AIBU or have I fucked up about 'D"GM's will.....?

(25 Posts)
Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:00:32

I didn't know my fathers parents, or my biological father until I was 15 and then saw them only sporadically until I was about 20/21. I got on very well with my DGF but found DGM hard work (comes across as unassuming but very passive aggressive and controlling, she does this mainly via offering money.) DGF died in 2000 and my relationship with DGM has deteriorated. I have subsequently gone NC with my dad who I used to be very close to; the trigger for his was his 'holidays in Thailand' but there are now lots of other reasons, such as claiming he had terminal cancer when he didn't... I won't go into all of them, as it will take far too long! I used to see her, usually, with him and now I no longer see him this is a massive elephant in the room, despite her never being especially nice to him herself (he now is a tax exile in Asia.)

DGM used to offer money for things, when I went to uni in 1997 she wanted to give an allowance for example ("as we didn't see you for so long when you were growing up' - this was their decision rather than my mothers) but, if things don't go the way she wants, she would either "remind' constantly about it or, a this has happened twice, sent a letter listing what she has spent (to the bloody pound!) and also how much interest she would have lost by 'wasting it' instead.

I have told her a while ago that I don't want any money, not that I had ever actually asked for money before, it was offered. She said if she gave DS cash in his savings (he's only 3) 'I could come and bring him to visit more.' She also said if I visited more she would give me more cash for spending on the house (we are renovating one and hoping to move soon, her exact words were 'so you can actually make decent job of it') and I said i would rather just visit 'when we could fit it in.'

I now only see her about three or four times a year, and unfortunately it is still very hard work. I saw her today and she told me that she wants to leave me 'a sizeable chunk' of her house when she dies, she is 82 now but in poor health, and I have said that I would prefer for her to give it to her younger son (my uncle, although I barely know him). She has found this hugely offensive and disrespectful and is upset.

I don't want her, as she has implied this despite evidence in the past, to think I am seeing her solely to be rewarded in the will. I actually see her, and I realise this sounds awful, as I feel sorry for her (she has no friends) and, sounding even more awful, don't want to end up feeling swamped with guilt - I obviously didn't say this! I cannot bear the idea of someone thinking I am basically there as I am after their money, and the subsequent behaviour in them this may trigger.

It could possibly be about £50/70,000. I am the only grandchild (but am doing well job wise and hardly on the poverty line.)

My mum thinks I am nuts.

Was IBU....?

(hopefully this doesn't leap about too much, I realised as typing it there are multiple extra stories alongside any main ones!)

JellyBabiesSaveLives Wed 13-Jan-16 22:06:43

I'm not too sure what your question is.
Visit her when you can, if you can bear it, and if she talks about wills/money say "I'd rather not talk about money" or "don't be silly, you've got 20 years in you yet" and distract her by asking questions?

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:09:12

Sorry, the question is was I being unreasonable or stupid by telling her that I didn't want money. Either now or when she gives up the ghost.

missymayhemsmum Wed 13-Jan-16 22:10:07

No, YABU, you are very sensibly stepping away from this wierd relationship where she is trying to buy your time and affection.

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:11:07

she wants to leave me a 'chunk' in her will, but I know from experience that this would come with conditions while she's alive and I also don't want her to think that's the only reason I would be seeing more of her (which is bound to crop up.)

Purplepicnic Wed 13-Jan-16 22:11:24

What jelly says. Visit her as much or as little as you want and change the subject if she brings up wills. 'It's up to you what you do with your money grandma. How about this cold weather eh?'

EssexMummy1234 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:11:35

She might be trying to control you through the promise of money and that's sad - but you don't need that guilt and you cannot rely on what she is telling you to be true.

Check out the stately homes thread on relationships.

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:13:27

Thats a relief to hear. My mum, obviously there is history there, thinks that it's 'a bit bloody drastic' and 'if she wants to leave you cash, let her, it would come in handy but just don't let her think that she now can try and control you, because she will....'

rosewithoutthorns Wed 13-Jan-16 22:19:28

The woman is 82. Do what you think is right, if you don't want to see her don't. The control would obviously come with you having the money and if you don't need it then tell her so. I'd be inclined to go with it though grin

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:22:44

we are okay money wise, but it could be a lovely lump (obviously we don't have to spend it!) but I can't be doing with the subsequent associations.
I think its made me realise also, and this isn't great, that our 'relationship' is based solely on either my guilt or her trying to control.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Wed 13-Jan-16 22:24:05

She sounds very much like my Gran who used to promise Everyone that she would "look after them in my will". Drop very heavy hints to people that the more they visited the more money they would get. She would play people off against each other. Ultimately she did what she wanted anyway and never did what she said she would. My mum was cut out the will for no reason I could see....even though Gran had promised her all/most of her estate.

Of course behind my mums back she had promised me money, said the same to my cousin, same to my brother.

I would take it all with a big punch of salt.

TheSecondViola Wed 13-Jan-16 22:27:45

See her or don't see her, whichever you like. But it sounds a little like you protest too much: did you take her money for many years while saying you didn't want it?

rosewithoutthorns Wed 13-Jan-16 22:32:30

I for one am not judging you.

I'd say whatever for a bit grin and see what transpires.

RandomMess Wed 13-Jan-16 22:33:22

I would just say to her it's her money to do leave to whoever she wishes but you will not be upset or offended if you or ds don't receive any.

To me that is telling her that she can't blackmail you over it!!! You may have to repeat it frequently and she may pull the offended face but that isn't your problem.

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:37:20

thesecondViola that's not quite what happened, no. She has always, her two sons too, offered or simply gone ahead and paid for things. The last time I allowed her to do this, before things came to the first of what turned out to be many heads, was in the 90's!

momb Wed 13-Jan-16 22:37:35

She's 82, but unless she is suffering dementia is not beyond a frank talk.
'Gran, I wanted to sit down and talk with you about our last conversation. We would love to see more of you and for you to know DS better. It's important for me, though, for you to know that we want to know you for yourself and that I feel uncomfortable talking about your will and where your money will go when you die. That is your business for now. We would rather enjoy your company for many more years Thank you.'

SevenOfNineTrue Wed 13-Jan-16 22:37:46

I knew a guy who used his money as a way of getting people to be around him and help him out in his old age. Dangling a carrot if you will.

No one ever saw that money.

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:39:05

Actually, that's a lie! She paid the deposit on the wedding catering (£500) and then spent, from what I subsequently heard, a large amount of time at the wedding telling people 'i paid for this meal'
Wedding was 2008, but nothing since and nothing between then and whenever it was in the late 90's!

TheSecondViola Wed 13-Jan-16 22:41:11

Ah ok, it sounded more frequent.

I figure that once someone is dead, they are dead. Why not have the money if its left to you, it will be the one time she can't complain or try and control you.

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:41:48

momb your conversation could work, perhaps, with someone else but unfortunately not in this scenario. I instead said 'I don't want to talk about your money, and I am not here because I want your money' which is rather more tense. She kept asking 'why?' and then listing 'everything Ive done for you' (which has many grey areas tbh.)
I think it boils down to that I won't be dictated to or made to feel as if I owe something. Again.

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:44:44

she also knows that I see my maternal grandma at least twice a week and love her to bits (she's 93 and is ACE!) and hates it. I feel as if the money angle is another way of having a dig (there have been various digs over the years)

sleeponeday Wed 13-Jan-16 22:45:35

Momb some people are beyond frank talks. They literally hear what they want/expect to hear.

OP she sounds like my grandmother. She passed away a few years ago. She was endlessly trying to control the family with money. All you can do is say, "I don't want to talk about money, I'm here to see you!" and not react. Which may make her enraged to the point you have to leave early, I know.

It's hard. I have a lot of sympathy. Sadly, no solutions, because it's insoluble. My own gm was sent to boarding school, from overseas, at 3 or 4. She spent most of the holidays in institutions set up to provide care for expat kids, too, as her mother was a snob who didn't feel the relatives were aspirational enough. I think she was emotionally never a whole lot older than that, her whole life. She was a menace, quite frankly.

Oldraver Wed 13-Jan-16 22:49:23

Some people will be happy to toe the line for a share of a will.

Others would rather not. It sound slike you are in the latter. How controlled do you want to be ?

My Mother is constantly prattling on about her will, and she has in the past put things in her will I considered spitefull, also promising things (jewelry) then saying its promised to others. So I have made it very clear I want nothing to do with her will and dont want any of her belongings. She thinks it because I am not bothered by material things...when really its a way of stopping her being controlling. I have on occasion when she wouldn't shut up, tell her she will need her money for her nursing home.

You could go the polite way and tell her you dont need the money and to spend it on herself

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:49:25

sleeponeday from what I know, E (I don't call her Grandma or anything) had a very money based, but affection devoid, relationship with her own mother. As a result, she is very similar with her own kids, my dad and his brother.
She loves them so has helped them out with money in the past, but never has any issues reminding them of this. She once, after bailing him out (probably for a lot) went to my dads house, she had a key, and rummaged through all his bank statements and then photocopied them to confront him with them later. It was 'her right' as she had been 'helping him' and she seemed unable to comprehend how that was out of order.

Nancery Wed 13-Jan-16 22:52:02

oldraver she finds it very hard to spend on herself, possibly due to decades of 'being careful', and if I suggested such would turn it around to something about helping others and not wanting anything. Which sounds nice written down, but in practice, not so much...

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