WIBU to uninvite my dad from my wedding?

(43 Posts)
notamum3210 Thu 24-Dec-15 16:55:37

This is probably going to be very long.

My mum and dad broke up when I was 5 due to cheating (he actually committed bigamy but that's an entirely different issue). They divorced and my mum remarried soon afterwards. My stepdad has been far more of a dad to me and has raised me like his own- he's a great man.

Shortly after my mum remarried my dad threatened to have me kidnapped and taken to live with his mother (my gran) in northern africa. My mum wasn't sure how serious these threats were but decided not to take any risks and took legal action and spent the earth getting a full court order against him granting her full custody. As 'punishment', perhaps, my dad had no contact with me at all and didn't pay a penny of child support between the age of 5-10- he lives abroad and was hard to trace. Out of the blue when I was 10 he called my mum and demanded to see me when he would be visiting England. My mum insisted that she supervises and that he begin to pay maintenance. He paid a small amount between the ages of 10-15 and would visit me once every 6 months to a year.

He was married to my stepmum for 15 years and they recently divorced. She is a lovely woman and strangely, her and my mum have made very good friends especially after she divorced my dad. My stepmum and my dad had one child who is 16 and very severely autistic- he is non verbal and also epileptic. He's such a sweet little boy. He has had a full time carer for the last 17 years who lives with my stepmum and my half brother- we all trusted him. He is indian (relevant)

Now it transpires that for the last month or so, the carer and my dad have been plotting to take my brother away from his mum, take him to india, pay a poor young woman to marry him and make sure that my brother never sees his mother again. Once he was married to this young woman, she would take care of him or, if she couldn't, my dad would pay to have him put in a home for disabled people somewhere in Southern India. My dad would visit my brother in India 'once in a while' but this act would be to gain control over his son and to take him away from his mum. It's awful.

It's an absolute nightmare and thankfully my stepmum found out about the plans before it was too late and notified the authorities. Thankfully the authorities are aware now and action is being taken to stop the carer ever returning to the UK.

I am disgusted at my father but not surprised as he has tried to do things like this before and does ridiculous things simply for control.
I have a superficially cordial relationship with my dad (I've never told him what I really think of him as I hate confrontation) and he doesn't know that I know. In the culture that I was brought up, unconditional respect for parents is a given. I'm so conflicted right now.

I'm getting married next summer and my plan was to have my stepdad walk me down the aisle and do all the 'dad' things but to also extend an invitation to my dad. My reasoning was that even though I don't like my dad and feel very let down by his actions in the past, I didn't hate him enough to deny him the happiness of attending his only daughter's wedding. I'm pretty certain he'd come (he's said he would) and would be proud.

However since the mater with taking my half-brother away have come to light I'm just so so horrified and feel like I never want to see him again. My dad doesn't know that I know yet but it's all going to come out in the next few months i'm sure....

I want my stepmum to be at the wedding with her new partner and I don't know whether it's a good idea to have them in the same room as each other.
I also thing my dad would cause a scene and take away the happiness from mine and my fiance's special day.

However I think I would be under a lot of cultural and community pressure if I took away the invitation.
WIBU to stick two fingers up to people who put me under pressure to have him there or should I just grin and bear it? WWYD?

notamum3210 Thu 24-Dec-15 16:57:12

Thank you to anybody who followed that - and sorry for the typo before anyone jumps on it: my brother is 17 and the carer has been with them for 16 years...

Piffpaffpoff Thu 24-Dec-15 17:05:52

God no, dont invite him.

Penfold007 Thu 24-Dec-15 17:07:23

Its hard and I understand the pressure you are under but I wouldn't invite this horrible man to anything. He will upset your mum, step-mum and your brother as well as you. Really what positive thing will he bring to the event?

ImperialBlether Thu 24-Dec-15 17:09:12

He should be in prison! I wouldn't have him at my wedding or anywhere near me.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 24-Dec-15 17:11:19

Ditto pp uninvited him and don't give it a second thought.

Ensure he knows nothing about it so doesn't try to gate crash.

He sounds utterly vile and abusive.

midnightlurker Thu 24-Dec-15 17:12:31

No, don't invite him.

Lauren15 Thu 24-Dec-15 17:16:02

Ok goodness keep him well away. He doesn't sound like a good person to have in your life

TheOptimisticPessimist Thu 24-Dec-15 17:16:54

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like your family have really been dragged through everything at the hands of this man. Take the invitation away and don't give it a second thought.

Your father sounds like an abusive, horrible individual that brings nothing but misery to those around him.

Spend your day with those that love and care for you, and keep that toxic man out of your life. Don't let him back in for the sake of duty or propriety, it isn't worth the heartache for you or your family.

wannaBe Thu 24-Dec-15 17:23:07

Where is the pressure to invite him going to come from other than him? Because given the experiences your mum and step mum had I'm sure they have no such expectations, and his opinion is completely irrelevant.

I would never have anything to do with him again.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 24-Dec-15 17:24:24

Take this opportunity to crush the expected respect etc crap.

Invite your real father to your wedding and if I am not clear I am talking about your legal step father (your emotional father).

Invite your step mother if you want her.

You owe your biological father NOTHING. This is hopefully your one and only wedding day, give yourself a gift, a lovely day.

LeaLeander Thu 24-Dec-15 17:27:12

He's a criminal and an immoral jerk. You should NOT invite this man to your wedding. You owe him nothing.

DoreenLethal Thu 24-Dec-15 17:36:35

Don't go anywhere near him again - he sounds like a complete bastard.

TracyBarlow Thu 24-Dec-15 17:41:29

I have absolutely no idea why you would let him near you, your mum, your stepmum or your brother. He sounds evil.

I'd withdraw the invitation and make it quite clear why.

LynetteScavo Thu 24-Dec-15 17:45:41

What dies your mum and your half brothers mum think.

If they won't be comfortable with him there, I think you have the answer.

Will your half brother be able to attend? If so your father shouldn't be there.

He sounds dangerous tbh.

Brenna24 Thu 24-Dec-15 17:49:12

I wouldn't have him there. Enjoy having the family who deserve to be there, and keep him far away from them all. He will only cause trouble.

ImtheChristmasCarcass Thu 24-Dec-15 17:49:14

Have only those you love and who love around you on your wedding day. You'll only have one and you deserve nothing but happy memories.

If anyone questions why your 'father' wasn't invited, tell them the truth. If they still think he should be invited when they know the truth, I'd dis-invite them!

OhTannenbomb Thu 24-Dec-15 17:49:17

Given his past form, I'd go NC, indicate you want no ties whatsoever and get the police onto him for stalking if he comes anywhere near you after you've done this. Maybe don't do this in a confrontational way, but look for ways to just cut contact - move away, be polite if you have to, but he is a dangerous, manipulative type.

He is unhinged and God knows what he will come up with to "punish" you if he wants to in the future. What if you yourself had a child? Would you trust him not to kidnap it to "punish" you in the future?

ImtheChristmasCarcass Thu 24-Dec-15 17:49:50

"who love YOU"

Groovee Thu 24-Dec-15 17:53:16

Blimming heck do NOT have this sperm donor at your wedding! Your step dad has stepped up and deserves the title dad and you can enjoy your day without worrying your father will cause a problem!

summerainbow Thu 24-Dec-15 18:09:18

I am guessing only and don't want offend any one but because your dad has autistic son your dad may have markers for ASD too.

But no I would not have your at your wedding.

Jux Thu 24-Dec-15 18:22:17

YANNNNBU.

Don't give him an 'in' to your life. You have no idea what he may do next. He has no scruples and, for all you know, he may one day try the same trick on your children.

Keep him out, preferably no contact, but at best arms length. Do not ever trust him.

You don't want him there, he has given you nothing since you were conceived, not even bothering to pay maintenance (which is the very least one would expect of a decent and honest human being). So no, don't invite him, don't even tell him.

If people try to pressure you just tell them everything you know about him and what he's tried to do, especially his plans for your poor brother.

He doesn't deserve a passing thought.

Bing0wings Thu 24-Dec-15 18:25:03

I come from similar background with community pressure. I think you should do what will make YOU happy. Which by the sounds of it means not inviting him. As long as you are prepared for maybe not seeing him again or less regularly than you do already as I'm sure he will hold it against you. this is your wedding and it needs to be a happy day for you. The community can just do one! In my experience the community always have something to moan about. People need to understand that respect is earnt, not unconditional.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 24-Dec-15 18:39:33

"In the culture that I was brought up, unconditional respect for parents is a given. I'm so conflicted right now."
I personally believe that respect for others (ANY others) should always be the default - but it is possible to lose respect for a person if their behaviour warrants it. Your father is one fucking evil bastard, so yes, respect SHOULD be lost, parent or not. Besides, to have him there is to disrespect your other parent, and the other parent of your brother. Two against one, it is more respectful of the parents of your family to not have him there.

"However I think I would be under a lot of cultural and community pressure if I took away the invitation."
From whom? Not that it matters really. Anyone trying to pressure you should be brought up to speed with why you will not be inviting him to your wedding. Along the lines of 'I cannot invite a man who planned to kidnap me from my mother and leave her bereft, and who more recently planned to steal my brother from my stepmother and abandon him in India. He has no honour and I will not disrespect the rest of my family by allowing him near us. Now fuck off.'

Seriously, anyone who tries it on with you, blow them out of the water.

And thinking ahead - you don't want this mad bastard around when you start having children. Get him gone, now.

coconutpie Thu 24-Dec-15 18:41:16

Do not under any circumstances invite that vile disgusting man to your wedding. He should be in prison for what he has tried to do. I would have nothing to do with him and I'd be telling him why also. You don't just give people respect because it is the cultural thing, people have to earn respect. He hasn't.

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