To think he is sneaky

[Leafitout]

Long background but will give the facts. Ds father is only allowed through the courts to have indirect contact only with him. Once a month email contact. I have just seen that ds father has added ds into an Internet group without my knowledge or permission. I'm a bit miffed that ds hasn't mentioned it to me! As sometimes he comes and shows me emails. I found out by chance when using his iPad to look at something. I'm not amused that ds father has done this. As what other sneaky things is he doing to get round the indirect monthly contact! I teach ds about Internet safety and to only have his family and school friends as contacts to keep himself safe.

[January87]

How old is your DS? You should be monitoring his internet access, not just intermitently but all the time.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

The age really is all important.

[catfordbetty]

Do the father's actions break the terms of the court order? If so, report him.

[FattySantaRobin]

Was going to ask how old DS is too.

[Leafitout]

Ds is 12. I do monitor his internet access. He's not old enough to be entered into online forums or chat groups and his father should know that. It's making me nervous that he just went ahead and did it.

[AnyFucker]

Report him

[Leafitout]

He has gone behind my back. I know he is his father but ffs I have gone out of my way to explain Internet safety to ds ( as is my job too) and he goes and does that not knowing that any fucking weirdo could be in one of these groups

[FlatOnTheHill]

Once a month email contact. Was he that bad OP?
I see your ds is 12. He is coming to an age whereby he is going to be more curious about his father. Probably want contact etc. i know you say this is agreed with the courts. What happens in a few years time when ds reaches 16?
Be careful how you handle it. You dont want this backfiring on you.
Of course i know nothing of your circumstances so very difficult to really say.

[Leafitout]

Ds father has ds email address for contact so why has he gone and done this?

[AnyFucker]

You need to ask why he did this ?

If the only contact he is allowed is monthly email, he must have been a fucking monster

I don't understand why you are at all surprised

[FlatOnTheHill]

Ok OP. Remember no matter how much you tell a 12 year old (nearly a teenager). They dont bloody listen.
The father is trying his luck and will continue to do so as your DS gets older.
Its a very hard one. The older the child gets the more they rebel and start do do what they want even if only 12. You need serious chat with DS.
Will DS has physical contact soon? Because at 15 when kids start going out i think thats when the trouble will start. They bloody lie sometimes as to where they are.

[Leafitout]

Yes he really was that bad and at times I feared for our safety. As did the police and women's aid. When you say backfiring on me, how do you mean? When ds reached 16 he will hopefully be able and strong enough to defend himself from the negative emotions of his father

[FlatOnTheHill]

I keep thinking he must have been a fucking monster too. Was he?

[FattySantaRobin]

I think what was meant by backfiring, is you don't want to push him towards this man. You need to have a very serious chat with DS. I know you've had words about internet safety, but he needs more than that. He needs to know, in an age appropriate way, why his dad is only allowed to email him monthly.

[FlatOnTheHill]

Backfiring prob wrong word to use.
Careful how you handle ds. Funny age 12.
Not his fault although you have told him in past. They never bloody listen.
Can you report the father

[MrsTerryPratchett]

When ds reached 16 he will hopefully be able and strong enough to defend himself from the negative emotions of his father No. A 16 year old is not emotionally mature enough to deal with a very abusive person in a powerful role. And, he might be contrary and lying to you (which is common in teens).

Are you going to report the contact?

[Leafitout]

Anyfucker you are superb with advice on hear. I suffer badly with anxiety and depression, ptsd so I don't always think things through rationally especially when it comes to dealing with him who scared the shit out of me. Please give it to me straight. I don't want to start an argument with ds about as pp have said I need to handle this carefully with him.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

Have you posted about this before? The father was trying to get himself invited to your son's party or something?

You need to contact a solicitor and/or the police. If you're who I remember, this is a breach of a court order.

I'd also have a serious chat with your son. Explain calmly that the restrictions against contact by his father are there for a good reason and that if he (your son) cannot abide by them you will have to remove his electronics (phone, iPad, etc) and/or only allow access when you are sitting right there to monitor. Remind him that relationships are built on trust and that you don't want to feel you can't trust him.

[FlatOnTheHill]

MrsTerry is right

[OurBlanche]

Report him. Should anything untoward happen that 'backfire' could include you being blamed for you not having prevented this contact.

If you let it sit then you will only focus on it more. Report it and let the courts deal with him. This is not your issue to fix and, if the current order is there for good reason, your DS needs its continued protection.

[IonaNE]

He obviously did this in order to increase contact. If he is only allowed to email once a month, but he and DS are members of the same online group, then the father can just post and his son can just reply to the post and vice versa.

[Leafitout]

I don't want to start removing devices or sit there with ds watching his every move. as its looks like I am punishing ds for his fathers stupid actions. He is irresponsible to enter ds into chat forums. It's an absolute no no. The police won't see it as an breach of order probably.

[Leafitout]

I see it as a very underhanded thing to do to put ds safety at potential risk via chat rooms.