or is my dh, regarding 7mo ds

(36 Posts)
Frazzled2207 Sat 16-Jan-16 15:59:53

7mo DS2 has always been funny about bottle feeding, but I've now stopped bf so he's had to get used to it.
Other than for some short periods, he's been particularly funny about having a bottle from anyone other than me, to the point where he refuses and screams if anyone else tries to feed him or settle him for a nap.

Whilst DH is happy to help generally, and did his fair share of night feeds with (bottle-mad) DS1 (and, to be fair, always gets up with DS1 so I get a mini lie in if DS2 still asleep), he is reluctant to do a night shift with DS2 because he knows he would scream and wail. Which is true BUT the status quo is unsustainable as I am so knackered.
At nap time today I wanted to go out with DS1 and see if DH could feed and settle DS2 even though we knew he would be grumpy. I left the house against dh's will. He didn't feed but DH did take him for a walk to get him to sleep.
We've now fallen out because I am on my knees and nearly broken from not having a decent night's sleep since before he was born. I desperately need dh to do a night shift, at weekends like he did for ds1.
I also need to do some work KIT days and really want to be able to leave ds2 with dh or my parents to do some other things. In the spring he will be starting nursery. I think by leaving dh (or other person) and ds2 to it ds2 will eventually feed. DH thinks he's "too young" to not have his mummy and that this is not a good idea, despite not really having any other ideas to fix the issue.
Who ibu?
Should add that dh is generally very supportive and sympathetic, just doesn't feel we should let ds2 get upset unnecessarily. We had a similar disagreement regarding letting ds1 CIO, he eventually agreed to that but not until he was 2.

miraclebabyplease Sat 16-Jan-16 16:04:35

Yanbu , when you are at breaking point then you need help. The excuse that ds is too young is a cop out. Start waking him up to sit with you at every single feed.

Katenka Sat 16-Jan-16 16:06:48

How much sleep would you get if ds is screaming all night?

Or do you think ds will eventually give in?

chumbler Sat 16-Jan-16 16:09:48

Could someone else have him to get used to the bottle? It sounds like your dh doesn't want to witness him being upset, that way you could both have some "time off" together?

Katenka Sat 16-Jan-16 16:10:47

Sorry just seen the bit about cio.

The thing is does cio work if both parents aren't on board?

Since only you have a plan to deal with this it needs to your decision.

But I wouldn't relish the thought of spending an entire night doing cio. But I would have at least give it a go if dh was totally wiped out

Katenka Sat 16-Jan-16 16:12:04

Actually no I wouldn't if dh was wiped out as its not something I could do. But I would be trying something else, anything else rather than cio.

Not judging anyone for doing it, but I just could never do it.

SevenSeconds Sat 16-Jan-16 16:12:23

I can see DH's point, but overall I think YANBU. No one likes to cope with a crying baby, but this is at the expense of YOUR health and wellbeing. I think he has to man up and do the best he can!

wannaBe Sat 16-Jan-16 16:14:52

Tbh I think neither of you is unreasonable but you are coming from different places. If you weren't wanting to leave your baby with someone else because he was getting too upset people would be telling you that you know your baby best and you need to do what is right for you. Your dh obviously feels similar and that he finds it upsetting when the baby is upset, but you're exhausted because of not getting the sleep.

Personally I would take the hard-line approach and would go away for a weekend so the baby had a chance to get used to taking the bottle from someone other than you. If your dh feels he is unable to be supportive of this would your mum be able to help perhaps? I know someone who was in a similar position in that her eight mo DS was a bottle refuser but she had to travel somewhere meaning the baby needed to take a bottle. Her mum took the baby for the weekend, but she was prepared to deal with everything that taking an upset baby would bring. But by the end of the weekend the baby was taking bottles happily.

The best outcome is for you to not be there so he doesn't have you to look to, but you can only achieve this if you have the right support.

SuperCee7 Sat 16-Jan-16 16:17:52

Do CC, not CIO and 7 months is stil quite young. Tbh I think your OH should suck it up and have a night with the baby so you get a nights sleep, get yourself some ear plugs

Jesabel Sat 16-Jan-16 16:18:31

Can you go an stay overnight with someone else at the weekend? Your parents? Travelodge?

I agree it's not nice to have a baby upset and I wouldn't do CIO, but you are exhausted and your DH is capable of caring for the baby even if he has to cuddle him all night.

DPotter Sat 16-Jan-16 16:24:03

How about tackling this from another angle ? My DD hated bottle feeding - wouldn't do it and we all ended up in tears. So we tried her with a a sippy cup - worked like a dream. DD was younger than 7 mths. we used the type which drips, so they don't need to suck. You do have to be careful and hold them more up-right than bf or bottle, but using one transformed our lives as she would take a feed from anyone not just me.
Don't know what the current thinking is, but have a go. Best of luck

coconutpie Sat 16-Jan-16 16:24:12

You want to do CIO or CC? YABU. There are so many studies which show that CIO methods are damaging to babies as the cortisol levels stay high even after baby falls asleep. It is not recommended.

rumbleinthrjungle Sat 16-Jan-16 16:27:04

Do you have some stay and play introductory sessions planned with nursery? Where you're around with ds but he's getting used to the staff and place with you? Most nurseries are very keen on these. That might be a great chance for staff to start practicing feeding with you out of sight for a few minutes as well as to help him settle and start getting the idea of being ok without you right there?

Postchildrenpregranny Sat 16-Jan-16 16:29:00

my ebf DD1 never had a bottle-wouldn't, even from me,even breastmilk .Spat out dummies too . . Used a sippy cup for water from about 6 m . I sealed some of the holes by melting the plastic so the flow wasn't too fast for bf baby
Worth a try ?
But I do think 7 months is far too young to try controlled crying (I dont know what CIO is...)

KensingtonLou Sat 16-Jan-16 16:45:53

Where did OP say she wanted to try CIO on her baby? She said she had a similar disagreement about CIO with her first DS - nothing about DS2 and CIO.

SatsukiKusakabe Sat 16-Jan-16 16:49:08

I don't think a 7 month old (or any age child, better state my position up front) should be left to cry it out, however, I don't see crying while being comforted by a loving parent as the same as CIO.

I think YANBU but neither is he really, you just need to work up to it. Giving you a whole night at this stage isn't realistic. It wouldn't be fair on your 7 month old to go straight to that I don't think. I breastfed, but it's the same really if it is you he needs to settle at the moment. What we did with my ds (he was a bit older though) was to gradually lengthen the time, over consecutive nights, that he was settled without me, so by the end of the week I was getting more sleep and ds was more used to being settled by dh.

So he would wake up and cry first night, dh would go in first, if just grizzly then he would rock him and cuddle him, if he was hysterical then he would come to me. But the next night he might manage a bit longer, then longer still before needing me. Over the following nights he got increasingly accustomed to dh coming instead of me and I imagine it would work better if your dh could give a bottle.

Maybe something like that is possible?

I do sympathise with the lack of sleep, it is so hard flowers

Katenka Sat 16-Jan-16 16:57:41

Where did OP say she wanted to try CIO on her baby? She said she had a similar disagreement about CIO with her first DS - nothing about DS2 and CIO.

But that's what's going to happen if he absolutely refuses to be fed by anyone else. He will cry until he gives in.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 16-Jan-16 17:08:53

Goodness me, don't let a baby dictate to you over this!

Give him to someone - parents etc and provide a bottle, then disappear.

Your dh is being selfish, yes baby needs mum but truly, not to the extent he can't take a feed from someone else!

SirBoobAlot Sat 16-Jan-16 17:10:02

I completely understand how knackered you are, and he should be helping. But the idea of figuring your still very little baby will "eventually" feed is horrible. And actually, some babies just won't, like your DS didn't this time. I can completely understand your DH being pissed off with you for just walking out when he was left with an inconsolable baby. As for your last point, I agree totally with him.

SquinkiesRule Sat 16-Jan-16 17:13:05

I used a Sippy cup with Dd from 6 months in the day though. But it's worth a try. We had ones with a valve in so they had to suck to get the drink out. Made by Playtex.

Frazzled2207 Sat 16-Jan-16 18:11:52

Thanks, a mixture of responses as I thought.
We're not at the stage of doing cio/cc, not least because of ds1.
We may do eventually, but atm it's a case of trying to get him to feed and settle with anyone but me.
Dh will readily try to feed him but as soon as the screaming starts, wants me to take over. He basically doesn't want to have to deal with a wailing baby ( who does?).
We've spoken this afternoon and this eve going to try what has had some success in the past which is me feeding him them passing him over mid-feed.

Frazzled2207 Sat 16-Jan-16 18:18:17

I think the suggestion of getting him to at least fetch the baby when he wakes and try and feed him over the course of a few days is a good one.

I've also go dh to feed him all his solids this weekend, which he tolerates to a point.

Shall investigate cups too...

PuntasticUsername Sat 16-Jan-16 18:31:35

"He basically doesn't want to have to deal with a wailing baby ( who does?)"

Well nobody does, obviously, but unfortunately when you're a parent it's what you have to do. No sympathy for him on that score from me, I'm afraid.

PennyHasNoSurname Sat 16-Jan-16 18:33:50

I think it is an abomination that he doesnt do the weekend nights so you can have a full nights sleep. He is a shirker, long and short of it.

maddening Sat 16-Jan-16 18:36:34

Try sitting with Dh while Dh feeds him, keep contact with ds - stroke his head and talk to him while Dh feeds him, when he is taking that start sitting further away

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