Going to midnight mass with friends?(16 Posts)
So every year that my husband and I do midnight mass with my family the women go to midnight mass. This year however I was the only one who wanted to go, I had already discussed midnight mass with my husband only to ge a stream of vitriol about how he didn't go to church, so why the hell would he want to go at Christmas
fair enough, no would have done it had reached a point on the Christmas Eve afternoon where family members had begrudgingly said they'd come with me if really wanted to go, because I am apparently not capable of going by myself at 26 but they clearly didn't want to go. I had some friends who were going to midnight mass anyway, so I asked if could go with them, thereby saving family members from going when they didn't want to. My family all seemed happy about this, it's a situation in which everyone wins.
However, my husband heard the results of this conversation:
his translation of the whole affair I'm not going to midnight mass with family I'm going out with friends on xmas eve and abandoning him and my family. He was and still is under the impression that I was entirely unreasonable to have gone with friends and should have dragged him along even though he didn't want to go because he'd have gone and fucking hated every second of it out of the kindness of his own heart.
AIBU to think that going was entirely reasonable?
It's all about him. Is he usually like that?
of course it was entirely reasonable. is he often unreasonable?
Sorry that first sentence should have read "So every year that my husband and I do christmas with my family the women go to midnight mass." when we do christmas with his family (every other year) there is no midnight mass, so I was pretty keen to go as I didn't go last year.
he and I have different views on going out and it's becoming more and more of an issue. He's of the impression that as a general rule a couple should go out together or not at all. we have very different interests and that's just not possible. Other than for work he doesn't go out without me so it's a big deal when I go out, which is I suppose once a fortnight, not helped by the fact that I work nights, so if I've gone to work on friday and saturday night, for me to go out on sunday invariably starts a fight about me being out 3 nights in a row. His most recent strategy is to say that it upsets our eldest daughter (3) when I'm not there night after night, but as a general rule when I go to work I don't leave until after she has gone to bed and I'm always back before she gets up.
Had he been drinking?
There's a lot of disgruntled people on here this weekend who have been on the booze too much over Christmas. Makes everyone unreasonable.
"He's of the impression that as a general rule a couple should go out together or not at all" - this is really concerning actually. And that bit about your daughter shows it is a control thing.
So, apart from going to work he doesn't think you should go anywhere without him. Is that right?
Sounds very controlling and claustrophobic to me.
Sounds like he's mostly trying to control you. He needs to get over himself.
We are still arguing about it, but it is about so much more than midnight mass >.> annoyingly I think it's going to get worse rather than better.
What do you think is the actual issue, OP? Is it his control or is that a symptom?
I wouldn't say he's controlling, we've just had very different upbringings, I come from a very independent family where you just let people know if you won't be home by morning and he comes from a family which is a lot more tight knit and there's a lot more checking up and checking in, the more each of us pushes our way the more the other pushes back, and to be honest I didn't used to push that hard, but since having our second child my need for the small moments I get where I'm not mum and wife has become a lot more important to me. Staying at home every night with me is enough for him, and that stiffles me, I was crawling out of my skin while I was breastfeeding our second because I could never go anywhere without her which means I pretty much didn't go out, but now she's on the bottle
mostly his others idea so she could take her over night and that's a whole other kettle of dramatic fish I have the physical ability to be away from home, I think it's been a shock to both of us just how much do I want that time away from home...
So he feels... rejected, lonely, angry?
And do you think you are wanting a break or wanting to break up?
This is very alarming to read, OP. And it does sound controlling - different upbringings, surely, would only involve recognising that other people do things differently? I think what constitutes a red flag for me is that the same attendance at an annual religious service is such a flashpoint for him, and that while he angrily refuses to go, you going with family is just about acceptable, but with friends suddenly makes it a frivolous and unnecessary social occasion, when you are supposed to want to be with him only 24/7?
What do you want?
It starts of with him feeling rejected, then if that doesn't guilt trip me into staying home it switches to misery and if that doesn't work he goes with being pissed off and throwing himself round like a giant man child. It used to upset and worry me, and I'd feel really guilty, but I've reached a point where it's a little ridiculous, and the further he gets through the process the harder it is for me to avoid laughing and telling him to grow up.
I want to be able to go out and live my life and not feel guilty about it. We have two children, and to be honest if we didn't I'd probably already be gone, but breaking up their family unit just because I want to be able to go out guilt free seems a bit extreme. Plus if I did the girls and I would have no where to go, the house is his and I'm in no financial position to be able to rent anywhere so I'd be reliant entirely on family or friends taking me and the girls in. I'd also lose his begrudging childcare during the week as with him working week days and me working weekends it would make the most sense for me to have the girls int he week and him have them at weekends if we split up, so I'd be in an even worse situation with no restbite and I'd have to leave the night job that I really enjoy to get something with more hours probably during the day at weekends. Perhaps I'm selfish, perhaps I want to have my cake and eat it...
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