To keep dd in our room and ds in his.

(27 Posts)
NickyEds Tue 05-Jan-16 13:57:19

We have a just-turned two year old ds and a 5.5 month old dd. At the moment ds is in the nursery in a cot and dd is in our room in a crib. Ds is a good sleeper and he loves his cot, he naps for 2-2.5 hours in the afternoon and goes happily to bed at 7.30 until around 6-6.30. Dd goes to bed at 7 ish, I feed her when we go to bed then she'll sleep until 3-4am when she'll have another feed. After this feed she's a bit of a nightmare to get into her crib so come into bed with us. It's not ideal but at least we get some more sleep.
Dp thinks we should move ds into his new big boy room and dd into the nursery. He thinks it will be easier to move ds before the mornings get lighter and thinks dd is less likely to end up in bed with us if she's in the nursery. He also thinks that we're making a rod for our own backs by bringing dd into our bed (he knows someone who's 4 year old still sleeps with themconfused). I'm happy enough to leave ds in his cot and leave dd in with us (although she may have to go into a travel cot). He probably has a point but AIBU to think that this sleeping arrangement isn't that bad considering our dcs ages?

TempusEedjit Tue 05-Jan-16 14:06:20

I agree with your DP. Mind you I don't have DC so what do I know? grin

Pangurban1 Tue 05-Jan-16 14:11:57

Do you do the 3-4am feed? If so you have to choose what is easiest for you. Otherwise you will be the one moving to the nursery and not being able to easily return to bed yourself. The person left in the bedroom will be fine as someone else is having to stay up to settle your dd. If you take equal turns, then both have an equal say.

Thymeout Tue 05-Jan-16 14:17:00

When did you move your ds into the nursery? Separate rooms seem to have worked out OK for him. Ime, babies sleep better in their own rooms, and I'd definitely avoid having dd in your bed. I know it's not a popular view on here, but I'm with your dh and the 'rod for your own back' school there. It's not as if you started off with the idea of co-sleeping.

You'll have to move dd from her crib to a cot anyway soon, so why not make the change now? Travel cots aren't meant to be for long-term use.

5madthings Tue 05-Jan-16 14:19:50

I don't see the issue with moving ds but if you are the one getting up and dealing with dd at night I would keep her close by or is dh volunteering to get up and fetch dd when she needs feeding in the night or to resettle her back in the cot?

Re ds and moving before lighter mornings he may have a point, I would be inclined to move ds and get him used to bug bed etc and then when you are ready to move dd do so. But leaving a gap between moving him out of the cot and her into it if you can may be good. Just so he doesn't feel she has usurped his room/cot. That depends on your ds though, some kids won't be bothered.

On a practical level you can try dd in the other room to see if she sleeps better... But like fuck would I be the one getting up to deal with her if it was dh insisting she slept in a separate room.

Their sleeping sounds entirely typical for their ages Btw and you are right pretty good really.

So in conclusion I would be thinking about moving ds as you are going to need the cot at some point soon but I wouldn't be making the effort to try and get dd to sleep in another room as she is little and feeding in the night.

But we Co slept with all of ours in the night when little so....

NickyEds Tue 05-Jan-16 14:33:54

I do the 3-4am feed as she's bf. She has a ff at 7 then bf at all other times. the nursery is on the next floor up so I'd either have to feed her up there or bring her down, feed her then take her back up. I know it's not far but at 3am it feels it!

With ds we slept in the nursery (our old house) so we just moved out when he was 6 month and returned to our own room.

I know what you mean about moving ds I've just heard so many horror stories about disrupted sleep when they're moved that I'm being a wimp about it! I've actually suggested buying a cheap cot to go in our room for dd when she outgrows the crib(or moving ds then moving the cot to our room). Dp thinks this is a terrible idea and that she'd still be in our room when she's two. I wouldn't mind that as much as himblush

CremeEggThief Tue 05-Jan-16 14:36:21

YANBU. Keep DD where she is, until she's stopped being at night.

rhetorician Tue 05-Jan-16 14:38:15

someone who's 4 year old still sleeps with them confused well, he may be laughing on the other side of his face when she IS 4 - my 4 year old slept absolutely fine in cot etc until about the last 3-4 months, where she inevitably ends up in our bed at some point. I'd rather it wasn't the case, but we are both working full-time and frankly it's easier to have her come up and just go to sleep than sit downstairs with her (we are in attic) for ages - I don't do well with going back to sleep once fully woken.

5madthings Tue 05-Jan-16 14:55:50

Omg so baby will be on a different floor and you will have to go up to feed her, fuck that for a laugh. No way would I be moving her.

Our just five year old ends up in our bed somwtimes. She had been sleeping really well in her own but repeated ear infections and glue ear disrupted her sleep. So when she gets into our bed at 4am I just tuck her in and we sleep. Sod getting up to put her back in her bed and resettle her, far too lazy to do that and they do grow out of it, I have four older kids who are testament to that. But dh and I are on the same page where Co sleeping is concerned. I do think though whilst you are doing night feeds you choose where she sleeps.

Floggingmolly Tue 05-Jan-16 14:59:18

What is a "nursery", exactly? Why can't you just leave your ds where he is, and put the baby in the "big boy" ( confused ) bedroom?

NickyEds Tue 05-Jan-16 15:02:12

nursery has a cot (it's just a cot not a cot bed) in it, big boy room has a toddler bed in it.

I didn't think it was that confused to call them that??

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Tue 05-Jan-16 15:09:50

Try putting ds for his afternoon nap in the big boy bed and see how he does?

He might love it! In which case, there is no issue with moving him.

Try getting him used to the big boy bed before dd gets the cot.

NickyEds Tue 05-Jan-16 15:11:39

A nursery is a room for small people to sleep in. We can leave ds where he is but to put dd in the big boy room we'd have to buy another cot and she'd still be a floor away from me for feeding purposes. We call it the "big boy" room to try and make it exciting for the two year old. Sorry if I've confused you!

diddl Tue 05-Jan-16 15:18:40

Doesn't sound workable to with with your arrangement of rooms.

Come the better weather you might feel differently about having baby on a different floor if you're only doing the one feed early morning & then putting herback.

Or would the crib fit in the bedroom & leave your son where he is if the idea is to get the baby to self settle after the 3am feed.

Cel982 Tue 05-Jan-16 15:57:55

As a general principle, if everyone is getting a reasonable amount of sleep then I wouldn't change things.

There's no way I'd be putting a small baby to sleep on another floor of the house. Not a chance. It'll make your nights much more difficult - she may continue to wake at night for months/years yet and you'll be the one stumbling up and down the stairs in your sleep. And personally I believe babies and young children need the comfort of their parent close by at night anyway. It's really only in small pockets of the West that a four-year-old co-sleeping with their parents would necessitate an eye roll.

NickyEds Tue 05-Jan-16 16:06:34

Cel I think that generally too. Ds was fine with being left but dd is a very different baby. She's very keen on being held, being near me, being in our bed (which I think is fair enough considering she lived inside me only a matter of weeks ago!). Dp thinks co-sleeping is making it worse and that we disturb each other by being in the same room. He thinks everyone would sleep better in their own rooms.

Floggingmolly Tue 05-Jan-16 16:17:20

confused at the room names... I do actually know what a nursery is used for; but my point was simply that rooms can be used for any purpose you need, whatever they're called.
Why would you have to buy another cot instead of just moving the one you have to the other room? Wouldn't that then make the other room the nursery??

WhispersOfWickedness Tue 05-Jan-16 16:19:27

Are the nursery and big bedroom similar sizes? I.e. could you fit the toddler bed in the nursery? If you can, I would move DS into that in the nursery and have the cot in your room for DD, so each child is eased into their new beds without having to move rooms too. It is madness to move DD until she has stopped feeding at night, especially up one floor away from you, it will make a massive difference to the getting up part of the night if you have to actually get out of bed and move to another floor/room to feed and settle her, you will be much more tired. I would only agree to that part if DH brings her to you to be fed and then takes her back again to settle her, since he is the one so keen on the change in arrangements smile It is not making a rod for your own back to cosleep with a little baby, I co-slept with my DD until around 2ish and she was quite happy to settle in her own bed when she was sleeping through and it was no longer practical to cosleep smile

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Tue 05-Jan-16 16:24:47

Is he prepared to do his share of the resettling? If not then tell him that with the greatest respect he can fuck right off if it's not what you want.

In my experience [with 2], once they get moved from a cot to a bed there's a short window of a couple of months where they continue to sleep well and then the light dawns that they can get up and roam about. Then you are fucked for a few months putting the toddler back in their bed, camping on the floor beside them so that they stay there/ or standing at the door giving the evil eye all while juggling a smaller child who is still fed in the middle of the night.

If you are returning to work at 6-7 months then he has a point. Moving your child to the nursery is a good plan if you you want to wean him/her off the overnight feeds and get them sleeping through. Or shortening the feeds to a more efficient time if you have a habit of co-sleeping/feeding with a baby nuzzling on and off for an hour. I don't think you have a hope in hell of doing this while sharing a room with them.

I'd personally leave a child in a cot as long as possible even if it means buying two grin

Since you already have the "big boys bed" then as and when your DH is ready to have his sleep interrupted by all means make the move. My tip is t o put the travel cot in there too so that your DS can be popped back into that if he is wandering.

If DS is in a gro bag, ime it works better to make the moves when the weather is warmer as they have a bad habit of taking their own sweet time to get used to a duvet and spend the winter with coughs and colds and nightwakings when they get cold.

NickyEds Tue 05-Jan-16 17:07:42

Is he prepared to do his share of the resettling?
Yes, i think he probably would but obviously it would mean giving her another ff (or us both being awake)and I'm not sure about that. I'm a SAHM so don't really expect him to do too much night crap during the week, just not make the nights harder for me IYSWIM, still, no particular rush to get her sleeping through other than sleeping through would be nice.

Putting the toddler bed into the nursery is a good idea. It would be very snug but ok. Dp really won't hear of moving the cot into our room. He really thinks it will make dd being in our room a permanent thing.

Ha! I agree with the buying two cots thing- ds has never tried to climb out of it so the only reason to move him is to make room for dd.

Permanentlyexhausted Tue 05-Jan-16 17:59:33

Ds was fine with being left but dd is a very different baby. She's very keen on being held, being near me, being in our bed (which I think is fair enough considering she lived inside me only a matter of weeks ago!). Dp thinks co-sleeping is making it worse and that we disturb each other by being in the same room. He thinks everyone would sleep better in their own rooms.

This sounds just like mine. I hate to tell you this but DD still comes into our bed in the middle of the night quite often. She's 9 and a bloody half!!!!

But then DS was co-sleeping with us on and off until he was 3 or 4 and never had a problem with sleeping in his own room and staying there. Every child is different.

Sorry, no real advice to offer.

smile

Cel982 Tue 05-Jan-16 18:27:02

Would your husband be open to reading something about normal infant psychology and sleep? It sounds like you're naturally leaning towards attachment parenting but he's less keen. If you Google Sarah Ockwell-Smith she has lots of sensible advice about infant sleep.

Notso Tue 05-Jan-16 18:44:08

I would wait a little while until DD starts eating food and then you can think about stopping night feeds.

NickyEds Tue 05-Jan-16 20:09:38

Good grief Permanentlyexhausted! That's exactly that scenario dp is envisioning!

We've had a quick chat and decided that we can give ds a go in the toddler bed with no pressure at all for it to work out. If he doesn't like it then he can always go back to the cot. I think we'll give it a go next week sometime.

I've said dd needs to be in with us until she sleeps through as it would be just too much of a pita to feed her and resettle her upstairs. He's hoping she sleeps through soon! It's a bit of a catch 22 for him- dd can't move out until she sleeps and he thinks she won't sleep until she moves out. I'll persevere with putting her into her crib after her feed .She's ready to be weaned so that might help but with ds it actually started a spell of truly awful sleep so we'll have to see....

spaceyboo Wed 06-Jan-16 00:14:14

Does she have to be in your bed? Can't she be in your room in a cot? Agree with your DP about your son tho. Sleep training is a lot easier in winter.

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