To sit in silence instead of arguing in front of children

(18 Posts)
Guiltydilemma Mon 28-Dec-15 15:51:16

I was in the car this afternoon with my husband after visible his relatives and asked if he'd mind doing the kids tea tonight, he is at his friends this afternoon watching the football whilst I look after them 9,7 & 5 and I wanted some chill time amongst doing washing before leaving for work at 5.30pm and husband takes over childcare (I won't be back until 1.30am). Husband firstly snapped that he didn't know why I couldn't do it if I was in anyway and then upon explaining I'd like some down time before work he reluctantly agreed to do it, still obviously put out by it though. Pissed off at his reaction I just went quiet as I couldn't be bothered and didn't want to argue in front of the kids. Husband insisted on arguing that he is entitled to express his disatisfaction and I shouldn't be moody with him for it. I said I didn't think he should express disatisfaction at me asking him to do kids tea but said we're going to have to agree to disagree on this as we clearly aren't on the same page. At which point I'm silently getting more annoyed at him for arguing with me I front of the kids and making even more of a fuss about this and he starts commenting that it would b easier him doing the tea anyway rather than clearing up the mess I'd leave doing it. Through this I continue to ignore him to which he argues that he can't believe that I'ce caused a huge argument over him expressing his disappointment over making tea. To which I did say it's not me that's caused the argument and he asks the kids opinions on who was at fault. I whole heartedly disagree with getting kids involved in their parents arguments. Husband seems to think this is ok for some reason. In the end I dropped husband off at friends, he asked for a kiss and said sorry but I felt like the whole thing had escalated to a position whereby I would rather strangle than kiss him. As such I just told him to get out. Opinions please...

Bailey101 Mon 28-Dec-15 15:54:06

He was an arse, and you're right in saying that you shouldn't be arguing in front of the kids. He was seriously out of order trying to drag them into!!

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Mon 28-Dec-15 15:56:13

The kids would of picked up on the shit atmosphere of the silence as much as if you were arguing.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Mon 28-Dec-15 15:56:43

I think you were in the right though about the dinner

Guiltydilemma Mon 28-Dec-15 16:02:27

Majestic sea flap flap...which is the worst of the two evils, silence for a bit until or huge row which it ended up being!?!?

TheBunnyOfDoom Mon 28-Dec-15 16:06:03

But it only ended up in a massive row because you ignored him, surely?

There's nothing I find more infuriating than being ignored, sorry OP. Why did you not just ask him to leave it? confused

Artandco Mon 28-Dec-15 16:09:10

Surely he should be doing dinner as your gone by 5.30pm so presumably before dinner time anyway

Oldraver Mon 28-Dec-15 16:12:55

Sounds like he was spoiling for a fight and got even more arsey when that didnt happen. Trying to drag kids into was definetly not on, though Ido think ratehr than ignore you could of said "I dont want to discuss this in front of the children"

Imfinehowareyou Mon 28-Dec-15 16:18:08

I agree that you should have a chance for a rest before work and also agree that your husband should not have asked the children for their opinion, however:

Holding in your anger or disappointment for the sake of the kids isn't the best idea. “Unspoken tension can be more stressful than actual fighting,” says Dana Dorfman, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and family counselor in New York City. “Kids will fill in the blanks of what you're not talking about and will let their imaginations run wild.” It's best to address the issues now before the silent treatment sets in.

The rest of the article is also very good here.

Just to reiterate, you did deserve a break flowers

Guiltydilemma Mon 28-Dec-15 16:30:47

I did say can we agree to disagree!

Guiltydilemma Mon 28-Dec-15 16:34:00

I'm fine, I don't think silent treatment for the duration of a 30 min car journey is going to stress the kids out too much. I would put the radio on, still chat with them to ease silence and by the time we'd reached destination if it hadn't turned into a big row I'd probably have naturally got over him being an Arse about making tea!

howabout Mon 28-Dec-15 16:55:04

I wish my kids would decide not to argue in front of their parents fgrin

I think conflict is a normal part of close relationships and DC learn from seeing their parents disagree and sort things out.

Your DH should have made the tea for him and dc but I would expect a 9,7 and 5 year old to allow you switch off time even if you are home alone with them.

Guiltydilemma Mon 28-Dec-15 17:13:48

I only added kids ages to be fair to my husband (I'm that sort of wife!). They're not hard work, my main task was sorting washing out in the couple of hours I had before work.

I think the main issue in the relationship is that I guess I knew if we did discuss it, it would turn into a big row like it did!

Guiltydilemma Mon 28-Dec-15 17:15:44

How about if I'd done tea as well as washing I would have been none stop even though my kids aren't exhausting as such. Being left with them wasn't ever an issue.

confusedandemployed Mon 28-Dec-15 17:19:43

DP stonewalls me when I disagree with him and uses DD's presence to avoid having it out - which doesn't necessarily have to be WW3. It drives me insane and it achieves the square root of fuck all because DD knows full well something's up and she's only 2.

So it's a YABU from me I'm afraid.

TheBunnyOfDoom Mon 28-Dec-15 17:37:52

You could have just gone to work and told him the kids hadn't eaten when you left, though?

mrtwitsglasseye Mon 28-Dec-15 17:52:06

I think it's healthy for children to see parents argue as long as good conflict resolution is modelled.

G1veMeStrength Mon 28-Dec-15 17:56:57

He was being an arse. Getting the hump about fitting cooking into his day of visiting his own family and friends? Whilst your day includes laundry and work. Then trying to involve the DC in an argument?!

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