... to wonder to what extent I should put up with grumpy/overbearing behaviour if I suspect someone is unhappy/depressed

[bizniz]

DP and I have a friend. She's more an acquaintance for me, because we rub each other up the wrong way and I do find her difficult to get on with.

She does really like pissing in people's chips, and she's very negative which I find draining. I think it stems from her being a bit unhappy, judging from comments she's made and her constant negativity about everything. I don't think I can ask her for a coffee and if she's ok, because I've tried to do similar things before, and I've been rebuffed and made to feel like I'm being nosey (she gets very guarded, like she's acting like I'm only trying to find things out to gossip or make fun of her), when actually I'm just trying to be a friend.

It also feels like she considers my DP her friend, and me not her friend, which is perfectly reasonable when we don't get along terribly well, but I do find it quite rude when she'll ask DP if he wants to do a hobby we all enjoy in front of me and not ask me/or look at me. She also mentioned how she recently moved to be closer to my DP so I'm a bit . I don't know if I'm weird and arrogant to think that she should make an effort to get to know me as well, when I do try with her?

AIBU to just want to cool off from her, or should I make an effort to be more understanding and friendly and not react snarkily when she annoys me, which I've done?

I think my real problem is with DP, because I've told him how I feel and he think's I'm being really unreasonable and doesn't see my problem at all. He thinks I'm reading far to much into throwaway comments and I genuinely can't decide if I am. I feel he's being a bit disloyal to me, but I can see his perspective and I think it would be unreasonable for me to say that he has to stop being friends with her, but I kind of wish he would.

[amarmai]

wow- you are NOT being unreasonable, op. This woman has a relationship with your dp and is making you the 5th wheel . She says she moved to be closer to him and let you know that, she asks him to join her in a hobby and excludes you , she treats you with barely hidden dislike and disdain and he says YOU are being really unreasonable etc etc You are NOT unreasonable, op. He is and he is gaslighting you. Make him choose or leave him.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

She admitted she moved to be closer to your dp?

I would be very unhappy with that admission.

How often are they doing this hobby together?

[MoMoTy]

Yadnbu!! She sounds like she is openly trying it on with your dp. So disrespectful of her. If a 'friend' invited my dh to something he would most likely turn to me and ask what do you think? He would probab even say 'and MoMo too?'. Your dp sounds like he is pretending to not notice anything.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Even if she were unhappy/depressed (and they are two very different things), that would still be no reason to put up with her being shitty to you. Ever. You are not a doormat on which she may wipe her feet.

"It also feels like she considers my DP her friend, and me not her friend, ... She also mentioned how she recently moved to be closer to my DP"
She doesn't consider him a friend. He is her target. You are not not-her-friend, you are her rival, to be usurped.

[bizniz]

Well, they do it 1 or 2 times a month. I sometimes join in, sometimes not because I don't always feel like it. DP and her enjoy it a lot more than me. It takes up a lot of time, and I'd rather not spend hours on end doing it.

When I bring it up DP makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable. He'll point out they work together, so it makes sense for her to be near so they can car share, or I'm busy with work and don't enjoy the hobby as much as them so maybe she just thinks I won't be interested/have time. But that is my decision to make, not her. When she asked him to do the hobby, he did demur and was a bit embarrassed because she asked to use something that belongs to me that time, so he's not entirely rolling over and gaslighting me. He prides himself on being fair, which I think sometimes means that he is not fair.

Right, I think next time she does anything I will politely but firmly confront her in a 'Did you mean that, because I felt it a bit rude and hurtful?' without getting prickly I get prickly easily which plays into her game, I think I think if I pointed it out to her, she would respond to it, but it feels like she doesn't 'get' it, or feels that her friendship with DP is on a par or separate from my relationship with him. I will also confront DP and let him know that this is really not on. Not at all, and he needs to back me up.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He'll point out they work together, so it makes sense for her to be near so they can car share"
No, that doesn't make sense at all! That presumes she has no life at all outside of car-sharing, that that is the most important factor in deciding where to live. That's ridiculous! If getting to work cheaply were important, she would move closer to where she works, not to where a co-worker lives!

[bizniz]

I had not thought of that, WhereYouLeftIt. I feel I hardly need to mention that she is single, do I? If this happens again I'll pull him up on it. Otherwise, I'm going to disengage from her.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Can I ask you a bit about the hobby (without you needing to say what it is)?

"I do find it quite rude when she'll ask DP if he wants to do a hobby we all enjoy in front of me and not ask me/or look at me."
What's the timeline on when each of you took up this hobby? E.g. was it your husband's hobby that you do sometimes too, to keep him company? Or did you always do it, independent of him? Did she share this hobby independently of you both, did it before she even met you? Or took it up after meeting you both? Or did she introduce you both to it?

"When she asked him to do the hobby, he did demur and was a bit embarrassed because she asked to use something that belongs to me that time"
It is incredibly rude of her to do that, if she wanted to use your belongings then she has to ask YOU. By asking HIM, she is reinforcing that you do not matter, have no say in anything. In fact, I'd go so far as to suggest that she was pretty much behaving as if what's yours is hers - including your husband. She was staking out territory.

[amarmai]

she asked him to use what belongs to you-were you present when she did that -did you let her use your whatever-
op you are being walked all over-maybe it was the frog being boiled thing and it has crept up on you
this car that she has the ;right; to share and had to move close to you so she cd do this-is she paying for it- or are you
op this is a nobrainer-get rid of her and him-he works with her so you can never end it and he is lying thru his teeth

[MrsTerryPratchett]

She's clearly after your DH. More worryingly, he's spending lots of time with someone who is after him. And telling you there's no problem.

I had a friend who was a bit keen on me. I wouldn't have put up with this nonsense because boundaries are important. If he had been anything other than lovely to my DH and understanding that I picked DH, I would not have spent time with him.