AIBU to avoid PIL until the baby is 5...

(39 Posts)
FloLarkin Mon 11-Jan-16 11:15:40

I am 12 weeks pregnant and have been throwing up for three weeks straight. I've been signed off work for two weeks and am absolutely wiped out - I've been up at 3am everyday and so nearly dead on my feet by 3pm - never been so tired in my life and I look as bad as I feel.

Was at my IL's last night briefly - they are the kind of people who talk AT you, rather than to you - they talk over you if you try to respond and will argue with you: MIL asked how I was feeling - I mentioned that I was quite tired and therefore being a bit clumsy - she immediately said "well that's nothing to do with pregnancy we all do that" and ploughed on with her talking at us (usually about people we don't know)

In spite of this and feeling awful, I nodded along politely and made the right noises of agreement (all they allow in terms of response) and after a while we went home

I now find out that they cornered DH and asked him what was the matter with me as there was clearly something "very wrong" as I was "acting spacey"

DH told them that, as we said at the time, I was just very tired. I had done a 4 hour round trip commute that day, after being up since 3am and a full day's work and it was around 8pm at the time....

They carried on with their drama that there's something "wrong" with me so DH told them it doesn't help when they both talk at people at the same time without allowing them to get a word in. He said it was OTT especially when I've told them I'm knackered so what do they expect me to do?
He also said that MIL probably shouldn't say "you've put on weight!" The second I walk in.

Cue FIL saying "oh it's our fault is it?!" and the two of the creating massive drama out of it, I must be depressed, they will help me with the shopping and "pop round" and basically making out that their feelings are hurt and there's something "wrong" with me.

AIBU to be furious? I didn't even bloody respond to the weight comment FFS!

goodnightdarthvader1 Mon 11-Jan-16 11:18:20

They sound like assholes.

Euphemia Mon 11-Jan-16 11:19:16

I'd move to the other side of the world! grin

But seriously, it sounds like DH has your back. Make sure he keeps pulling them up about their comments and doesn't let them make everything about them.

SongOfTheLark Mon 11-Jan-16 11:20:48

I tihnk if you didnt avoid them til the child was at least 15 you'd have the patience of a saint. Beyond annoying!

YANBU and hope you feel better soon flowers

KitKatCustard Mon 11-Jan-16 11:20:58

You're pregnant, you feel dreadful (which definitely colours everything) and your PILS and DH all sound pretty tactless.

But your PILs also sound genuinely concerned about you and are offering to help. Whether you want that or not, it sounds to me as though they are doing their best.

AnnPerkins Mon 11-Jan-16 11:21:50

Yes, avoid as much as possible. DH obviously has their number though. Let him keep them at a distance if you need him to.

wafflerinchief Mon 11-Jan-16 11:22:45

i'm not sure I'd have felt like entertaining if I'd been up since 3am, & wouldn't have done so - they're bizarre. On no account allow them to pop round, ever! Do they not have enough to do? They sound a bit under employed to me.

Kettlebettle Mon 11-Jan-16 11:22:52

New Zealand is pretty.

Howdoesironmanwee Mon 11-Jan-16 11:23:23

Nightmare. Sympathy.
Of couse going nc is probably not the actual answer, but in all seriousness, try v hard to be more assertive, set boundaries and if necessary, limit contact for your own sanity!

MaisieDotes Mon 11-Jan-16 11:23:25

Smile and nod, get through it, keep visits to a minimum, over time reduce your DH's expectations in terms of how often you see them.

When you do see them, just let them talk, then go home and get on with the reality of your own life.

Hope your MS goes away soon flowers

CFSsucks Mon 11-Jan-16 11:23:30

They sound annoying and quite selfish. Everything is about them isn't it.

YABU to avoid them until the baby is 5. 18 would be better. grin

BarbarianMum Mon 11-Jan-16 11:25:18

YANBU - your DH sounds great though so just get him to keep running interference b/w you. If you can't tell who's phoning you before you answer, or can't see who's at the door before you open it get those things sorted before the baby's born.

FloLarkin Mon 11-Jan-16 11:27:50

KitKat if it was genuine concern I wouldn't have a problem at all but it's hard to imagine they're being genuine when they ask how I am but either argue with the response or ignore it completely and then expect me to to give them full and undivided attention regardless.

The "so it's our fault is it?!" Comment from FIL proves that they don't genuinely care - it's all about how I feel affects them - what's his fault? I didn't do anything at all except feel tired?! How can he decide to feel 'blamed' or 'wronged' fir my feeling tired unless he was just trying to find a way to make it about him?

OnlyLovers Mon 11-Jan-16 11:36:51

They're arses. Creating drama and imaginary slights so they can be affronted.

At least your DH is supporting you and has the measure of them. So many of these threads involve a DH/DP who just daren't stand up to his parents.

I'd be tempted not to bother seeing them at all.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 11-Jan-16 11:38:50

At 12 week, I had no energy at all. I'd go to work, come home, have a long naps, eat dinner and go to bed.

Put your foot down before baby arrives. Maybe move. Oh and dont tell them you've had the baby.

Viviennemary Mon 11-Jan-16 11:45:42

Don't see them for a while. People like this rarely change. Why should you get stressed out by those idiots.

FloLarkin Mon 11-Jan-16 11:48:05

only DH is being fantastic - the poor guy is having to put up with me vomiting, falling asleep everywhere and sobbing over adverts so I think he's really disappointed that his parents seem to be keen to add additional stress.

I think he's sad that they have a choice: be reasonable and be fully involved grandparents or proactively create drama and refuse to alter their behaviour which means we just don't see them as often -I would never say we have to go NC with them as they are his mum and dad and he needs to make decisions on that but it's heart breaking to watch him realise

Birdsgottafly Mon 11-Jan-16 11:49:37

My DD had this from her DPs GM and it continued after the baby was born.

My DD stopped sharing things, slightly distanced herself, once she knew her DP would follow upto date advice and not the dangerous stuff his DGM spouted.

She does the 'smile and nod' a lot of the time. It's a shame, it's the GM that's dictated the lack of closeness in their relationship, though.

Spindlewood Mon 11-Jan-16 11:52:15

Your not my sister in law are you , they sound like my parents , it's completely draining isn't it ? Poor you .
My parents talk at me , about everyone I don't know and I leave thinking you didn't really listen to me or ask me anything where you waited for an answer . I now live in another country and that works well 😀

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 11-Jan-16 11:52:32

they will help me with the shopping and "pop round" Lock the doors grin

Seriously, I slept 12 hours a night at that stage and was still "spacey" (to the point where I was signed off because I just didn't feel safe driving to work because of the tiredness). Be good to yourself flowers

goldglitter Mon 11-Jan-16 11:53:14

Fucking idiots! Keep visits short and breezy and keep them at arms length.

Hope you feel better soon. I am 15 weeks with twins and know how you feel! flowers

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Mon 11-Jan-16 12:01:03

What on earth were you doing there 12 weeks pregnant, after a 4 hr commute, a full day at work and a 3 am wake up?????

Seriously woman - recognise a get out of jail free card when its handed to you! grin grin

They can help and pop all they want - doesn't sound like you will be around much. if they have keys make sure you retrieve them/change the locks before the baby is born

badg3r Mon 11-Jan-16 12:05:30

My God, you have the patience of a saint! You'd be completely within your rights to say that you aren't up for evening visits cos you're too knackered. DH can go round by himself for the time being. If they want to help tell them the best thing they can do is just let you rest because you're exhausted.

FloLarkin Mon 11-Jan-16 12:09:31

Thank you so much everyone - I tried not to show how cross I was to DH because he was already stressed but glad to know I wasn't being totally unreasonable

I think they expect a much closer relationship that is 'normal' - she's the kind of woman who, lets say I had a third degree tear during childbirth or particularly bad piles or something - she would be on the phone absolutely LOVING telling people I don't know all the gory details - I've caught her in the act at a party telling someone about my not being well and you can tell she loves having some 'news' and exaggerates hugely to make it more exciting

The problem is they are both just as bad with a 'secret' (like if they were asked NOT to discuss any of my potential birth complications) they won't tell the secret but they will make sure the world and his wife know that they have a big juicy secret and whip up a drama in hushed tones so they are the centre of attention - I can laugh about it now but it does get frustrating!

peppielillyan Mon 11-Jan-16 12:12:06

There is something wrong with your environment. Your relatives are poisonous.

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