to find it hard to accept that DD will never have a sister?

(27 Posts)
StuckInARabbitHole Fri 15-Jan-16 10:25:40

DD1 is 19 now! I am booked for a hysterectomy next month due to having a 'bulky' womb and a prolapse. I am 44 but I guess I always thought that there was a chance it could happen, and DD would have been over the moon even with the big age gap. I actually don't want another child for me as I am too old, the sleep deprivation of the last one (now 5) almost broke me!

DD2 died shortly after birth when DD1 was 4. She had sorted though all her toys and clothes to share and was so excited to have a baby sister. I can sometimes get flashes of how DD2 would look now and how they would have played around with makeup and doing each other's hair and fought alot. I feel jealous when I see women with two daughters.

After DD2's death, I went onto have 3 boys. DD was not impressed and although she loves her brothers deep down, I have been filled with guilt for years that she lost her sister and she has in her teenage angst said some awful things like it was my fault (she has apologised many times now she is coming out of alien creature mode and into mature adult grin).

She is the type of girl who would have been in her element with a sister, very girly. I had hoped that DS3 would be a girl and was slightly devastated for a few weeks when I found out he wasn't at 16 weeks but got over that quickly.

I am now filled with this terrible sadness that obviously there is no chance that another girl will ever happen now and feel terrible guilt that DD has 'missed out'.

I have 4 sisters and have never been close with any of them but that was due to how we were brought up (very dysfunctional family) and I suppose I wanted DD to have what I didn't have.

AIBU?

TheSecondViola Fri 15-Jan-16 10:30:50

No yanbu, but I think its clear its really about your own feelings of loss over your dd2, which is entirely understandable. Your DD doesn't need another sister. I didn't have one, my dd doesn't have one, my SIL's didn't have them, my mother or my MIL didn't have them.... its not an essential item by any means.
Your DD had a sister, and its a terrible thing that she didn't get to grow up with her. But she doesn't need the abstract sister you feel guilty about.

MrsJayy Fri 15-Jan-16 10:33:06

Gosh poor you so much going on with you please let go of all yourguillt you have based this on the hope of girls getting on and having a special bond that isnt always true.

ginagslovechild Fri 15-Jan-16 10:34:22

There is an 8 year gap between my sister and me.
I love her but we are worlds apart, nothing at all in common except genes and looks, and although she babysits for me, and will spend time with me and the kids I always just feel like she's not the sister I imagined.
I love her BTW but if we weren't family I'd never dream of ever being her friend.

I have a dd and ds, I also feel a bit guilty that she won't have a sister but at the same time I know the whole sister devoted sister thing is a myth! I'm much much closer to my brother, and I hope dd and ds will be the same.

Try not to regret the outcome of your life, your daughter has you and I'm sure she has friends that she considers to be like sisterd.

ginagslovechild Fri 15-Jan-16 10:35:09

P.s. Sorry to hear about dd2, that's probably why you do feel a bit bereft about this flowers

NNalreadyinuse Fri 15-Jan-16 10:36:54

I don't know how best to help you but couldnt leave this unanswered.
I am so sorry that you lost your dd. Of course you are always going to wonder how life could have been had she lived. I think you have to keep in mind though thst there is no guarranttee your two girls would have been close. As a little girl it is natural she would have been excited by the prospect of a sister, but they might have fought like cats and dogs. Im sure that she would have loved her sister no more and no less than she loves her brothers. Try not to let the things she said as a stroppy teen haunt you. Of course none of this is your fault.
Forgive my lack of sensitivity here, am trying to find the right way to say it, but while your boys cannot replace the child you lost, another daughter wouldnt have filled that gap either. You will always feel the gap of the baby who should be there.
The other thing is that your boys are individuals who deserve to be loved and valued for who they are. If your life had been different, perhaps one or more of them wouldnt be with you now and I am sure that you wouldnt want that.

Please get some professional help to come to terms with your loss and your feelings of guilt. I am very cross with your dd1 - even as a stroppy teen she ought not to have said such a thing to you and I am thinking that maybe she needs to speak to a grief counsellor too.

GummyBunting Fri 15-Jan-16 10:37:07

I'm sorry you're hurting.
For what it's worth, after 2 little brothers I was over the moon to get a little sister. Turns out, we didn't get on. Still don't. But I'm very close to my brothers. I actually think it's very rare for sisters to be super close, I know far more who don't get on.

MrsJayy Fri 15-Jan-16 10:42:46

My dds get on fine but they dont do things together or anything like that they are individuals and the sister bond is maybe a bit of a myth. My sister is lovely but we are chalk and cheese,

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-Jan-16 10:42:48

You had this awful loss and it must make you wonder how close your DD2 and DD1 would have been but please excuse me saying, you don't know for sure how they would have got along. Her brothers may not be great friends (yet) but as adults they might find they have a good strong bond.

Purplecan4 Fri 15-Jan-16 10:58:08

I don't have a sister, I have 3 brothers. My dd also doesn't have a sister. It really sounds like it's the loss of your dd2 that is the source of your pain, not the fact that dd1 doesn't have a sister iyswim? If one of your 3 x ds had been a girl, dd1 would have had a sister, but it still wouldn't be dd2. Dd1 is so old (for a child obv grin) that she might have a dd of her own in the next decade.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 15-Jan-16 11:11:06

I feel very sad for you both because you've both suffered a huge loss. thanks

Would it be worth accessing some family counselling for both of you, either separately or together, so you can talk through the situation? Even though it was 15 years ago, it seems as though the wounds haven't really healed yet, so it might do you both some good, especially now you're about to remove any chance ever of being able to get pg again (I know you say you don't want to, but still... I am 48, had DS2 at 45 and I really really really don't want another baby, but still I don't think I'm going to exactly rejoice when I hit menopause, there will be a sadness that "that's it", that I'll never have a baby girl - or indeed any more babies! - and even though I don't want another one, if I accidentally fell pg I'd still have the baby)

Hope you can find some peace with what has happened (and what hasn't) x

Girlfriend36 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:14:13

I have 2 brothers and would have liked a sister, however I have made up for not having one by having very close female friends who for all intents and purposes are 'sisters' to me. In fact probably better than sisters as I have chosen them wink

That said I also love my brothers and we get on well especially now we are all adults.

YANBU to feel how you feel, you had a tragic traumatic loss flowers however don't add guilt into the mix, its not necessary.

2016Hopeful Fri 15-Jan-16 11:22:29

So sorry to hear about your DD2. I don't think you should feel bad about your daughter not having a sister as such. It is just terribly sad that your daughter died. I am sure your daughter didn't mean what she said to you.

I think you should make the most of your relationship with DD1 and do lots of lovely things with her. How lovely that you are only 44 so have lots of time to enjoy your daughter as an adult.

VocationalGoat Fri 15-Jan-16 11:24:34

Oh my goodness... my eyes well up as I write this OP. I will be 44 in a couple of months and I too am going through an 'end of childbearing years' mini bereavement. 4 years ago we had a stillborn little daughter, a little sister for our own girl who is surrounded by her two sweet, totally loving brothers. Life has blessed us with our treasured, cherished brood. But the loss of a baby leaves many stains and unresolved issues that pop up at various stages.
As you face the reality of a hysterectomy you also relive that grieving place and it will pass. Time will be your ally for sure in this regard and the pain will dampen.

No solutions really, just deep empathy for you and an enormous understanding of your journey. Love, hugs, and blessings to you. flowers

Jules125 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:26:11

Hi if you are unreasonable, so am I. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I am 44 and don't want another child, but my DD1 died at birth in 2009. I

I went on to have DD2 and DD3 in 2010 and 2012, so my DDs have a sister, but I feel they "should" have 2 sisters and feel sad that both my DDs are missing a sister (though obviously neither of them are aware of that). Sometimes I feel jealous of families with 3 DDs (I never even wanted 3 kids to begin with).

So, you might still feel this regret even if you had gone on to have more DDs.

Echoing other posters, I try to make the most of what I have rather than dwell on the DD I lost. That is hard sometimes. Losing a baby is tough, even if it happened many years ago, and coming to the end of your "reproductive life" heightens that sense of loss.

Try to accept the sadness and but also enjoy your lovely DD and DSs.

Sweetdreamsforall Fri 15-Jan-16 11:26:39

Please don't let guilt eat you up op, you are not responsible. Think how would that make your DD feel? You gave her 3 lovely brothers, that is no small feat. You have experienced what no mother should have to. I do not have a sister and I thought I wanted one when I was younger but I was glad to have brothers in the end - I am the apple of my mums eye being her only daughter! It makes me feel really special. I enjoy girly things with my mum the way you would a sister and I love it.

Also have you thought that one day you will have 3 daughters in law? If you get lucky and they pick good companions then you and your daughter will have these new relationships and who knows, it could be like having another daughter/sister. (I know this isn't always the case but one can hope!)

I think what you are feeling is normal and you just need to give yourself time to come to terms with things, maybe talk professionally to someone, before entering the next chapter of your life.

There's also the prospect of grandchildren - it won't be soon before long! You could end up with an army of granddaughters.... grin

StuckInARabbitHole Fri 15-Jan-16 11:27:09

I am aware they may not have got it but I would have loved to have had the chance to sort out their squabbles!

NN I wouldn't have my DTSs if DD2 had lived as they were born only 10 months (fuck knows how they happened!) after her and I have already gone over in my my head many times that not having them would be unimaginable iykwim, even though they drive me to insanity a lot of the time.

We had to make the decision, before she was born, not to resuscitate DD2 as the problem was not discovered til 30 weeks (in fact a few days after we had got all DD1's baby things out of the loft and had been excitedly sorting through them/washed the baby clothes that she wanted her sister to wear) and was a very rare lethal abnormality so she would only have survived for a short time on life support afterwards and would have been in pain. DD1 being aware as she got older that babies can survive when born when DD2 was, asked the question as to why DD2 died and why more wasn't done to save her. She did not understand the full implications as it has been difficult to explain as the syndrome was so rare my local hospital had never seen it before and there is very little information on it. I can understand why she was upset about when trying to make sense of it, I can't myself.

I guess having the hysterectomy is playing a part in this which is emotional for anyone I suppose even without my 'baggage'. Just had a little cry and feel a bit better for it!

Thanks for the replies.thanks

AWhistlingWoman Fri 15-Jan-16 11:28:43

Aw stuck I am so sorry that you lost your dd2. Your description of DD1 sorting through all her toys to share broke my heart.

My first babies were my DTDs and, sadly, DD1 passed away when the girls were three days old. And obviously I was heartbroken, not only for myself, but for DD2 who might have had a twin sister.

I think it was exacerbated by the fact that I have only one sibling, a sister, who I adore.

I know that I was desperate for her to have a sibling and, if I were honest, a sister. I could never 'replace' her twin sister. All children are irreplaceable and I could obviously never simply conjure up a twin for her!

It still hurts and I can imagine I will feel another ache when I cannot physically have any more children. But I think it is, in part, a facet of my grief for both my daughters. I will always miss dd1 terribly and do wonder what our lives would have been like if she had not died. What sort of personality she would have had? What she would have looked like? And another part of me wants to 'fix' the situation for DD2? I just want to make her feel safe and protect her from any pain she might feel over losing her sister. Rationally I know that I can't and, even if I could, providing her with more sisters doesn't actually help at all! But it is how I felt and sometimes do still feel from time to time.

I just try to console myself (on the poor old dd2 without her sister front) that having siblings is no guarantee that you will like them. Perhaps DD1 and DD2 would have fought like cat and dog. Sadly I'll never know.

flowers

StuckInARabbitHole Fri 15-Jan-16 11:31:52

Sorry - I am aware they would not have got on.

OldBeanbagz Fri 15-Jan-16 11:33:15

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm with ThumbWitchesAbroad and think that family counselling might be good for you. It might help reconcile the fact that you never had another DD and help your daughter put her teenage comments behind her.

I come at it from your DD's angle. I have an older sister and my mum had a stillborn baby boy when we were both primary school age. As a family we never spoke about him from the funeral onwards but i saw my mother suffer dreadful depression and clearly remember the disappointment that my dad didn't get his longed for son.

It's nearly 40 years ago and i still feel we needed help as a family.

StuckInARabbitHole Fri 15-Jan-16 11:33:24

FFS! MAY not have got on

Sweetdreamsforall Fri 15-Jan-16 11:36:26

Also if this helps my mother went through a similar ordeal (my brother was a twin) and since I had my daughter her world has turned around. It has been a blessing. Life can be cruel, but it can also bring unexpected joys. I wish the same for you. Feel better soon op flowers

Badders123 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:45:03

I have a sister.
We are not close.

expatinscotland Fri 15-Jan-16 11:46:36

My DD2 lost her sister, too. DD1 died from leukaemia, age 9, when DD2 was 6. I was 41 and DH had had a vasectomy a few years before, when DS was about 1. DS has high functioning autism, too. We don't regret the vasectomy, I felt too old to have more children, even then, DH did, too and we both worried about the increasing risk of disability, miscarriage, complications, etc.

I'm 45 next month and there's no way I will have more children.

I don't regret that, but am sad that DD2 will never have a sister. People say 'Oh, she does.' Um, no, she doesn't. Her sister is not here. She is dead. It doesn't help to hear that or anecdotes about how a granddaughter will make it all better - I don't know that my children will ever want to have or have children. That's the future, promised to no one.

I hope these feeling pass for you.

But you're not alone and I understand and wish you well.

StuckInARabbitHole Fri 15-Jan-16 12:06:05

Oh Expat, that puts it into perspective for me. I need a slap. So, so sorry that happened which doesn't cut it really flowers.

My sympathies and empathy for all who have had losses.

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