Sleepover with new friend(103 Posts)
My 11 year old DD has been at secondary school since September and has made some new friends, she has been to their houses after school a couple fo times but now one of the girls has invited her and 2 others for a sleepover.
I initially said yes, she could go but after speaking to my husband he is unsure whether to let her go or not. He says we don't know the family, whcih is true, I have only met her mum once and has never seen any of them. So he says it effectively letting her go to stay with strangers.
the thing is that DD has already told her friend she is going so will be devasted if we say no now.
I am torn, I can see both sides and I am not really sure what to do.
Should I say she can't go or try to talk DH round. It took him ages to let her sleep over at her old friends house so I'm not sure whether he will agree or not.
Any advice please?
Why not ring up the parents and arrange to meet up beforehand??
She's 11 years old. Not a baby. Sleepovers are common place at this age. When will she be allowed to go? 16? 18?
You're being over protective, sorry!
Phone the girls mum and speak to her to put your mind at rest.
Unfortunately this is how it is once they reach secondary school, and I know it's a massive difference from primary, where generally you picked up/dropped off and mingled with other parents.
When my DDs were in year 7 (now in year 10), I let them go but made sure they had their phones and trusted them to contact me if there was anything they felt uneasy about. I also got the mobile numbers of the mums and text them beforehand, and dropped my DDs off - I wouldn't let them make their own way there. Generally the parents would invite me in and they've always been very nice.
You just have to go with it and trust your DD/hope for the best.
Please don't stop her going, sleepovers are a massive thing for girls this age, and very important when settling into secondary and making new friends. She'll be fine, just remember the vast majority of people are lovely! It's just we only hear about the dodgy ones in the media!
Agree with pp, at primary we all get to know parents from drop offs and play/teas gradually moves on to sleepovers, it's quite an easy transition.
In secondary it's different. Parents aren't as involved at all, the dc arrange things themselves obviously after asking us first and sometimes you can be dropping dc off at a house that you've no idea who they are. I've never rang to meet, but I did text the parents and on drop offs went to the door <much to dc's horror> just to say hi. Once you have some idea its much easier to drop them off with a wave.
But yes, your dh will have to get his head round the fact that at secondary the parents do stay relative strangers. As long as you've equipped dc with general safeguariding advice and they have a phone in case of probs then I would advise a text to the parent, then letting her go.
If you don't let her go the other girl will ask someone else and you DD will feel incredibly left out. I think it's bad to go back on your word. This is what secondary school is like and I'm assuming you DD has a mobile and you can check up that way and get her to message you? I'm sure it's a harmless sleep over but you can always call the parents for reassurance if needed. Your dd will never forgive you if you say no now. It's a big deal
Why is his opinion more important than yours?
It isn't. Of course she must go. This is part of growing up...learning about other families and developing skills. I'd TELL him she's going.
My broad rule of thumb was
- you have to have been to the house before and felt comfortable there
- I drop you off and meet the adult in charge
Also to know the list of names of who else is expected, address and landline number.
Also very clear if they felt uncomfortable they could feign illness and we would come and collect.
(I don't think this should be about 'over-ruling'. We have a policy that both of us have to feel happy/agree to allow something to happen. If one feels something is unsafe and the other can't persuade, then they 'win').
"I initially said yes, she could go but after speaking to my husband he is unsure whether to let her go or not. He says we don't know the family, whcih is true, I have only met her mum once and has never seen any of them. So he says it effectively letting her go to stay with strangers."
Your husband is being a weirdo control freak. Tell him to get a grip.
DS was invited to a new friend's house after school. The invite was issued by the child, not the parent, so I asked several times if the parents could call/text me to confirm ok. The call never came despite asking several times. Next thing I knew he was at this boy's house. I was a bit concerned and texted my son several times to check he was ok. I did insist on collecting him afterwards where the reason was revealed - the parents spoke no English. All seemed fine and he has been back since.
By this age you just need to cut the apron strings. I would take/pick her up so you know where she is and keep in touch by text. It will be fine
I would want to meet them first.... Can you not get in first with tea or something to meet the girl/parents?.
What do people do in situations like this with regard to checking that the house has smoke detectors/carbon monoxide detectors, without looking like a complete loon?
This sort of thing really worries me. I'm a few years away from it yet as mine are still young, but I don't think I could let them stay somewhere without smoke detectors, at a minimum. But if I didn't know the parents very well I'd feel a bit awkward about asking (e.g. If they didn't have them, I don't want to inadvertently imply that they're negligent, etc)
Personally, I would ask for the girl's mum's number and text her and just say you are just checking that the sleepover is OK and does she need a sleeping bag and that you will pop around with your daughters overnight stuff. Then you have an excuse to go around and meet them and check everything's ok. At the end of the day she is only 11.
I have an 11 year old and he makes plans initially himself but I always follow up with a text to the parent if we are inviting people over to reassure them and give details of where we live and times etc.
I have never asked for the address and landline of the other children at a sleepover ; I wouldn't expect the host to give this out!
Why is he allowed to over rule you?
It's not a case of overuling, surely, it's a case of both parents being happy with a situation. Would you expect your DH to decide something regarding your children that you were unhappy about, without taking your concerns into consideration?
I think that you should try to persuade your DH that it's ok for your child to go, but make sure that you have met the parents by dropping off, and everyone has contact details. Also make sure your child has a phone, and knows what to do if they feel at all unhappy at any time.
Ultimately though, I do think that you both have to be happy to let her go, otherwise it can't happen.
Ffs seriously asking other parents if they have smoke detectors and the names and addresses of other children.
You sound unhinged sorry and worse any hint of stuff like this would get round the school like wild fire and you might as well stick a sign in her back saying please take the piss out of me!
She's 11 not 4. Presumably she has a mobile if not get her one so she can text you.
And seriously sort out your dh or she will resent you both for the subsequent fall out at school of your actions.
Please don't do this to her. She's just at that age to make friends and strike out for herself.
I would have been insulted and flabbergasted if a parent had asked me about smoke alarms and monoxide alarms.
Stick up for your dd op. Sort your controlling dh out.
I found the leap from primary to secondary hard. My rule is that I have the host parent's number so I can call / text in advance. I do it as much to check that the parent is happy - not just over-enthusiastic young people - and that I have the address / arrangements correct.
Despite my DD hating it, strangely it's always worked fine. No social death and the other parents appreciate it, as I do.
Agree with hihohoho. Dd is in exactly the same position. First sleepover with new y7 friends it didn't cross my mind to say no, or to police the parents beforehand. I work on the basis she's sensible enough to contact me if the parents turn out to be smoking crack/ hosting a bare knuckle boxing match/ forcing dd to drink neat vodka etc.
grumpy sorry I wasn't clear.
Good to know who else is invited (are they names you have heard of, are they 'sensible' kids, any of opposite sex etc)
And address and landline (if poss) of sleepover location only. Definitely not the other guests!
You take your child to the door, just for a quick hi, and to confirm pick up in the morning.
Thanks for your replies. I will have a chat to DH and say that I will speak to her mum beforehand and take her there on the day and hopefully he will be ok.
He isn't controlling, he is just a bit overprotective of his little girl. He isn't over ruling me, we had a talk and didn't quite agree. We haven't made a decision yet but whatever we decide we need to agree.
I have met the girl's mum and she seemed very nice. I also know the 2 other girls who are going and have met their parents on several occassions and have their parents phone numbers.
DD has a mobile so I will tell her she can phone me if she is uncomfortabel and wants to come home at any point.
It's all just so different from Primary school
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