"Happy new year" when you know it wont be

(16 Posts)
whatisforteamum Thu 31-Dec-15 10:31:22

All through Dads last christmas due to terminal cancer yr prognosis last march we ve been happy enough.he and mum have had a tough few yrs battling cancer however he struggles to walk now.I feel a bit emotional that as we enter this yr he wont see the end.Weve been blessed he has had the last 3 yrs though,
i work new yrs eve and always pop in and say happy nw yr before i go to work.If i dont go it will be odd.I cant think how Mum must be feeling WWYD ?I did say it when they both had chemo in 2012 then instantly wanted to take it back,

Becca19962014 Thu 31-Dec-15 11:01:29

Still pop in for a chat and see how the conversation goes.

whatisforteamum Thu 31-Dec-15 11:42:15

will do x

WorraLiberty Thu 31-Dec-15 11:52:57

Sorry to hear this thanks

I agree with Becca. See how the conversation goes and take your lead from them if you can.

notenoughbottle Thu 31-Dec-15 11:56:58

I can really empathise with you. My dad was diagnosed with cancer just before Xmas and I know that this year is going to be totally crap. Wish I could offer some words of happiness or something but I can't. You're not on you're own though thanks

whatisforteamum Thu 31-Dec-15 12:07:37

thank you all and sorry if you are in the same boat.Mum and Dad have been so positive through their cancers however strong their spirit it is hard to acknowledge this will be their last (seems harder than when he planned his funeral last summer iyswim) like 2016 is cancelled for him.

daisychain01 Thu 31-Dec-15 12:15:05

Please try if you ycan just to take things day by day, minute by minute.

My DBro has been struggling for 14 months with a brain tumour. We are nearing the 18 month window of hope that people with his condition tend to have. I will be seeing him in 3 weeks but telling myself it's not good to think in terms of whether it's the last time. And today is his birthday. . Everything could be the last. But I'm having to do that difficult minute by minute thing. Not easy is it...

So very hard, but none of us can predict the future x flowers perhaps if just for him, make it a positive 2016?

WorraLiberty Thu 31-Dec-15 12:19:58

I was in a similar situation the week before Christmas.

My DS(16) has a friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer (although the recovery rate is quite promising).

Anyway, I bumped into him and his Mum in the street. We had a quick chat, they mentioned they were on their way to get his braces removed, as he wasn't allowed them during chemo and as I walked away, I ended up blurting out "Happy Christmas".

I felt a right tit but my DS said that it was absolutely the right thing to say (to this particular friend).

If I had thought about it, I would have felt rude not wishing them a happy Christmas though, so it's all a bit strange.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Thu 31-Dec-15 12:28:11

Still pop over to visit, maybe just say that you'll be thinking of them?

whatisforteamum Thu 31-Dec-15 12:33:30

Daisychain im so sorry about your dbro flowers.i guess it would be odd not to wish them well as they ve had longer than most with both their illnesses.Its hard enough people avoiding them without me not including them in the spirit of things.Dad being driven around while his new car sits on the drive.
I think i will dress up as usual and pop in all positive with small talk and good wishes smile

Becca19962014 Thu 31-Dec-15 13:17:30

Part of my post seems to have got lost confused sorry it my reply read a bit bluntly it wasn't meant to!

The rest was saying how I understand and it's always best to take your lead from other people. When a family member was in the final stages of brain cancer (they died just after new year) I rang the samaritans in a state - because of the number of people who had wished me happy new year (yes I know it sounds ridiculous but I really wasn't coping with their diagnosis or keeping my family going at the time), at the end of the call the Samaritan did exactly the same thing and promptly put the phone down - looking back it was probably because it was an automatic reaction but at the time it was really upsetting and I felt they hadn't listened to me.

On the other hand my sister wasn't bothered in the slightest when oeople said it to her.

Hence my reply about taking your lead from them.

daisychain01 Thu 31-Dec-15 13:48:22

I think i will dress up as usual and pop in all positive with small talk and good wishes

Absolutely! Do the small talk, it is very helpful (I've had to do that with DBro for many months.. It helps to keep things light, uncomplicated but our hearts may break inside, we just can show it. You sound strong and very caring. flowers

Thx for your kindness re DBro, very hard living far apart, as he is in US.

Helenluvsrob Thu 31-Dec-15 14:15:50

Absolutely be positive . " onwards and upwards" is my motto as we can't turn back time.

Facing a death is horrible but actually you /your family are still not powerless- you have many ways to make it good for your mum and dad. I was in a similar situation myself 31/12/15 ( mum clearly was terminally ill but her medics didn't really admit t for another few weeks).

Live every day and hour, help dad do things he enjoys (and hang all the restrictions that might have been made before- eat cake, drink fine whisky, heck even smoke!) and support your mum in this. When I'm doing this sort of care at work I often say (if brutal honesty and a little gallows humour isn't going to offend) " well.... if you wanted to skydive or anything else normally considered unwise now would be the time to do it, after all it's hardly going to shorten your life expectancy, and just think how they would talk at your funeral !"

I have a good friend who's dad has just gone on a driver ( malignancy) and I shall just tell her i'm thinking of her and I hope the new year can be as good as it possibly can be under the circumstances and let me know what I can do any time.

ScarlettDarling Thu 31-Dec-15 15:12:29

Go and see them and give them huge hugs and tell them how much you love them.

We knew last New Year that my dad wouldn't be here this new year, and he's not, he died in November. So I know exactly how you feel. But what got us through the last few months was the little things: countering on about the kids, the weather, the news. Trying to stay normal. My dad still out on the lottery the weekend before he died!

I know how hard this is, big hugs.

Strangertides1 Thu 31-Dec-15 15:18:24

Big hugs op. We are facing it with my
Mum, ovarian terminal cancer, we are expecting our third and final child in March, the only baby girl grand child our mum will ever see (siblings have chosen not to have children, all older then me). Just hoping she stays strong even to meet her. Facing such a turbulent year ahead. X

whatisforteamum Fri 01-Jan-16 00:27:15

just got in from work thanks for all the messges and suggestions.smile.i had managed to get the accepting it all and christmas was lovely when the whole nw yr thing hit me.i rang Mum who sounded down and talked of taking the decs down.She is a very strong woman however we seem to be edging closer to the inevitable which weve been strong about for yrs,
I am doing what i always do tommorrow,Best clothes and positivity so at least Dad can see we can keep on keeping on,i will remember my luck still having him here now and not think too far ahead,My heart goes out to you all may 2016 go kindly on us all.

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