AIBU to contact SIL?

(14 Posts)
Joolsy Fri 01-Jan-16 18:06:52

OH & his sister fell out a year ago over their late mother's estate. It has all been sorted however they haven't spoken since. SIL at the time rang asking to speak to OH. He wasn't here so she became hysterical on the phone and threatened to never speak to me or our DDs again. I have spoken to SIL a couple of times in passing but nothing more, until Xmas eve when I dropped round some presents and was invited into their house and they all behaved as if nothing had happened. We have no other family around and I think as a year has passed we should try to move on. However I spoke to OH about this today and he said unless SIL apologies for threatening me, he still will not speak to her. AIBU to contact her and say that we would like to start having contact with her & her family but ask her to apologise? Not even sure that she would mind you!

Osolea Fri 01-Jan-16 18:09:33

It's your OHs sister, so it's his decision. You can try and persuade him, but ultimately the choice is his. Your job is to respect his choice and support him in it.

emotionsecho Fri 01-Jan-16 18:14:39

I don't think you should be asking your OH's sister to apologise to you, your OH should. It's going to sound a bit odd coming from you "We'd like to resume normal contact but in order to do that OH says you have to apologise to me or he won't talk to you again"

Also, an apology that has to be asked for is meaningless and worthless, and asking for it now is likely to take the situation back to square one as it will rehash whatever the problems were that led to her outburst.

Can you not just put it down to feelings running high at a very difficult time and just build bridges and contact?

sharklasers Fri 01-Jan-16 18:15:42

Can I jus ask why you contacted her after she had been so horrible on the phone? What did your OH think of what she said and what did he want to do at that time?

I really don't think you should go agasint his wishes - it's his sister and it's really up to him. I'd hate it if I decided to go no contact with a member of my family and my partner was going to see them I'd feel really betrayed.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 01-Jan-16 18:17:35

Since she acted as if all is okay couldn't your partner see the way to be mature and just move on? What was the threat? That you'd never see her again?

Kingfisherfree Fri 01-Jan-16 18:19:13

I agree with emotionsecho, it must have been a very difficult time for all of you. People often fall out after a bereavement. I wouldn't ask for an apology I would try to get your OH to build some bridges.

Sparkletastic Fri 01-Jan-16 18:19:31

Asking for an apology is meaningless and pointless. You can either move on or you can't. Sounds like your DH wants to keep nursing his grudge.

Joolsy Fri 01-Jan-16 18:26:10

I didn't really make contact with her as such, I've seen her a couple of times when she brought round birthday presents for my DDs over the year, then she turned up unexpectedly before Xmas with presents for all of us. I then went to their house the day after with some presents for them.

She threatened to never see us again even though myself and the DDs had done nothing wrong (although I don't think OH did anything wrong either - I'm on his side all the way). Emotions were definitely running high around that time which is probably why she was hysterical. OH was appalled with how she spoke to me. I just think we should maybe try to have some sort of contact, even if we don't see each other often, would be nice for my DDs to see their cousins too. They don't have any other family apart from my dad & brother who we don't see very often

KurriKurri Fri 01-Jan-16 18:39:49

I think if you are the person who is owed an apology then it is up to you whether you want to insist on one or not. Your choice may be to forget it, not insist on a formal apology but to re establish contact for the sake of the children. It may be that once you are on better terms that a sincere apology will be forth coming.

It seems that you would like to establish contact again, and that by her behaviour on Christmas eve so would your SIL. I think in the big scheme of things insisting on someone actually saying the words of an apology is a little meaningless and maybe not the best way to go about mending bridges.

It's not your DH's place to demand an apology - it is yours since you were the one that was threatened, and if you are prepared to m ove on without one then that should be your choice.

diddl Fri 01-Jan-16 18:40:54

I think that if your husband doesn't want to see her unless she apologises then that's up to him.

Seems a bit daft though as you are the one she "threatened" & you have now moved on.

I couldn't be doing with my husband holding a grudge on my behalf if I wasn't iyswim.

magoria Fri 01-Jan-16 18:45:51

If you want contact with her then you need to have contact with her withoutdemands for an apology.

By doing this be prepared that you may upset/piss your OH off if he doesn't want contact.

Wolpertinger Fri 01-Jan-16 18:52:58

Did your husband actually like his sister that much before they fell out?

If they were prev very close, saw each other often, chatted on the phone all the time kind of people and then fell out when emotions were running high then I would say it is time to move on and help him find away to do this and leave the apology behind.

But if the reality is that all his life he could take or leave her, wouldn't have anything to do with her if they weren't related and then only because someone else organised it and it was Christmas then I think you are pushing something that really doesn't have anything in it for him.

And if he didn't like her at all before then you are absolutely flogging a dead horse.

MudCity Fri 01-Jan-16 19:03:44

She was very distressed and emotional. It was an exceptionally difficult time. It was not a threat to damage you or hurt you...only not to see you all again. One of my close family members did the same when their mother died...she was also hysterical and not thinking straight.

She has also clearly made some efforts since, bringing presents over for you all.

I think, if it were me, I would want to move on. If your OH cannot forgive her, then maybe suggest he speaks with her alone to explain how he feels. Maybe she just doesn't realise the impact of her words. If given the chance, she may well apologise.

We are only human...we say things and do things we later regret. There was a context to what happened and an explanation. Forgive and move forwards if you can.

littleleftie Fri 01-Jan-16 19:04:03

I think you should stay completely out of it.

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