To ask for your help re leaving and shared parenting

(46 Posts)
Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 11:32:44

I have another thread running about leaving and practicalities which has been hugely helpful. The other huge issue is shared care once I've left. Dc are 1 and 5.
H only really clicked yesterday that I am leaving in a fortnight and I have always said I want no money from him and we would have shared care. I think I am mainly saying both so I leave without a fight.
I can support us on my salary and I do have a leaving fund.
I have contacted a mediator and suggested we go.
He wanted me to sign a piece of paper there and then yesterday saying I will never ask for money and I will share the care. I found him frightening and said we could do it all through a mediator.
He has been abusive towards me - never the kids - but I always have my ear out at home if it's his 'turn' with our 5 yo for harsh parenting and neglectful parenting like rubbish food, unlimited time on games/ TV. He does set up a dynamic with ds of, impress me or I'm not interested, which makes me sad. I absolutely want my dc to have a good relationship with their dad and that's a big part of why it leaving- I can only think he'd be happier without me and a happier parent with them alone.
But I am worried still. He has depressive episodes which means he can barely wash himself and then needs me to do everything with our dc. He won't get help for it and won't admit it's a problem.
We have provisionally agreed he would have them 3 nights per week, sat, sun and Monday (but with me doing pick up and tea as he won't be finished work on time and my hours are more flexible, not sure what would happen about the overnight bit), and I'm worried it will be too much. Although he has been horrendous to me, I do want the best for him and I am meaning this well.
My main concerns are not only will I have enough time with my DC, especially my very young dd, but will he cope? How can I sort this so it's not a complete mess?

Any advice gratefully received.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 11:39:08

He has previously said he wants to 'see how it goes, they might prefer one house to the other' which gives me th colly wobbles too.

cece Sun 17-Jan-16 11:39:19

You need to do what is in the best interests if your DC. not him

DisappointedOne Sun 17-Jan-16 11:42:46

You have serious concerns about how he parents but want almost 50/50 shared care?

I wouldn't be agreeing or signing anything at this point.

TamaraLamara Sun 17-Jan-16 11:50:41

I haven't seen your other thread, so I'm afraid I don't understand why you believe that leaving your children with someone who is potentially abusive is better for them than taking them with you.

If he is unlikely to cope and potentially abusive I don't see a way that you can make this work in the best interests of your children.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 11:51:23

I think he would start making false allegations against me if I said any thing other than shared care. He is scaring the shit out of me, to he frank. He has already said that I won't cope because of my 'mental health' (only prob is me being traumatised by him as far as I can tell) and that its 'neglectful' not to dry our baby's hair immediately out of the bath before dressing her. In an ideal world I would like him to be a really nice reliable person who would be delighted to CO parent amicably. But obviously there are serious problems or I wouldn't be leaving.

I think he is safe around the dc and I think he only behaves as badly as he had done because he is relating to me.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 11:52:11

Well, I believe he is abusive towards me, but not them.

TamaraLamara Sun 17-Jan-16 11:53:27

Apologies, I misread your thread and I see (I think) that you are seeking shared care, not him as the main carer.

But I do still think that if you have such grave concerns about his parenting then shared care would not be a god option.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 11:54:14

Of course I am taking them with me, I would think of my new home as their main home.
I'm sorry I've got no idea how to handle this situation, I've realised

SirBoobAlot Sun 17-Jan-16 11:54:58

Stop interacting with him, and do not sign anything, certainly noit agreeing not no support - you may well need it.

He is abusive to you, and certainly emotionally abusive to DC with thee dynamic you have described. So 50/50 really isn't the best for them.

Mediation isn't suggested in abuse situations. Are you getting any support from DV groups?

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 11:56:13

I've been calling the dv helpline intermittent ly but nothing set up. Not sure how they could help? I would like to avoid the family court for sure

ThoughtfulPenny Sun 17-Jan-16 12:00:06

If possible I wouldn't start with the sat/sun/ mon arrangement at all. That means you'll never get weekend time with your children.

TheHouseOnTheLane Sun 17-Jan-16 12:02:22

Well done for not signing the paper. Do NOT give him shared care and ask for no money. Get proper legal advice.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 12:03:34

I know its awful isn't it sad. I thought having a Friday night and a Saturday day would be good, but dc and I relaxed together after a trip out for the rest of the afternoon till a latish bedtime. Realised I wouldn't be able to do that ever if we put that agreement in place sad . Should I suggest eow with a night during the week? I have said previously that dd age 1 is too little to he away from me so much but I've lost the bottle recently in an effort to keep the peace.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 12:04:51

We earn equally at the mo, no assets no savings, so no money to ask for though? If his earnings rise, will I be entitled to any perhaps via cms?

Grilledaubergines Sun 17-Jan-16 12:05:01

Everything else aside, what kind of arsehole wants to not financially contribute to their child's upbringing? And wants it documented.

OP I appreciate you want financial independence but really you should have maintenance for your children. Your position now says you don't need it. You may in future.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 12:06:42

Thanks grilled, that made me smile. I think he will pay for them, not me, is his point. I wouldn't be entitled to any maintenance now as we earn equally and plan is to share care

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 12:08:31

Thanks for all input, just about to make lunch I will be back

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sun 17-Jan-16 12:09:03

I think first you need to get out, then you can start arranging financial payment and/or shared care. Just say whatever you need to say to get out the house safely, but do not sign anything. I assume you have never reported him for DV? If he has a record for domestic violence then I can't see a court allowing him anything other than supervised visits.

SirBoobAlot Sun 17-Jan-16 12:12:40

He could earn less than you significantly and if you are the main carer he still needs to contribute.

Do not agree to every weekend with him or you will never get any proper time with your children.

You might want to avoid court but it us always a possibility, so like someone else has said, you need proper legal advice.

SirBoobAlot Sun 17-Jan-16 12:14:47

Also if he has untreated mental health issues, you need too consider whether it is safe at all for him to have unsupervised contact.

Make sure you tell everything to your solicitor. It might also be worth calling SS for some advice anonymously.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 12:14:52

I have reported him for dv. I asked for nfa though. Social care have done an assessment visit and said they were happy I was safeguarding the DC, especially as I was leaving. They implied I was at fault as well, which I found very scary. They are going to contact school nursery and GP and if all OK there will close the case. Was horrendous but sealed th decision to leave. They didn't speak to him at all. Sorry its a bit raw, I'm still shocked it went all the way to a sc assessment and feel so ashamed about it. The sw was very nice though, and pointed out that I really couldn't consider staying, which I think I had been.

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 12:16:06

The visit was only on Friday so I think I'm still in shock about it

Baronessvontwurzel Sun 17-Jan-16 12:16:57

I don't have a solicitor, but I will find one with legal aid if posters advise me to? If there is any legal aid?

knobblyknee Sun 17-Jan-16 12:19:05

Dont sign anything.
Contact Womens Aid.

Get out now.

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