To be hurt?

(133 Posts)
Balders74 Fri 01-Jan-16 23:16:43

This time last year I split from my stbxh. We had been together for 16 years, married for 10. He was a lazy bully & I had to make a change for the sake of our 2 DC.

STBXH is good friends with my sister's husband & there has been some tension because he (BiL) has taken STBXH's side in the split, even though he knows how awful things were but I suppose bro's stick together. The breakup has not been easy & my ex is being difficult.

Every year my sister holds a New Years party & this year they invited STBXH & I. When I asked my sister why she said she thought it would be OK by the I.e. We could both attend. I was upset that she had been so inconsiderate. I knew my ex would go to the party so there was no way I could go.

So the party happened last night & sure enough STBXH was there and to make matters worse with a new woman he turned up with on Christmas Day when he picked the kids up to take them to his parents. Christmas Day!!!

There are picutres all over FB of him & her surrounded by my friends & family and it hurts. I am so hurt by my sister for doing this & I don't feel like I can talk to her any time soon.

AIBU?

MoMoTy Fri 01-Jan-16 23:20:42

Yanbu, what a pair of inconsiderate twats. How hurtful for you flowers
How could she possibly do that knowing everything. Actually disgusting for them to have done that. Definitely keep your distance for a bit.

Twitterqueen Fri 01-Jan-16 23:21:35

No you are not BU. Unfortunately there is always this split between friends when anyone divorces. Mostly it's extremely difficult and embarrassing. I was invited to a party held by close friends who I thought understood the situation only to find my STBXH there... I was very agitated and left immediately, only to be told I was "cutting my nose off to spite my face" and other ridiculous accusations.

You won't win here, and you can never explain to anyone else why you don't want to be in the same room. the only thing to do is follow the Queen's example. Never explain, never complain. Simply leave / do what you need to and NEVER apologise.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Fri 01-Jan-16 23:22:48

No, you are not being unreasonable at all OP. Poor you flowers

hownottofuckup Fri 01-Jan-16 23:23:27

Yanbu at all.
That's horribly thoughtless of them all.
I'm surprised his new GF agreed to go!

GoEasyPudding Fri 01-Jan-16 23:24:10

Blimey, no. Of course this is hurtful. You should come first with your sister. I'm rather upset on your behalf actually.
Why did she think this would be ok?

WorraLiberty Fri 01-Jan-16 23:24:33

It's difficult though.

He's been in/around your family for 16 years and he's the father of your kids.

Perhaps they feel bad dropping him like a hot cake, as they feel there are two sides to every break up and they don't want to get involved?

GoEasyPudding Fri 01-Jan-16 23:30:54

I really like twitterqueens advice. Your sister should feel ashamed of herself.

NickiFury Fri 01-Jan-16 23:31:41

I would never in a million years about my dsis's ex and his new GF to a family party. I think it's horrendously disloyal actually and I would find it hard to forgive.

Mmmmcake123 Fri 01-Jan-16 23:32:41

That's sh*t plain and simple. flowers

DoreenLethal Fri 01-Jan-16 23:35:30

Not dropping like ahot cake isone thing, inviting him to a family party quite another.

Well, you know where you stand now.

TheoriginalLEM Fri 01-Jan-16 23:35:51

thats terrible. do you think your sister is also bullied ny her dh?

Mmmmcake123 Fri 01-Jan-16 23:39:53

Good point the LEM

Balders74 Fri 01-Jan-16 23:40:21

Thanks for the reassurance.

I'm not surprised the new GF went. There is a story behind that as well. STBXH went to Cormwall the weekend before Christmas. He has an elder DD that lives there that he has never really bothered about. He was suppose to have our DS that weekend but told me he couldn't. It transpired he was going to see his DD, or so I thought. He had reconnected with a woman that he went to primary school with (35+years ago) & he was going to meet up with her. Well, he brought her back with him and she has been staying with him ever since.

So on Christmas Day he comes to pick the DC up & there is a random woman in the car that then spends the rest of the day with them all!!

I have dropped DS off for his weekend with STBXH tonight & she is there. I think it is inappropriate to just chuck this woman into their lives this way.

I am trying to rise above it & wish her luck, because when his facade slips she is going to need it!

pictish Fri 01-Jan-16 23:40:32

Hmm...well it's difficult - her husband is his friend. He might have argued that if you can't be in the same room as your ex, that's your problem.
I'm not saying he's in the right or anything, just imagining how the conversation about it went.

I can understand how maddening this is for you.

wannaBe Fri 01-Jan-16 23:40:55

I agree with worra he is your children's father and they have presumably had a relationship with him independent of your own. Unless there is a crime involved it is IMO the better person who doesn't take sides in a split.

TheoriginalLEM Fri 01-Jan-16 23:43:13

blood is thicker than water. it was the op's SISTER!!!

Balders74 Fri 01-Jan-16 23:45:36

My sister's relationship with her DH is complex but I think in this case they didn't want to appear to be taking sides. My STBXH is a difficult man & I think it is probably easier to upset me than him.

I honestly don't think people really understand. Another member of the family asked if I was going to the party and when I explained why I wasn't she said maybe it would be OK if I came as ex could spend his time upstairs while I stayed downstairs!! No concept of how ridiculous that was.

pictish Fri 01-Jan-16 23:46:04

The sister's dh might not much care about the sanctity of the sisterhood though. I agree with you! Doesn't mean dsdh does.

PingpongDingDong Fri 01-Jan-16 23:47:07

I'm big on having a good relationship with your ex if you can WHEN the time is right. It often takes a couple of years or more for things to settle down to the point where you can socialise together, if indeed you want to. I think inviting your ex and his new gf, knowing how you felt, was very disloyal of your sister and bil in this case.

WorraLiberty Fri 01-Jan-16 23:50:30

Also, you do often read posts on Mumsnet where people feel hurt that their family inlaw, have appeared to take sides after a split.

Lots of posters have been upset by ex SILS/PILS/BILS acting differently towards them after separation/divorce, even though they've known them for a big part of their life.

So perhaps they thought the dust had settled enough after a year, to be able to invite the guy who is after all, still their niece/nephew's Dad?

'Blood is thicker than water' can be a pretty pointless phrase sometimes, especially when the feelings of more than one person are to be taken into consideration.

Balders74 Fri 01-Jan-16 23:53:20

I am not a bitter ex, I ended our marriage for my sanity & the wellbeing of our DC. We are in the middle of trying to sort out our divorce and house situation. Being in the same place on an emotional event such as new year with alcohol is madness.

I have no issue with BiL being friends with STBXH, they have known each other for a long time but there is absolutely no loyalty from my sister.

When I try to talk to her about it she says she doesn't want to get involved.

pictish Fri 01-Jan-16 23:54:22

That's a great shame OP. Are you and your sister close?

WorraLiberty Fri 01-Jan-16 23:57:24

When I try to talk to her about it she says she doesn't want to get involved

I don't blame her though.

Unless there's an absolute reason why she should get involved in someone else's divorce/separation, why would she?

She's probably wise enough to know that no-one's going to thank her for interfering, least of all her niece/nephew.

She obviously cares for both you and your ex, and there's nothing wrong with that.

There's also a possibility that when the hurt/hassle disappears eventually, you'll be pleased she didn't.

NickiFury Fri 01-Jan-16 23:59:36

I don't think anyone could accept with good grace seeing their ex and his new GF at a family party that they felt they could not attend because he was there. I just don't believe anyone actually affected by such a situation would calmly think "well it's best to maintain amicable relationships" and not be hurt.

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