Why am I so utterly self destructive?

(40 Posts)
furryblanket Sun 03-Jan-16 02:14:59

New here, lurked for ages. No DC, no DP (any more, after my most recent drunken outburst).

I've become aware that I will do anything and everything to try and ruin my life and I don't even do it consciously. Lately it's drink related but it hasn't always been; I just seem incapable of making sensible decisions.
I recently had a work night out and completely embarrassed myself (argument with a loved colleagues wife) and then proceeded to go back to the hotel room and kick aforementioned exDP out of the hotel room, leaving him to wait until early hours for a train home. I don't remember any of these things happening.

The normal thing to do, in the Christmas break, would have been to take some time to myself and relax and recoup and stop feeling awful. Instead, I've spent it in a vicious cycle of drunk, horrifically anxious hangover, drunk etc etc. Now I'm shitting myself about going back to work and having to face up to my behaviour.

I've posted in AIBU for traffic. I need someone to either shout some sense into me or offer kind words. I've got an appointment booked with a counsellor but it's not until the 11th. Just feel crap.

marly53 Sun 03-Jan-16 03:20:42

Hi furryblanket hope you're OK as it sounds like you're kinda in a bad place at the moment.

You are not on your own where your behaviour when drink taken is concerned, lots of people have done similar things and worse!

I don't mean to be patronising but first thing I would say is to leave off drink for a while start focusing on you, start with why you need to drink. Be kind to yourself, so you messed up its OK we all do it at times, minimize recent events and don't let them define who you are. You are a good person and that's shown in remorse you feel about your actions.

The most important thing to know is that you are in control; of your emotions and reactions. Be proactive and be positive. Challenge any negative thoughts that you have and do that everyday, that inner voice that we all have. Be aware of your thinking and change it to positive. Be aware everyday of good and positive things you do, write them down and process them. It could be anything from getting out for a walk to being kind to yourself. Your first one could be posting here, that's positive, its proactive and shows a desire for change and self awareness, all good things!

Don't dread going to work, be proactive and apologise, its up to them to accept and hopefully they will but incase they don't that's OK, let it go and move on. Sit your partner down and talk if they are willing to listen, be honest, say sorry and mean it knowing you are starting on the road of change.

You are in control furryblanket always remember that, we choose how to react and behave even if we aren't aware of it. The counsellor will hopefully provide some guidance and support but you can start to turn things around even before the appt. Never give up, things will get better, you are off to a great start, you've reached out (the positives everyday really does work, has helped me).

Hope I've been of some help smile

MrsGrahamCoxon Sun 03-Jan-16 03:25:15

Bright eye forum is a great place to go for advice

Scarletforya Sun 03-Jan-16 03:26:21

Hi OP, it sounds like you have a drink problem. You sound as if you're in a cycle of shame and despair, drinking, more shame and despair etc

Do you think you could stop drinking?

furryblanket Sun 03-Jan-16 03:31:52

marly thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. Situation with DP is already very much dead in the sand but he has said that he forgives me but just needs to be alone for a bit.

MrsG I'll have a look, thanks

Scarelt re: stopping drinking, no, I don't think I can. Not at this point. You're right about the cycle, though, and that's what makes it so hard. And so emotionally hard; I'm meant to be an intelligent person and I don't really understand why I keep doing this to myself/my loved ones

Scarletforya Sun 03-Jan-16 03:41:07

Ahh, that's so hard. Well, it doesn't happen overnight. Could you make it a goal to figure out how to stop, look into getting some help/support.

I wish I had some better advice, you're in a painful place right now. flowers

furryblanket Sun 03-Jan-16 03:45:17

It's my 'longish term' NYR! I was thinking about trying dry January but I knew I'd just end up lying to myself so I have an aim to try and drink less as the year goes on as that seems more manageable.

Thank you, though. I posted this in a fit of pique and feel a bit better now

BastardGoDarkly Sun 03-Jan-16 04:08:48

furry I've made a twat of myself through drink a few times this last year, and I know the self flagellation only too well.

Do you have colleagues number or email? Maybe it you get an apology accepted by them, you'll feel better about going back?

You're certainly not the first and you won't be the last to act like a dick on the works do.

flowers

furryblanket Sun 03-Jan-16 04:18:46

Bastard Thank you. I sent a text the morning after and an email the week we were back at work (on the advice of my boss who had a well deserved extended break). The response was that he wants to 'discuss further' when we're back this week. I think this is causing most of my work related anxiety because although I know I was a dick, I can't remember what happened and am not looking forward to reliving it.

I'm such a dick. If I was reading this I'd definitely think I was a complete nightmare and beyond help. Sometimes I just want it all to stop.

furryblanket Sun 03-Jan-16 04:22:39

Anyway, I'm going to try and get away from feeling crap by going back to bed (bloody insomnia advice to get out of bed always gets me into trouble) and attempting sleep... No doubt this will bring back great/horrible memories of now exDP.

I'm sorry for using MN for a wallowing extravaganza, I really am. And thank you so much to those who responded at these ungodly hours, I really do appreciate it

mathanxiety Sun 03-Jan-16 04:40:10

How about 'Dry Sunday' for starters? Then you could try 'Dry Monday'? Etc.

You need to get a grip on the catastrophising and the drama -- 'beyond help' for instance. That is not a solid approach to your problem. That is you standing in the middle of the road, paralysed, but getting something out of all of this all the same. You are the centre of your own saga here in many ways -- 'The Ongoing Tragedy of Furryblanket - a roller coaster adventure in umpteen parts'.

Are you hiding behind drinking? Are you drinking to keep some sort of unpalatable reality or something you imagine or suspect about yourself at bay? Why are you shooting yourself in the foot in relationships and at work?

Are you afraid of success? Do you believe deep down that you can succeed, or that you deserve to succeed, get a good reputation at work, and develop a good personal relationship, if you give yourself a chance?

You need to figure out why you need all the drama that drinking brings and if it is preferable to you over ordinary, boring, maturity.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 03-Jan-16 06:59:06

You have a drink problem. Please get help. Don't let alcohol steal anymore from you. Don't wait until you lose everything to do something. Could you get some counselling? It's not easy but many have managed and are the better for it.

Destinysdaughter Sun 03-Jan-16 07:18:54

If you feel you can't stop drinking then I would suggest you are an alcoholic and need support to stop. Many people only go to AA when they are at rock bottom and have lost everything. Don't let that be you. Not knowing what you did on your works do is pretty terrifying tbh. Please go to a meeting, no one will judge you, and you may learn something from hearing other people's stories. It's a hard thing to admit but I think this has been a wake up call for you so please act on it. It will only get worse otherwise. You are also very hard on yourself, no one here has been as hard on you, try and have some self love. You sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. Hugs and strength to you.

PuntasticUsername Sun 03-Jan-16 08:52:39

I feel for you OP - I've been where you are. Go to AA - find a meeting nearby today (there's a meeting finder on their website), and just go.

They will welcome you, not judge you, know exactly where you're coming from without you having to say much, and help you find the strength to stop drinking for long enough to start figuring out the rest of your behaviour.

Good luck flowers

ilovesooty Sun 03-Jan-16 08:59:31

I see you have made an appointment to see a counsellor. Is this specifically for alcohol related help? I'm sure work will take on board the fact that you've already put interventions in place.

Good luck.

catfordbetty Sun 03-Jan-16 09:05:49

re: stopping drinking, no, I don't think I can

Stop fooling yourself: you must. This is the foundation on which all progress will be made.

Elaheh Sun 03-Jan-16 10:40:44

Try anti-depressants, they will help you feel more positive and in control.
I'm quite socially anxious and in past used alcohol as a crutch. It's so easy to over-do it and end up drunk, you have my sympathy.

I also made a fool of myself at work Xmas do a few years ago. I danced on a table with my short dress riding up around my hips, tried to take male colleagues shirts off, sat on people's laps and got into a row with someone I disliked blush blush
The hangover was horrendous. The Monday morning was horrendous but you know what? Most people were very understanding and kind about it. They told me about past Xmas parties where someone had always done something worse, or been drunker, and although they teased me about my antics it was in a good-natured way. IME most people have made a fool of themselves while drunk at some point and so they understand.

Be kind to yourself.

BTW whenever I drink nowadays I always stick to 2units.

TiredButFineODFOJ Sun 03-Jan-16 12:00:56

People are saying they have been where you are- and it's true. You can turn this around.
Work wise- you got drunk and had a mad drunken row with someone's partner. It's utterly embarassing of course. It's not really a "work" matter in so far as you don't work together plus I assume work arranged this bash where alcohol was provided. So there was some fault on the side of the employer.
Regarding the meeting to discuss it further- it will be difficult. You will feel like shit. You say you've done the self flagellation all year. Well younwill be doing a bit more at the meeting too, but you will do yourself and work a big favour by saying you have learned from this that you think you have a problem. You can see drinking is part of that. You're seeking help with that and with your overall situation- this has brought it all into the open.
You don't know yet what the problems are exactly, but alcohol is one, self esteem is another, so is low mood, maybe depression. Ask them to support you through this time.
They can support you in letting you take leave for your counselling appointments, doctor appointments, AA meetings, referring you to Occ Health.
I don't know if there is much "drinking" culture at work (client meetings/pub lunches/ friday drinks after work) but they can help you by not tempting you with these things. You need to avoid any work + drink situations. You can ban yourself from them, but they need to actively remove you from them as well.
You sound like you are at the start of a journey which many have been on, I'll tell you something. I'm excited and hopeful for you. After you go through the shit it's all worthwhile. Your life wil be better. You will be better.
I think you should see your GP, psychotherapy could be something which could help you. You know you have "ishoos" and you need to work out what they really are. Alcoholism is usually the symptom of a deeper problem.
Good Luck.

furryblanket Tue 05-Jan-16 23:11:29

update-

Thank you, everyone. I needed a kick up the arse, kind and less kind.

I haven't had a drink since the night of my OP. This is the longest I've not drunk for since I was about 18.

Re: the work thing, I've not met with the male colleague yet and he still isn't speaking to me, but I did have a meeting with my boss today about it all and she was so nice and supportive because she knows how worried I was, although I know she's not impressed she's simply said that I cannot behave like this again. We have a meeting with the colleague on Friday in which I have to apologise.

Long term I know this is going to be hard. I want to drink now, just because that's what I do. But next week I have my counselling intro and my meeting with the samaritans for potential volunteering. And I've started the new year by throwing myself into work (at the advice of exDP who was also surprisingly nice and supportive when we spoke, despite my behaviour).

As a summary, I feel like I must be an okay person for people to continue with their trust in me despite my idiocy, I just need to really, REALLY try not to fuck these people over with reptitions of stupid behaviour

Mmmmcake123 Tue 05-Jan-16 23:27:27

Keep going OP and we'll done!!

TiredButFineODFOJ Tue 05-Jan-16 23:29:13

Furry good for you.
I'm glad that people have been supportive, it's a nice surprise that when you're really at rock bottom and have pissed them right off, they can still help you.
Not drinking will be tough but you can do it. Keep accepting help with it, it's a lot to bear on your own. You will start feeling some benefits of not being hungover and ashamed (apart from the ongoing colleague shame attacks I suppose).
Plan some little treats- even daily ones. A nice bath, buy a big issue, bake a cake, get a colouring book.

furryblanket Tue 05-Jan-16 23:46:10

Thank you. And thank you to mathanxiety for the 'dry sunday/monday' suggestion. Baby steps

Cleensheetsandbedding Tue 05-Jan-16 23:52:00

Hi op sounds similar to my New Year's Eve. I don't really drink that often but when I do I go way over board.

I've admitted I've got a drinking problem and have promised myself no more. I can't cope with the depression and self hate afterwards - I'm still not right.

Good luck in moving forwards flowers

BastardGoDarkly Wed 06-Jan-16 00:11:04

Oh furry I'm so glad.

You've taken real steps, and your exdp especially, is probably softened by that.

I really hope you keep it up, and the meeting on Friday goes OK !

I'm on a really supportive dry Jan thread if you fancy dropping in some time x

awfullyproper Wed 06-Jan-16 00:43:50

Furry, you're probably a lovely decent person and that is why people are showing you care and support. They can see you're a good person and care about you and want to be there for you despite what you may have done whilst drunk.
Good luck with your recovery.

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