Sort of NC parent and pregnancy

(10 Posts)
MrsMum2011 Mon 28-Dec-15 18:08:39

Maybe this isn't the right board bit don't want to clog chat anymore and feel a more straight answer may be gleaned from here

My DF by his choice has gone NC with us, he told us he was too busy to see us over the Christmas period (rubbish he expected us to go to him as always please see other thread recently on chat for more context).

No card nothing for DC over the Christmas given despite seeing family whom he could have passed this onto.

This family he did see he once again played the woe is mw pity card because of course we are in the wrong despite leaving the door open for him to tell us when best to visit, and has what appears bad mouthed to them about us and deleted us on fb (important in their world))

Here's the problem in pregnant, if this pregnancy continues and is successful (I don't know how to word that better so sorry if insensitive) then do we tell him?
If so how? We have family weddings up coming and always a family get together in the summer which I wont be missing just because he is acting like this.
I don't want him to hear via the grapevine of the family nor a surprise bump meeting.
His birthday is very soon I could give a relative a card to give to them to sign of bump maybe?

AIBU in how I'm approaching this? Is there a batter way? I don't want DC to ever think we have stopped the contact there should always be an open door for them as they aren't evil but they don't care they barely see him!

Sorry for long winded ranty message, hopefully you may be able to help me see straight smile

GabiSolis Mon 28-Dec-15 19:10:20

Sorry if I've misunderstood this but your dad has not been able/willing to see you over Christmas and this means he has gone NC? Have you missed a lot of info out?

turningvioletviolet Mon 28-Dec-15 19:16:04

I mean xmas was only 3 days ago. Are you sure you/he are NC (a phrase bandied around a lot on here). When is your baby due?

Chiggers Mon 28-Dec-15 19:39:04

I would forget about FB for the meantime and only update your status with boring crap. Your pregnancy is between yourself and your DH (and your other DC if you have any). It's no-one else's business but yours. If people ask, you are allowed to change the topic by asking them how they are, etc, etc. Your dad has gone NC, so he doesn't see you as important enough to keep in contact. I would leave him to it and get on with your life.

As for the upcoming weddings, I would just go and say nothing about your pregnancy to anyone. If he really wanted to know about your life and you, he has to make the effort. WRT to the possible gossip about your lack of contact, just tell them the truth.............that he has gone NC with you, that the door always has and always will be open for him and that he said he was too busy to see you over Christmas.

The thing is, you can't control how someone acts toward you, but you can control how you react to them. Your life will carry on regardless of whether someone chooses to be in it or not. Look at the positive side of things, NC with a relative who puts other non-relatives before you, is a relative that may be better off out of your life during your PG.

You've your life to get on with and a pregnancy to take care of, so go do that and hopefully you'll have a little bundle of joy at the end of it. I really hope your LO makes the 9 months and arrives safe and well smile

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 28-Dec-15 19:40:29

"I don't want DC to ever think we have stopped the contact there should always be an open door for them as they aren't evil but they don't care they barely see him!"

Who is the 'they' that aren't evil? confused

Presumably it's your children who don't care if they see your father? Have you ever considered that that's OK? Children can be very astute, and can filter out the people who don't care; and they can do so without feeling hurt.

Sometimes, rather than facilitate contact, you just have to protect children from arsey adults. <<hugs>>

MrsMum2011 Mon 28-Dec-15 20:05:59

Before I thoroughly read through the answers just one point that was picked, yes I have missed out details as didn't want to repeat it thread in case that's annoying but will try to summarise best note what's happened if that's helpful.
My Df and I had an exchange of texts just before Christmas regarding visiting I sent a general text about Christmas day of which he said he couldn't make it, as he is too busy with his wife's children and seeing her parents and their parents...jt was a sarcastic text, got DH to read it to get his opinion and he thought so too. So told him ok you are too busy to see him let us know when you free. (no response)
Background to this: He has always expected us to visit him, which would be fine except we don't drive and they do, after DC was born it was a bit of a mad birth and was bf, still expected to walk over and see him, the time did visit I was struggling to get DC to latch after just getting in from the hospital he walks in and says well this is awkward, no 'hi how are you/ congratulations". Every time he visits there is another motive behind his visit.
One last point on DS birthday I sent another general text for people to visit and had a sarcastic response to that too (I pressune because it was formally written to avoid any confusion).
Family went to see him, who live in closer and are a lot older on Christmas eve to hand over our present and card to them, I presume they were told his side of the story that night, boxing day he had deleted me on fb and I fou d out about the gossiping.

I completely realise this is childish, it so is, but that's my dad I really now experiencing this level of madness can understand my mums reasons for an affair with another guy leaving.

If I think of anything I have left out when reading over I will post but think that's it. Please say if I need to be clearer smile

MrsMum2011 Mon 28-Dec-15 20:08:56

Very sure, the last time he deleted family members of fb was over something as petty as this, wouldn't come and see family as we were in the same house (this was told by hosts as they were trying to get us to sort this stupidness out) and no response ro any message sent since.
Baby is very early days about 5weeks yet to get a confirmed date but this is on my mind of course
Just found

MrsMum2011 Mon 28-Dec-15 20:14:00

Thank you chitters smile don't worry I'm not someone that posts regularly on fb nothing is on there really about DC personally I don't like anything of them being put on there. Thank you for help and well wishes smile

I'm sorry for the confusion the 'they' is DF and his wife, and dc is very young so doesn't even recognise him he sees DF so infrequently sad

Chiggers Mon 28-Dec-15 20:16:33

It's possible his negative feelings from your mum having an affair, could be manifesting themselves and coming out against you. Many people lash out at loved ones because they feel more secure doing so and may also feel that their loved ones are less likely to tell them to get lost.

That's no excuse for the gossiping about you though. It may be best to keep a dignified silence. That way, your dad will eventually show his true colours and others will see him for the person he really is.

That said, if I was in your shoes, I'd be telling him nothing about the pregnancy.

MrsMum2011 Mon 28-Dec-15 20:23:09

Thank you, and yes its very hard not to be Influenced by mothers opinions or to make it as though she has the higher ground, which she doesn't we had very very rough patch a few years ago but have come through, but that's because of DC and you can see her intense love for him and how she is trying to make it up (which she doesn't have to do, though very appreciated)
Thank you for your gentle advice Chiggers smile

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