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AIBU?

to Mary in secret then in public

79 replies

secretsecrets · 29/12/2015 18:46

OK please bear with me.

Been with my partner for over 11 years we have 2 children together and a property together that we all live in as our family home.

I'm a sahm. My partner works. We haven't been married before due to saving for a house then having children. Reason is we have always wanted a marriage and a wedding...the wedding we will be a bit and we would have to save for it ourselves. Thing is now we want the legal protection a marriage gives...but can't afford a wedding yet...in fact haven't even started saving yet...we're talking years.

We're thinking of getting married and telling absolutely no one...then in many years to come when we can afford it do the whole engaged married wedding hen do thing then with no one knowing we are already married so this will be the wedding as far as people know....can that even be done...married twice as we wouldn't want anyone to know we was already married?

Reason no one can know is because there would be an uproar from both sides of our families not coming to the registry office if they found out we was married but we would like to be married now for legal reasons but would like the experience of a marriage and a wedding in the future when we can afford it with everyone the way we would do it now if we had lots of money. We don't want the registry office wedding be the experience with friends and family..but want them to experience it with us the way we dreamed but can't yet afford.

Aibu to do it at a registry to cover legal reasons and then do it again many years down the line and have the wedding we both want when we have saved for it.

Please don't tear me apart I'm trying to figure this all out in my head as I go.

Reason we won't go solicitors and get all the cover without marrying is because it will cost a he'll of a lot more..money we don't have yet.

OP posts:

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Postitblue · 29/12/2015 18:48

Do it - then have a blessing / renew your vows when you have the £ x

ilovesooty · 29/12/2015 18:48

I wouldn't have thought you could do this. Can't you have a civil ceremony and a blessing later?

Rinoachicken · 29/12/2015 18:49

You can't marry twice. But you can marry in secret and then renew your vows in public

ilovesooty · 29/12/2015 18:50

Cross post. Sorry is that what you meant rather than actually getting married tw ice?

Goingtobeawesome · 29/12/2015 18:50

You can't get married and then get married again! Get married, keep it small but still invite who you want. Be firm. Or do it secretly then have a blessing but be prepared for people to be underwhelmed or cross.

froggyjump · 29/12/2015 18:52

I see nothing at all wrong with a secret legal marriage ceremony now, it will give you the protection you want and the commitment to one another.

I don't really get why you would want another ceremony down the line - just have a big blow out party?

toofarfromcivilisation · 29/12/2015 18:52

We didn't tell anyone except two friends who we took as witnesses. We sent everyone a text from the restaurant afterwards. Nobody minded. Well, except everyone else in the restaurant when people started to text back! We had to explain via the head waiter.

January87 · 29/12/2015 18:52

You can marry in secret and then have a 'ceremony' it won't be another legal marriage though... you can get a spiritualist or humanist etc to perform the ceremony however you want and can word it so that it seems like it's your first time getting married if you want. Just tell people you signed the register in private.

Andrewofgg · 29/12/2015 18:53

A cousin of DW got married quietly in the USA and very few of us knew about it when they had the big religious and social bash here a few months later. I noticed that they did not sign the register but then I'm just nosy . . .

Their legal and real marriage is of courses the earlier one.

MinistryofRevenge · 29/12/2015 18:55

I nearly did something similar when I first got married, over 30 years ago. We got married in church, but because it wasn't a CoE church, we were told we'd either have to do the legal bit first before the registrar or have the registrar in attendance in the church. We did the latter, but the vows we said would have been exactly the same if we'd done the legal bit a couple of days earlier. If you're planning to get married in a CoE church, you'd maybe want to clear it with your vicar first, but the nice thing about getting the legal bits out of the way first is that it leaves you free to say whatever vows you want. I think it's a really good idea.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 29/12/2015 18:56

Friends had a parents only registry office wedding to cover the legal part followed by a humanist ceremony with all the fuss usually seen at a wedding.

So, only one actual wedding but two ceremonies.

99percentchocolate · 29/12/2015 18:57

You can marry in secret and then have a blessing later but the celebrant CANNOT mislead the guests into thinking it is a legal ceremony when it is not. This is very serious and could lead to legal troubles for the celebrant later on. If a celebrant offers to do this for you then run the other way - they aren't properly trained and qualified.
(Source: I'm a trained and qualified civil celebrant)

Arfarfanarf · 29/12/2015 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

99percentchocolate · 29/12/2015 19:00

The closest you can really get with regards to wording is to state that the bride and groom had their legal ceremony previously and be vague about the actual date this took place.

magpie17 · 29/12/2015 19:01

You can certainly do it but don't pretend to people that the big 'do' is your actual wedding. The truth will come out somehow down the line (if not at the time) and your families may feel short-changed at not only having missed your actual wedding but having been lied to as well.

Why lie about it? Just get married quietly now and have a party later on, no need for a fake ceremony which would cost you more anyway!

Iggi999 · 29/12/2015 19:04

No way will you want to sacrifice holidays, save for years all to have a ceremony for something that has already happened.

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2015 19:04

We have friends who got legally married at a registry office on the Thursday, got married on top of a mountain (humanist wedding) Friday. No one except 2 witnesses at either service - we all came to the reception on the Saturday. The only problem I can see is close friends/family being upset that they didn't know you were married when they eventually find out.

peppielillyan · 29/12/2015 19:10

how can you marry in secret after u will need 2 witnesses?

rosewithoutthorns · 29/12/2015 19:12

Yes do it privately then have a party for all. Far cheaper and less stress.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 29/12/2015 19:14

You can't get married twice. Well not unless you are divorcing inbetween.

Either you want to be married so invite people now or if you want the whole big wedding then wait. Tricking people so you can be bridezilla is horrible.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 29/12/2015 19:15

Could you perhaps reconsider what you want from the wedding? You could do registry office with a great house party. No one to bring gifts, everyone brings a bottle and some buffet food. Could be an amazing amount of fun.

Then if in 10 years you have a windfall, you could throw a slap up anniversary party for friends and family.

Personally I could never spend £20000 on one day. DH and I went round the world in luxury for a month and it cost a quarter of that, with a wedding on a beach thrown in. I completely appreciate that's not how everyone would do things.

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2015 19:15

My great grandparents got married twice, without a divorce ( could divorce unless through parliament back then) but you shouldn't and I wouldn't advise it.

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ZenNudist · 29/12/2015 19:15

I don't think it's a good idea, especially not lying to people.

Just get married as best you can on your budget then have a renewal of vows later.

Some of the best weddings ivd been to were budget weddings. You don't have to spend lots to have a memorable day.

Agree it's good to get married now though.

I once went to an overseas wedding. Lots of people there from where I live. When it turned out that b&g had got married in our local registry office (to do the legal part) before they flew out, lots of people were . It was not well received but by then they'd got all the gifts

fidel1ne · 29/12/2015 19:24

I was expecting 'to Mary' to mean something funny, like T-Rexing. I'm all disappointed now

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 29/12/2015 19:25

Can you not find employment? As you currently don't have a second imcome it could be saved and not missed? That way you could afford to get married very quickly. A church and hall doesn't cost that much.

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