to ask if you'd leave him in this situation?

(76 Posts)
SassySarahSays Fri 15-Jan-16 22:42:41

DP has three DC from his previous marriage aged 10, 9 and 7. I have an 8 year old from my marriage and together we have a 3 year old and 11 month old. We met six years ago and have been happy. We're engaged and he's pushing to book the wedding but I'm having second thoughts.

His ex is difficult and has regularly stopped or changed contact without consulting DP. DP has been a walkover to be honest both with his ex and with his kids who he fails to parent properly for fear they won't visit if he isn't 'fun dad'. He stopped seeing them for a year two years ago and then sorted it in court with my encouragement. Looking back, I probably pushed him into it. Six months ago it stopped again. He hasn't done anything about it and doesn't intend to sad He says court is a waste of money because his ex will disregard it again but I think the money he proposes we spend on our wedding should be spent on fighting to see his children.

That is my main reservation over him; that he can abandon his children. I think if I left him and made it tricky for him, he'd abandon ours too. Of course I'd like to say I wouldn't do that, but to be honest, I wouldn't trust him with them. He spends far too much time on his phone. Today he had a days annual leave booked and was supposed to be watching the DC while I caught up on washing, cleaning etc after we were all wiped up with a sickness bug last week. There were at least twenty lots of tears from the dc, 5 injuries. I had to take keys, little toys and money off baby that he didn't notice/didn't see a problem with her walking around with. In the past month when he's been watching them I've found baby sitting on the kitchen table, baby playing with a dirty nappy, baby eating cat food, baby purple because she'd opened some paint and swallowed some. He apologises but it really isn't good enough, is it?

He is sex obsessed. He used to be extremely gropey until I made it clear it really wasn't on. Still though, the second I'm not holding a dc or doing something he'll be on me for kisses or cuddles. He sends me messages 6/7 times per day telling me how much he wants me. I feel like dressing down so as to try to avoid his attention. He says things like 'when the dc are older I will have you every night' hmm He has to be swatted away often and I have no doubt that he'd leave the dc unsupervised if I was up for sex, or even get up to no good with them around.

Without even going on to the smaller things, would you leave him in this situation? I don't want my children to be fatherless but I feel more resentful and irritated by the day.

MuttonDressedAsMutton Fri 15-Jan-16 22:47:10

He sounds pretty ghastly OP. The pestering for sex would have me running down the drive with a kid under each arm - it is such an unattractive and unedifying trait in a man. Can you really fancy spending the rest of your life beating off badly timed mailings?

TheSecondViola Fri 15-Jan-16 22:47:35

I'd be long gone. Apart from being a total lech, a man who couldn't be bothered to see the children from his first family while neglecting those in his second would be out of my house, not considering marriage.

MuttonDressedAsMutton Fri 15-Jan-16 22:48:00

Maulings obvs. Not mailings. grin

Pollyputhtekettleon Fri 15-Jan-16 22:48:02

It's your life, only you can decide. But I'm don't like the things in the post above at all. It's not right for us to tell you based on the tiny bit of information above. What are his good points?

Canyouforgiveher Fri 15-Jan-16 22:48:10

I would never have had children with him in the first place.

I certainly wouldn't stay with him and I wouldn't characterise myself as "happy" with a man who only cares about sex, couldn't give a shit about his kids, including those who live with him and those who don't, and who only sees you as a vessel for sex.

After I left him I would try to figure out how I ended up with him and didn't expect more from a man. I wouldn't get involved with another man until I had figured that one out.

Your children are what I would consider fatherless right now.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Fri 15-Jan-16 22:49:15

Ugh, so would I viola

rosewithoutthorns Fri 15-Jan-16 22:51:19

He's horrible OP. I'd certainly ask myself why I even entered the relationship and had more kids. Time to get shot of him and work on yourself for your children sake.

TheSecondViola Fri 15-Jan-16 22:51:21

What are his good points?

Who cares, with bad points that bad?

Furiosa Fri 15-Jan-16 22:53:26

Umm, this might sound harsh OP but at least if you leave him he won't bother you or the kids?

I can't imagine living with someone who behaved like that sad

BathtimeFunkster Fri 15-Jan-16 22:54:48

Why would you fight to impose this neglectful asshole on the children who are much better off without him and whose mother has managed to get away from him? confused

SassySarahSays Fri 15-Jan-16 22:54:57

Before we had dc he wasn't a lech and was having regular contact with his dc.

His good points are that he works hard, is kind and supports me staying at home with the dc.

Euphemia Fri 15-Jan-16 22:57:57

I would get this thread moved to Relationships - you'll get good advice there.

SassySarahSays Fri 15-Jan-16 22:58:22

The dc aren't close to him but I can't get my head around removing their father from their lives.

CookiesNookie Fri 15-Jan-16 23:01:01

I've been separated 6 months now after I discovered my husband's affair. In that time I've tried everything to get him to see his kids. He never even arranged Christmas contact until 2 minutes before midnight on Christmas Eve which is also his birthday.

His girlfriend (OW) still says I'm the one stopping him from contact. Apparently she's seen messages and heard phone calls when he begged me for access. No idea how he got away lying to her like that. He has finally agreed to mediation on the 5th Jan and saw them for the first time this weekend past. The girls never had a bath, brushed their teeth or changed their underwear or school tights for school. But there is nothing I can do right now. Wait for a bigger screw up probably.

So if I was his girlfriend I would never want kids with him let alone date him after the way he treated his girls over the 6 months. But he is a charmer. Previous car salesman and just know how to (he did it for years wit me) and she will wake up hopefully one day when she has his kids and he is doing the same to her kids.
One day.

stitchglitched Fri 15-Jan-16 23:02:19

I think his ex may have a point, I wouldn't be happy sending my children to him either.

CookiesNookie Fri 15-Jan-16 23:04:36

Oh and he supported me staying at home. In fact up until the month he started the affair (I found out 2 weeks into the affair) he couldn't see how it would work me working and he finally getting the finance manager job which we waited for years.

So guess what now he is angry to part with money. Refused to give me any and she has the nerve to say I must move out of my area to a cheaper area as I get more than enough from the government. I was married to this guy almost 10 years. Sacrificed my career to support his. And now I'm left with a credit score that has dropped from very good to below poor in the 6 months that I kicked him.

Hadron21 Fri 15-Jan-16 23:06:19

His ex sounds like the sensible one here. Sorry op but what's the point of being married to a man who won't look after his own kids?

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 15-Jan-16 23:07:30

In answer to your question, yes.

Griphook Fri 15-Jan-16 23:07:49

Tbh he sounds awful. He has no respect for you what so ever. And shows no concern for his children.

What happens when you say no to his advances?

tsonlyme Fri 15-Jan-16 23:08:09

Oh dear, he sounds like a dreadful father, those poor kids, and five of them! The older ones are heading into the minefield of teen territory, I expect they will vote with their feet and he will blame their mother, or worse, them sad.

I think in your position I would be cancelling any wedding plans and making steps to come to terms with being a single parent in every sense of the word; financially, emotionally and with no support from him whatsoever.

TheSecondViola Fri 15-Jan-16 23:15:32

* I can't get my head around removing their father from their lives*

You wouldn't be. If he chooses to remove himself from their lives because you left him, that would be on him.
Do you want a father for your children that wouldn't fight to see them?

ImperialBlether Fri 15-Jan-16 23:15:52

Ugh. Any man who misses his maintenance or who misses contact time is a waste of space in my mind.

And that's without the constant groping.

He's really awful.

PrimeDirective Fri 15-Jan-16 23:16:50

It seems pretty clear that you don't want to marry this man. It doesn't even sound like you want to stay with him.

SassySarahSays Fri 15-Jan-16 23:19:05

My career is an issue, Cookies. I'm giving up mine to support his, have no pension etc. I feel I'm in a very vulnerable position financially.

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