To hate my sister

(112 Posts)
pandarific Sat 26-Dec-15 15:42:24

...right now. She's always been a nightmare, and a lot of my childhood was listening to her screaming for what she wanted/didn't want etc. My mother used to say 'she rules the roost' - ignoring the fact that she as the adult allowed it to continue. When my parents broke up I was left with my mother and her, and the screaming just continued and continued. I am visiting my home country for Christmas and can't just leave, feel shit and trapped.

Last year, she screamed through the whole Christmas break, constantly picking fights about nothing, just wanting attention and to defend this bizarre persecution complex she has - everyone is always horrible and terrible to her. She is an adult woman (29), but acts like a tantrumming child. When she's not tantrumming, she's babbling constantly, demanding your attention so you listen to whatever she wants to tell you, just monologues of crap - this guy she dated who was horrible to her, her struggles learning to drive - just on and on, regardless of whether you want to listen or not.

Due to not wanting to listen to a ten minute monologue (I said politely 'I'm just watching this film at the moment, why don't you tell us over dinner'), more screaming and shouting. Everyone else is always wrong, she is always right. There was more screaming earlier because I was lying down having a nap, she was packing in the same room - my mother says 'Isn't panda trying to have a cue in there?' - cue screaming, shouting for 10 minutes, how DARE she be accused of being selfish, rant rant rant.

I mentioned that in the next few years, I and my partner (he couldn't come visiting with me this year) will be hopefully having a baby - cue rant that she'd always wanted to live near me, and wah wah I'll need to move 'home'. I have had previous emotional manipulation from my mother who would love me to move back to home country, which I have nipped in the bud, but to get it from my sister is really galling. She is obsessed with keeping things 'the same' and has been talking about doing holiday things 'every year' - attempting to control everyone.

She is the most selfish person I have ever met and is possessive of me - when I call her on her appalling behaviour, she accuses my mother of poisoning me against her. It's her own foul behaviour that does that! Yesterday during (yet another) row, she told me when my parents are gone, it will be just her and me so I will HAVE to have a relationship with her and will NEED her. FFS.

Last year was a million times worse - I texted her before I came this year telling her that if she did the same again this year it'd ruin our relationship and she has been a bit better to be fair, but I'm just knackered being around a psycho. I confided to my mother that I am actually worried about having a child as my grandmother was so similar - could be really vicious, incredibly controlling and rigid - what if my child is like this? Being a massive shithead seems to run in my family sad sad

I am going on hol on the 31st (which in itself caused massive upheaval - 'WHAT? But it's CHRISTMAS' etc etc complete with criticism of my destination), am about to pour myself a massive gin and I've got my silicone earplugs in until I watch the bake off... I'm just knackered - I hate this shit.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sat 26-Dec-15 15:45:53

Can you go NC with her? Sounds very hatd work.

ArcticCactus Sat 26-Dec-15 15:48:23

She sounds like a nightmare.

Gin, earplugs and refusing to engage - sounds like you're dealing with it pretty well!

Oysterbabe Sat 26-Dec-15 15:49:10

TBH I'd have simply told her to get fucked a long time ago. Why do you continue to put up with it?

TheNumberfaker Sat 26-Dec-15 15:54:23

You have my sympathies, I haven't spoken to my sister for just over a year. I had enough of her when she tried to embarrass me in my new job.
You do not need shitty family in your life. Be brave and move on...

pandarific Sat 26-Dec-15 16:01:38

Oysterbabe She lives with my mum, who is hosting Xmas, so she was going to be there. I live in another country and am visiting so I have nowhere to escape to or I'd be gone. I told her previously she would ruin our relationship my continuing to behave this way - and she's doing it anyway.

As I said, when you call her on her behaviour, it's everyone else that is wrong and she is perfectly reasonable - if you engage it goes: screaming row, ranting, apologies five minutes later, more ranting about how you caused the whole thing, quiet. Then ten minutes later something else triggers her, and it goes on and on.

I may have been naive to hope that after my warning she'd not be a shit this year, but please don't tell me I'm at fault here. I can't control her behaviour, I'm not 'letting' another adult do anything - she's an adult. However foul she is is on her.

pandarific Sat 26-Dec-15 16:04:00

I would happily go NC - my mum and dad for some reason still appear to love her and don't want to cut her off. So, we try to have a nice family Christmas AROUND the psycho, which is ridiculous.

She's moving out soon - I'm going to quite seriously tell my mother to never, ever let her move back in again. Ever.

pandarific Sat 26-Dec-15 16:05:23

She just called my dad a 'stupid ass'. Happy Christmas everyone!

wine wine wine

Themodernuriahheep Sat 26-Dec-15 16:05:41

What does your mum say?

catfordbetty Sat 26-Dec-15 16:05:46

Do you think there's any chance of change? It sounds unlikely to me. In your place, I'd give up.

Ooh, is it bake off later? I could do with some entertainment - it's been quiet today. I think that Dickens thing might be on tonight too?
Sorry, something about your sister OP? Yeh, she sounds a pain

pandarific Sat 26-Dec-15 16:10:23

Themodernuriahheep Today, 'What are we going to do about her?' I said never ever let her move back in. I also told her to disengage and just ignore her. BUT my mother will never do that - she doesn't see that engaging just feeds it.

SisterViktorine Sat 26-Dec-15 16:17:01

Living in a different country sounds very sensible. In future only visit your parents while your sister is on holiday.

Do you think she may have some kind of personality disorder that she's never received any help with as opposed to just being nasty? She sounds quite dysregulated.

HeteronormativeHaybales Sat 26-Dec-15 16:18:19

Her behaviour sounds very difficult to cope with, but I am wondering whether thre are some SN there - the need for things to be the same might indicate that.

Some of your language about her is pretty ugly, which may well, of course, spring from your frustration with her behaviour, but for someone you don't see often that is quite a level of hate, and it sounds like there are years of resentment or something else uncomfortable for you behind that. If it is this bad for you - and the behaviour does sound very hard work indeed -, find other ways of seeing your mum (can she visit you?), but I think a closer look at what is going on for you around her and what is going on for her might be beneficial to you.

pandarific Sat 26-Dec-15 16:20:21

SisterViktorine I've thought that for years, and she's been on antidepressants before, but I don't really know. What do you think it sounds like?

I'm just sad.

lorelei9 Sat 26-Dec-15 16:20:50

Oh panda, what a mare

Is she ill?

I'd be refusing to spend christmad there. As you say, trying to have fun around the psycho is mad.

DragonRojo Sat 26-Dec-15 16:23:56

Do you need to stay with your mum though? When I go to my home country, I save up and stay in rented accommodation. There is plenty of space in my parents' house, but 24/7 with family always causes arguments. Could you stay somewhere else and only go to see them a few hours per day?

Italiangreyhound Sat 26-Dec-15 16:24:55

Hi, this sounds awful. You have my sympathy.

I think as much as possible you just need to literally blank her when she is tantruming. You are best to not 'reward' her with debate or anything. When my kids are very difficult (aged 5 and 11) I either send them for take a break or take a break myself and leave the room if it is safe to do so. It works much better than arguing or shouting or anything.

If you must speak to her during any tantrum use a soft and calming voice so she must be quiet to hear you. If she doesn't want to hear you, she doesn't get to! As long as you don't need to say quick get out the house is on fire, you should be OK. She might miss the announcement 'Bake off starting in 5 minutes' or 'Would yuo like a gin and tonic?' She will miss all announcements and treats and social interaction whenever she is tantruming. I would leave the room, go in the garden, go to my room, go for a walk etc etc.

Next year I'd be tempted to stay with a friend (start cultivating old school friends now!) or a hotel, and to insist on a different room from her, even if it is the attic! Be able to escape and make it clear you will, even if it means sitting in your car watching Bake off on your phone!

Good luck.

pandarific Sat 26-Dec-15 16:26:42

I know HeteronormativeHaybales, and I regretted the mean stuff after I hit post, but it's been years and years of her being so awful all the time. I do still love her deep down, it's just awful. I love my mum and dad, and seeing what she puts them through on a daily basis is heartbreaking.

Take my unkind words with a grain of salt - I have no-one bar my partner who I cam speak to about this, and the feeling of family loyalty I have makes me less honest with him how I feel.

SisterViktorine Sat 26-Dec-15 16:27:37

I don't know- I work with children so know little about conditions diagnosed post puberty and armchair dx is a massive no-no anyway!!

Mind has a lot of good info.

Themodernuriahheep Sat 26-Dec-15 16:32:07

It's what I wondered. Sounds more than normal egocentricity iyswim.

Difficult for your DM. To change at this stage is hard. I do think ignoring as part of boundary settings is right.

SisterVic, you didn't call yourself after a legendary headmistress did you?

SisterViktorine Sat 26-Dec-15 16:35:03

May have done Thermo ;-)

BooOzMoo Sat 26-Dec-15 16:35:09

She sounds like my Vile Sil.... I won't regret saying it!
She has schizophrenia and her DH has told us again and again that she is stable but she is just vile!
She constantly screams at everyone including her DC who are 6 & 18 mths. Her DH is required to jump when she says and he often ignores her. We sent her DC zones presents last year which she returned with a note saying don't send DC presents as we don't know them and fuck off and die!
She is vile and cold and just blatantly mean. If she doesn't get her own way she sulks!
I don't care if she has issues TBH take your meds and you'll be fine.... She doesn't like taking her meds as apparently they make her fat!!! It's actually the massive portions and cake that makes her fat!!!!

IonaNE Sat 26-Dec-15 16:39:21

Panda, I also live in another country and when I go back to visit I always stay with either an old schoolfriend or at a hote. Never at my family's. This way I feel less trapped - and this actually helps the behaviour of a certain family member because with me not staying there he also knows I can stand up and leave at any time. When you are visiting next time, can you stay somewhere else?

ImtheChristmasCarcass Sat 26-Dec-15 16:44:12

I think it's a good thing to let all the bile out here rather than cause a shitstorm at your parents'. It wouldn't do any good there, tbh.

Honestly, I wouldn't go home if I had to stay in the same house with her. If I were you I'd start saving right now for a hotel for next year. How long do you stay? Maybe you'd be better off to stay a shorter period and pay for a hotel for just as many nights as you can afford. At least that way you'd be able to get away from the house at night. And especially once you have children! You don't want to be subjecting them to that kind of shit. Even if your sister moves out, I'll bet you anything that she'll be there 24/7 for the holidays.

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