to Mary in secret then in public

(80 Posts)
secretsecrets Tue 29-Dec-15 18:46:32

OK please bear with me.

Been with my partner for over 11 years we have 2 children together and a property together that we all live in as our family home.

I'm a sahm. My partner works. We haven't been married before due to saving for a house then having children. Reason is we have always wanted a marriage and a wedding...the wedding we will be a bit and we would have to save for it ourselves. Thing is now we want the legal protection a marriage gives...but can't afford a wedding yet...in fact haven't even started saving yet...we're talking years.

We're thinking of getting married and telling absolutely no one...then in many years to come when we can afford it do the whole engaged married wedding hen do thing then with no one knowing we are already married so this will be the wedding as far as people know....can that even be done...married twice as we wouldn't want anyone to know we was already married?

Reason no one can know is because there would be an uproar from both sides of our families not coming to the registry office if they found out we was married but we would like to be married now for legal reasons but would like the experience of a marriage and a wedding in the future when we can afford it with everyone the way we would do it now if we had lots of money. We don't want the registry office wedding be the experience with friends and family..but want them to experience it with us the way we dreamed but can't yet afford.

Aibu to do it at a registry to cover legal reasons and then do it again many years down the line and have the wedding we both want when we have saved for it.

Please don't tear me apart I'm trying to figure this all out in my head as I go.

Reason we won't go solicitors and get all the cover without marrying is because it will cost a he'll of a lot more..money we don't have yet.

Postitblue Tue 29-Dec-15 18:48:29

Do it - then have a blessing / renew your vows when you have the £ x

ilovesooty Tue 29-Dec-15 18:48:47

I wouldn't have thought you could do this. Can't you have a civil ceremony and a blessing later?

Rinoachicken Tue 29-Dec-15 18:49:01

You can't marry twice. But you can marry in secret and then renew your vows in public

ilovesooty Tue 29-Dec-15 18:50:02

Cross post. Sorry is that what you meant rather than actually getting married tw ice?

Goingtobeawesome Tue 29-Dec-15 18:50:24

You can't get married and then get married again! Get married, keep it small but still invite who you want. Be firm. Or do it secretly then have a blessing but be prepared for people to be underwhelmed or cross.

froggyjump Tue 29-Dec-15 18:52:05

I see nothing at all wrong with a secret legal marriage ceremony now, it will give you the protection you want and the commitment to one another.

I don't really get why you would want another ceremony down the line - just have a big blow out party?

January87 Tue 29-Dec-15 18:52:07

You can marry in secret and then have a 'ceremony' it won't be another legal marriage though... you can get a spiritualist or humanist etc to perform the ceremony however you want and can word it so that it seems like it's your first time getting married if you want. Just tell people you signed the register in private.

toofarfromcivilisation Tue 29-Dec-15 18:52:07

We didn't tell anyone except two friends who we took as witnesses. We sent everyone a text from the restaurant afterwards. Nobody minded. Well, except everyone else in the restaurant when people started to text back! We had to explain via the head waiter.

Andrewofgg Tue 29-Dec-15 18:53:05

A cousin of DW got married quietly in the USA and very few of us knew about it when they had the big religious and social bash here a few months later. I noticed that they did not sign the register but then I'm just nosy . . .

Their legal and real marriage is of courses the earlier one.

MinistryofRevenge Tue 29-Dec-15 18:55:37

I nearly did something similar when I first got married, over 30 years ago. We got married in church, but because it wasn't a CoE church, we were told we'd either have to do the legal bit first before the registrar or have the registrar in attendance in the church. We did the latter, but the vows we said would have been exactly the same if we'd done the legal bit a couple of days earlier. If you're planning to get married in a CoE church, you'd maybe want to clear it with your vicar first, but the nice thing about getting the legal bits out of the way first is that it leaves you free to say whatever vows you want. I think it's a really good idea.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Tue 29-Dec-15 18:56:46

Friends had a parents only registry office wedding to cover the legal part followed by a humanist ceremony with all the fuss usually seen at a wedding.

So, only one actual wedding but two ceremonies.

99percentchocolate Tue 29-Dec-15 18:57:13

You can marry in secret and then have a blessing later but the celebrant CANNOT mislead the guests into thinking it is a legal ceremony when it is not. This is very serious and could lead to legal troubles for the celebrant later on. If a celebrant offers to do this for you then run the other way - they aren't properly trained and qualified.
(Source: I'm a trained and qualified civil celebrant)

Arfarfanarf Tue 29-Dec-15 18:58:23

yes you can and it sounds like it would solve the problems as you see them.

I mean, you can't enter into the contract of marriage twice unless you divorce and do it again grin but you certainly can get the legal side of it done at the registry office and then save up for the huge party.

I am not sure how you would spin the differences re vows though, I would imagine wedding vows and blessing words are different. So when it comes to it, people would probably knew it wasn't a wedding, I think.

99percentchocolate Tue 29-Dec-15 19:00:34

The closest you can really get with regards to wording is to state that the bride and groom had their legal ceremony previously and be vague about the actual date this took place.

magpie17 Tue 29-Dec-15 19:01:59

You can certainly do it but don't pretend to people that the big 'do' is your actual wedding. The truth will come out somehow down the line (if not at the time) and your families may feel short-changed at not only having missed your actual wedding but having been lied to as well.

Why lie about it? Just get married quietly now and have a party later on, no need for a fake ceremony which would cost you more anyway!

Iggi999 Tue 29-Dec-15 19:04:19

No way will you want to sacrifice holidays, save for years all to have a ceremony for something that has already happened.

BarbarianMum Tue 29-Dec-15 19:04:53

We have friends who got legally married at a registry office on the Thursday, got married on top of a mountain (humanist wedding) Friday. No one except 2 witnesses at either service - we all came to the reception on the Saturday. The only problem I can see is close friends/family being upset that they didn't know you were married when they eventually find out.

peppielillyan Tue 29-Dec-15 19:10:41

how can you marry in secret after u will need 2 witnesses?

rosewithoutthorns Tue 29-Dec-15 19:12:32

Yes do it privately then have a party for all. Far cheaper and less stress.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Tue 29-Dec-15 19:14:44

You can't get married twice. Well not unless you are divorcing inbetween.

Either you want to be married so invite people now or if you want the whole big wedding then wait. Tricking people so you can be bridezilla is horrible.

PiccalilliSandwiches Tue 29-Dec-15 19:15:24

Could you perhaps reconsider what you want from the wedding? You could do registry office with a great house party. No one to bring gifts, everyone brings a bottle and some buffet food. Could be an amazing amount of fun.

Then if in 10 years you have a windfall, you could throw a slap up anniversary party for friends and family.

Personally I could never spend £20000 on one day. DH and I went round the world in luxury for a month and it cost a quarter of that, with a wedding on a beach thrown in. I completely appreciate that's not how everyone would do things.

ivykaty44 Tue 29-Dec-15 19:15:36

My great grandparents got married twice, without a divorce ( could divorce unless through parliament back then) but you shouldn't and I wouldn't advise it.

ZenNudist Tue 29-Dec-15 19:15:59

I don't think it's a good idea, especially not lying to people.

Just get married as best you can on your budget then have a renewal of vows later.

Some of the best weddings ivd been to were budget weddings. You don't have to spend lots to have a memorable day.

Agree it's good to get married now though.

I once went to an overseas wedding. Lots of people there from where I live. When it turned out that b&g had got married in our local registry office (to do the legal part) before they flew out, lots of people were shock. It was not well received but by then they'd got all the gifts wink

fidel1ne Tue 29-Dec-15 19:24:28

I was expecting 'to Mary' to mean something funny, like T-Rexing. I'm all disappointed now sad

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