Is DHBU re hostility to a cleaner when I'm ill?

(76 Posts)
Eleanor04 Sun 27-Dec-15 12:55:55

Work full-time and have a couple of p-t jobs. All require preparation so many, many hours spent in the week working. OK (ish) up to now but now looks as though I have polymyalgia & possibly a stomach disorder. Raft of tests being carried out.

Am in pretty much constant pain & often the pain is really quite severe. Possibility of going onto steroids once stomach pains diagnosed.

In absolutely no position to give up my full-time, day job as DH's income fluctuates &, through no fault of his own, is very modest even when he manages to get full days' work. We don't spend much on ourselves at all. Support a DC at uni (who unfortunately doesn't have a job either at uni or when he's home in the holidays - been a constant battle to motivate him to work - long story) & other DCs finding their way after graduation but needing a helping hand. Have other pressing expenses - mortgages & historic debts.

But I work bloody hard and long and have been telling DH for a long time that we should consider a cleaner, if only once a week, as my aches and pains are making it hard to set to after a day's (and often evening as well) work. In an ideal world, DH & DCs when they're home (all boys - don't know if that makes a difference - it dam well shouldn't of course) would organize a rota amongst themselves or simply get down to it.

DH has been consistently negative about prospect of hiring a cleaner & to cap it all this morning, he stormed out of the room, saying 'Alright, we'll get a f..ing cleaner' - meaning, of course, not a word of it.

I'm hurt by his attitude & baffled (because they clearly love me) and saddened by the fact that the boys (DSs and DH) can't see what's going on and just get down to it.

DH - indeed DCs too - are BU - are they not?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 27-Dec-15 12:59:28

Why do you feel you need his approval?

SecretSpy Sun 27-Dec-15 13:02:17

I'd take him at face value and say great I'll arrange one

And do it.

But it does sound like he could probably find time to do it himself if he wanted to. Sounds like a lot on your plate at the moment, hope things improve soon

gleam Sun 27-Dec-15 13:02:50

TABU.
But perhaps it's hard for them to acknowledge you're as ill as you are?

In any case, I think DH should do more housework than you, as it seems like he's at home more often?

Hope you feel better soon. flowers

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 27-Dec-15 13:03:50

If your DH isn't working fulltime why doesn't he do the 'fucking cleaning'?

Annarose2014 Sun 27-Dec-15 13:04:51

Just book one. Less talk more action!

Branleuse Sun 27-Dec-15 13:06:51

if he doesnt want a fucking cleaner, he needs to do enough of the fucking cleaning that its not necessary to get a fucking cleaner

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 27-Dec-15 13:11:00

^ this

catfordbetty Sun 27-Dec-15 13:11:56

You make a cast-iron case for needing help with the housework. Why you should have to make a case at all is another matter, of course.

Zame Sun 27-Dec-15 13:12:19

Just hire one, you don't need his permission.
I'm very sorry your family are letting you down when you really need them. Is there anyone who does support you, a friend or another family member? Sounds like you need some looking after

PotteringAlong Sun 27-Dec-15 13:12:44

1) stop supporting your adult children. They don't need a helping hand, they need to man up. If you can work 3 jobs so can they if they need more money.

2) if your DH objects to a cleaner he needs to do the cleaning. If his job isn't bringing in enough cash he needs to work out a way of making more. If that means another / a different job then so be it.

WeThreeMythicalKings Sun 27-Dec-15 13:13:39

Take him at his word.

rollonthesummer Sun 27-Dec-15 13:15:28

if your DH objects to a cleaner he needs to do the cleaning

This

maresedotes Sun 27-Dec-15 13:17:28

Get a cleaner. You shouldn't need to justify why you need one. Your DH and DCs aren't going to help so just get one.

MatildaTheCat Sun 27-Dec-15 13:25:48

Sounds like you are used to placing yourself at the bottom of the priority list for a very long time.

Rewrite the list. Your DC are all adults so can only be helped after your other expenses such as help in the house. Your health is the single most precious asset you (anyone) Posseses. Stop acting like you don't matter and hire the cleaner.

If you act like you matter so will others.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Dec-15 13:26:40

You hiring a cleaner is throwing a spot light on his own lack of work within the house, he doesnt want anyone asking why you are working 3 jobs and so having to hire a cleaner when he isnt working full time hours (by the sound of it) and could do it himself.

Have you made it clear that there is a very simple way he could avoid getting a cleaner? It sounds to me like you havent actually said "If you and the kids pulled your weight, we wouldnt need a cleaner, so shape up or shut up"

And YY to not supporting your none working student DS, the reason he hasnt got a job is because he doesnt need to, he knows the bank of Mum will always pay out. Tell him that the handouts are stopping, which may mean you can give up one of your jobs (but dont spend that extra time cleaning!)

Bogeyface Sun 27-Dec-15 13:27:40

If you act like you matter so will others.

and if I can add to that, if you act like you dont matter, then so will others.

Kaytee1987 Sun 27-Dec-15 13:28:37

As pp have said you don't need his permission just organise one.

MontyYouTerribleCunt Sun 27-Dec-15 13:32:08

Rewrite the list. Your DC are all adults so can only be helped after your other expenses such as help in the house. Your health is the single most precious asset you (anyone) Posseses. Stop acting like you don't matter and hire the cleaner.

^^this.

MontyYouTerribleCunt Sun 27-Dec-15 13:32:36

Also you don't need your H's permission - just hire one.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 27-Dec-15 13:33:51

If money is tight enough for you to need to work 3 jobs whilst ill, paying out for a cleaner is not the answer.

The answer is for your DH, who is not reliably in full-time employment and presumably just the one job when he is working, to get his finger out & do the bloody cleaning himself!

And please do explain to your adult children that you are no longer able to support them financially. There's a difference between helping out when you can afford it and being replied upon.

Please be kind to yourself. A colleague of mine has had similar problems around her diagnosis with fibromyalgia - she thinks it's because she doesn't "look ill" people assume she must be over exaggerating it sad.

AliceInUnderpants Sun 27-Dec-15 13:33:55

I would be fucking mortified if my wife, or mother, was having to work three jobs whilst suffering chronic illness, just because I wanted to sit on my arse and have handouts.
You don't specify how many sons you have, but it sounds like you have a house full of cocklodgers.

CarlaJones Sun 27-Dec-15 13:35:31

If your dh very often isn't doing a full day's work then he can do the cleaning, or if he won't then a cleaner is needed. The one person who shouldn't be having to shoulder it is you as you work a full time and two part time jobs, plus you are in constant and often severe pain.

CuffsAndCollar Sun 27-Dec-15 13:36:05

Maybe let him know there's a part time job with flexible hours available in his own house.

Skullyton Sun 27-Dec-15 13:36:50

what everyone else says!

But i will add my mom has polymyalgia and was in A LOT of pain with it, she could barely walk. She's been doing great on the steroids, they've really helped her get back to some kind of normality, so i hope they can sort you out!

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