Aibu to think my in laws a selfish

[Tamponlady]

Just when I think my inlaws can't go any lower they go and show just how selfish they are


Background -my bil is living in London 28 and never worked he has a first class degree in art however he's not coping living in in laws flat in London they live in irland and also being giving money to live off by them he is hording, not eating he looks anorexic tbh often smells (he is lovey though )

He disspaers often won't engage with any one and often sleeps rough even though he can stay at the London flat

We have supested for a long time he has mental health issues
2 months ago he disspaerd he went to my sil she wasn't in so hoped on a train and went to stay in a homeless hostel in corwell
While I rang round every homeless hostel in Cornwall oh hot footed it down to corwell to fetch him similar things have happened and sil dosent give a shit so it's always us who is left to get him

Any way my darling bil spent Christmas with my inlaws at there daughters house on Christmas Day he grabbed the carving knife locked himself in the bathroom and threatened to kill himself

My oh has told his parents they need to go to the flat to take a look at the state of it, pack a bag take him back to irland sell the flat and stop giving him feels they are enabling him and simply paying him off instead of caring for him

Any who the up shot was they they said they are off on holiday so can't take him back after a 2 hour phone row they agreed however oh finds out they plan to take him to irland drop him off and go on holiday ffs

Mil is also insisting as there is no mental health issue in her family he can't be that I'll and needs to catch himself on

They are so fucking selfish

My dear bil told us on Christmas Eve he's been having dark thoughts for months

We would have him here but because he has the flat and the cash monthly provided by the inlaws 2k a month no less he runs away we live to close

[JVIRstadler]

Sounds to me like he is just really down in the dumps. Quite often a simple way to life-en up someones life is to simply give them something to work for.

Obviously a job is the best thing for that, but it seems to me like he needs a project, something to work on in his free time to try and build his art skills up in.

I am actually similar to your friend in that I cannot stand people, in that I get sick of them after spending too much time with them, but I also inspire to be a programmer one day and I actually make my own computer games in my own time ( albeit terrible ones ).

By the way, you need to work on your grammar, this question was hard to read.

[OliviaMumsnet]

Sorry to hear about this OP, do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to relationships, won't you?

[Leelu6]

Agree that your PIL seem quite unconcerned by your BIL's plight but maybe your PIL think he will run away from their home in Ireland as well? Maybe they have tried to get him help?

Who is your bil closest to? Could they talk him into getting some counselling or other help?


(I'm guessing MN offer to move thread to Rels is due to the poster who asked if she was BU for shouting at her 90 year old granny and then asked for the post to be deleted).

[CFSsucks]

Did you read the post JVIR, 1) this is her BIL, not her friend, 2) it sounds like a hell of a lot more than down in the dumps and 3) how fucking rude of you to tell someone to work on their grammar! Work on your manners why don't you.

OP, it does as if things are getting quite bad for him. Your ILs are being given ridiculous. Would your BIL seek help himself if you pointed him in the exact direction he needed to go? The fact he has confessed to having dark thoughts may mean he's reaching out for someone to help him.

[aprilanne]

tamponlady it took my inlaws over 20 year to accept that my hubby is ill .some folk dont want to recogonise or talk about mental illness .yes they seem selfish but they are refusing to accept there son is ill and nothing you say will make them accept it they have to that in there own time .

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

I understood you perfectly op. He sounds very unwell. What medical help is he getting?

Frankly I'd stop worrying about the flat and allowance and focus on getting him some medical help. Having a home and income is good because it will provide some stability. Without that he'd be in a worse state.

If he's trying to or threatening to kill himself he may need to be sectioned or spend a period as an inpatient as a psych ward on a voluntary basis.

He's well placed to get that help in London but much less so in Ireland. He's also an adult so needs to be treated as one and can't just be returned to his parents for care.

[RoseWithoutAThorn]

By the way, you need to work on your grammar, this question was hard to read

What a completely unnecessary comment to make and very unhelpful!

OP it does sound as of your BIL has mental health issues. Unfortunately your PIL live some distance away and I'm wondering what age they are? I know my MIL refuses to accept that depression exists and people should just "pull themselves together" Could your DH take BIL to his GP?

[Leelu6]

I wouldn't comment on a poster's grammar / spelling but I don't think JVIR was trying to be rude, it was more of a 'by the way' comment.

[biggles50]

Sounds as if he's really suffering. He may have bipolar or schizophrenia. Poor guy. Please get him help asap. Ring your gp or health visitor to get advice.

[CastaDiva]

Your ILs sound blinkered about the extent of his problems - and as an Irish person, certainly for my parents' generation there remains a big stigma to mental illness - but he is an adult, and one who lives in another country to them. If they withdraw their financial support and place to live, and/or force him to remove to Ireland, will it really improve matters for him? Other than, obviously, remove the responsibility from you, which is an understandable consideration from your pov.

[Crabbitface]

He doesn't sound like he is just really down in the dumps. He sounds incredibly, life-threateningly ill. Has he had any kind of medical/psychiatric diagnosis? It's incredibly difficult to get help for someone who doesn't recognise the need for it. His parents sounds like they aren't going to step up here and it is going to fall on you and your husband - and that's a huge ask and a huge responsibility but you will need to step up and try your best to get him help. I understand that it is drastic, but if another event happens like the knife in the bathroom one - it might be in his best interest to have him sectioned, and therefore get him the help he desperately requires.

He's lucky to have someone close by who cares. You sound lovely.

[Becles]

Best place to start is to contact his GP to raise your concerns. They will keep the information you provide confidentially and if there is a pattern of concerning behaviour or previous engagement with mental health services which can be reopened can refer or escalate support as needed.

I do think the OP is being a little U. Why should the parents take the lead on managing the bil's support when they live in a different country AND the bil has at least two other adult siblings, one of whom we know for sure lives in the same country? It may be better all round for the family to have a Skype group chat or what have you to explore and agree possible steps rather than the parents being informed that they should pack bil's things and move him into their house.

I do agree with the previous poster who stated that it was quite difficult to understand the OP and I had to reread paragraphs and the entire post more than once. It's worth pointing out so that the op is mindful that clarity is important when possibly communicating with different agencies about the bil.

[ColdMeatPlatter]

I have very little experience of.mental health issues sorry, but I do know the care he receives on London will.be a milion times better than that in Ireland. I would.be trying to get him to stay where he is tbh and convince him to seek help. Sorry he is going through this xx

[Crabbitface]

I don't think that pulling the OP up on her writing style is very helpful, and neither will it encourage her to seek appropriate help if she is told she has to be grammatically perfect to engage with mental health services Becles. She lives in London- mental health services there (and in most major cities) are well equipped to communicate with people regardless of their literacy levels/ language spoken. She will not be required to submit a thesis.

[Tamponlady]

Thanks guys

Bil has now gotten to gp and is taking anti depressants and inlaws have hired a cleaner for the flat we will check on him but he has been told by dh if he starts sleeping rough he will personally drive him to a and e and have him sectioned

But we're hoping the pills put him in a better place

Oh sent us a frigging postcard there having a lovey time away

[yorkshapudding]

You do realise your DH can't just "have him sectioned" on his say so?
I can understand you both being extremely concerned about him 'sleeping rough' given his vulnerability and the stress it puts you all under but threatening to have him locked up (especially when you have no authority to do so) is just going to discourage him from reaching out to you if he does find himself in trouble.

[Gruntfuttock]

Exactly yorksha. Kindness and support has more chance of helping him than threats, especially empty threats.

As for "Mil is also insisting as there is no mental health issue in her family he can't be that I'll and needs to catch himself on", MIL is extremely stupid and ignorant.