

ilovetea69 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:25:53

thecitydoc – this is the reason why I am asking AIBU. I feel the bigger thing coming into play here is not forgetting to celebrate my birthday (like I said in my OP, I’m nearly 40 and there’s nothing no once can buy me that I cant buy myself) it’s the thoughtlessness and the blatant difference in treatment.

I have two options – speak to my mum about it and said it was upsetting to be ignored (and risk sounding petty and childish) or, the next birthday celebration, not buy a present, saying I never got anything so I thought we weren’t doing gifts anymore (which sounds passive aggressive).

What to do?

Katenka Mon 18-Jan-16 11:38:14

They aren't the only two options.

If he organised it and never mentioned your birthday, then it was his birthday bash. Tbh I don't get adults who have to have bash every year.

I really don't get what the pair of earrings for sil has do with anything. So what if the don't get on? Your DM didn't want her to feel left when all the other women were getting something.
Who organised your dbros cake?

ilovetea69 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:42:26

Katenka – my brother organised it. I don’t expect to have a ‘bash’ every year, but not even a mention, from any of them? Including my own mother?!

The earrings comment was because, she thought to buy the DIL who she doesn’t like something, yet she didn’t even get a card or even a mention for me?! That’s what hurts.

My brother organised his own cake.

Gobbolino6 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:42:33

YANBU, I'd have said 'where's my cake, then?'

CoraPirbright Mon 18-Jan-16 11:42:37

So your bro organised it as a thing to celebrate his birthday and his birthday only? That is entirely his right to do so and I am afraid I think that just because it has always been that you celebrate things lumped in together, your assumption in this instance was incorrect. Perhaps you should have spoken up before, replying to his text and copying everyone in saying "is it just for your birthday then or are we going down our usual route of celebrating all the most recent occasions i.e. your birthday, mine and the cultural celebration?" . Then it would be clear. Perhaps he was fed up with always having his birthday lumped together with other things?

I do think the earring thing sounds horrid though - why not just choose a lovely pair of earrings and get everyone the same? None of this - "here, these are for you they are the best ones/these are for you, they are not as nice". That is just bound to cause hurt and upset - why would anyone want that?

Why not wait a few weeks and organise your own celebration (I have no truck with not celebrating birthdays even when a bit older - why ever not?!!)

Katenka Mon 18-Jan-16 11:43:34

Also my mum and my dbros wife don't get on.

I don't particularly get on with sil either. She has been very cruel to my mum.

But I would be mortified if mum gave all the women in the family something (including sils dd) and left sil out.

LizzieMacQueen Mon 18-Jan-16 11:45:23

Who paid for dinner?

Katenka Mon 18-Jan-16 11:45:44

Katenka – my brother organised it. I don’t expect to have a ‘bash’ every year, but not even a mention, from any of them? Including my own mother?!

I was talking about your brother actually.

He has organised his own birthday bash and his own cake.

Unfortunately it just sounds like you assumed, it was for you too because this is what you have always done.

Has no one done anything at all for your birthday? Not even a card? If so, I can see why you would be upset about that.

LizzieMacQueen Mon 18-Jan-16 11:45:57

Was it your DB's 40th birthday?

ilovetea69 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:48:37

Gobbolino6 – I should’ve said something at the time, but it sounded petty.

CoraPirbright – My brother organised it as thing to celebrate his bday and the cultural celebration to celebrate the birth of his daughter. Maybe I should’ve spoken up before, but I just assumed - perhaps that was wrong. But then when we were all there, why did no–one say oh and happy birthday to you too. Surely their minds weren’t completely focused on his bday and the birth of his daughter, they can't all have forgotten?!

LizzieMacQueen – we all chipped in for dinner

Katenka Mon 18-Jan-16 11:50:45

Maybe they felt embarrassed to as you dbro had organised it.

Honestly OP I would put this down to experience and try not to assume in future.

ilovetea69 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:50:49

Katenka – No card, no gift, no mention apart from a text on my bday. If they wanted to do/say something, surely this was the forum for it?

LizzieMacQueen – No, it wasn’t his 40th.

Katenka Mon 18-Jan-16 11:56:03

Katenka – No card, no gift, no mention apart from a text on my bday. If they wanted to do/say something, surely this was the forum for it?

Assuming they usually Do more. Like get a card and present then Yanbu about that.

But I would let the party go

ilovetea69 Mon 18-Jan-16 11:59:33

They usually do more, however, going back to a PP asking why I don't plan my own meal out / celebration in a few weeks time, I did this 2 years ago and they all turned up with nothing.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 18-Jan-16 12:00:15

I'd arrange my own birthday celebration. Spell out 'Since it was my birthday on 'this date', I thought it would nice if we all got together to celebrate it! I'm looking forward to MY cake!'

Then watch them squirm grin

Katenka Mon 18-Jan-16 12:02:29

So you have organised your own and they up with nothing?

But gave your brother presents at this meal?

I can understand you being hurt at that.

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