To not give my sister her Xmas present?!

[carelesswhisper27]

My sister is the youngest in our family and is 19.

This year she has said she 'cannot afford' to buy anyone Christmas presents and therefore does not expect any in return - which I suspect is not true. She earns usually about £300 a week (self employed MUA), lives at home, pays my dad £20 a week and has no other outgoings that we were aware of- mum still pays her phone bill. We were all a bit wondering where her money has gone but have still all bought her gifts of course.

However it's now come to light she did have the money and has spent roughly £600 on herself this week on... Wait for it.... Lip injections, her hair being cut, coloured and a weave put in her hair.

I know you don't give to receive but I can't believe she's been so selfish! I've had a few choice messages from her because I questioned her and now I'm wondering - am I just being a miserable old fart or is she being breathtakingly selfish and self absorbed?!!?

[Oakmaiden]

I dunno. She would prefer to spend her money on herself than buy presents and receive presents that she wants less than the things she has spent money on. A bit selfish, perhaps, but maybe a bit sensible too.

Obviously you are perfectly entitled not to give her a present. She has said she won't be buying and to not bother buying for her. So don't.

I probably would give it to her, though, because, well, she's 19. Still very young. Plus I like giving presents more than I like getting them, so I would't want to deprive myself of that pleasure.

[Loubilou09]

Sounds like my mum, she can't afford much in the way of presents this year as she has just spent £22,000 on new bathrooms and a further £6K on a luxury business class 3 week holiday in Australia. Despite having assets in the region of £2M and more disposable income than us every month she is going to "see what she can afford".

[WeirdCatLadyIsFeelingFestive]

How long ago did she declare she didn't want to give/receive gifts? If she gave a decent amount of notice then YABU to have bought her something and be moaning about it. If only in the last few days then she is being U.

She can spend her money on whatever the hell she wants.

[Spilose]

It's her money and she can spend it how she likes. She's been inconsiderate to tell you so close to Xmas that she won't be doing presents this year considering most people have bought their gifts by now.

[TheFairyCaravan]

DS1(21) has just spent £300 on a tattoo. The way I see it is if you can't be a bit wreckless when you're young and have no responsibilities when can you?

She said don't buy presents bit you still did. It's hardly her fault.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Sorry shes very selfish. She could at least buy your parents a gift as shes at home paying very little towards keep.
DSis was a single mom, and never did gifts in the early years, we still brought her gifts. Its what you do.

[HolgerDanske]

It's not her fault that you all decided to get her gifts anyway, is it.

[carelesswhisper27]

She didn't actually tell me at all, she told my brother a couple of weeks ago and he passed the message on, I texted her last night to see if it was correct when he told me she was having her hair done. I'm in two minds about it; she is still very young I agree so I think it's harsh to deprive her of the present. However she has form for being very selfish and I just feel like at 19 she's never going to learn if we keep reinforcing that it's ok to behave the way she does. I agree she can spend her money how she likes but do feel it's a tad galling when she cries poverty but has spent a ton of money on vanity... Maybe that's just my own snobbery coming out though, not sure I'd feel the same if let's say she was broke because she was travelling or buying a house etc.

FYI this is the text I got - I have of course removed a couple of identifying details

''can't believe you've actually text me you've made me feel really uncomfortable about it - how shit do you think that makes me feel? If I could afford it I would get them like I did last year... Oh sorry I've had my hair done which I haven't had done since I went on holiday am I not entitled to want something nice for myself??? Or should I spend every last penny I have feeing and looking disgusting to get presents for everyone? You honestly are awful ''

[Penfold007]

So your adult sibling states that they won't be buying gifts for family but also doesn't expect to receive gifts. You decided to buy her gifts regardless - your choice as an adult.

YABU to judge her on things she buys for herself. Her money, her choice. Seriously how would you feel if she took it upon herself to comment on your spending habits.

I give gifts with no expectation of receiving a gift. If you do the same then give her a gift if not then don't give her anything.

[expatinscotland]

Take her gift back and give her a card.

[Bogeyface]

That text is very "me me me" isnt it?

I do think that she is being selfish yes, and in that circumstance I wouldnt give her a gift, she did say she didnt want one after all. But equally, I would leave it now and not mention it again. Hopefully in a few years she will feel embarrassed at her behaviour. At the very least I would expect her to get a gift for your parents.

[SuburbanRhonda]

What did your text to her say, OP?

[OurBlanche]

Don't give her a gift. Don't text her, try talking to her. You've handed her the high ground, you have hurt her feelings and been a complete bitch, so now whatever you say or think you will be in the wrong - she has told you as much. It no longer matters if you ever had a reasonable point or not.

Your only response is silence, or "Grow up!".

[Hormonal1]

She's an adult and has made a choice. Don't give her the present you bought. Give her a card.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

I would keep the gift for next year / birthday, she has said she doesn't want one so maybe just a small box of chocs or something little. She sounds very selfish so yes go along with what she wants.

[MerryMarigold]

YABU to not give the present. That text is awful. Most of us have been 19 once, would you all have behaved like that? She is spoilt rotten. Your parents should be asking for more from her for a start. Even food costs more than that in a week, let alone bills etc.

Yes, she is entitled to get her hair done, but that doesn't cost 600.00. Do as she asked (via your brother) and don't give her a present but still be lovely to her on xmas day. This is purely about the gift, so leave it there and wait for her to grow up.

[MontyYouTerribleCunt]

Agree with pps. Return the gift and give her a card - not to punish her or anything, but because that what she asked in the first place, (albeit too late and through a 3rd party but it's not like you can make her buy you something in return).

[MerryMarigold]

Sorry, should be YANBU!!!

[witsender]

You're both being unreasonable. She is being selfish to your dad asuch as anything, and you are to confront her about presents when this is the bigger issue.

Don't give her a present as she has told you not to. Just don't make an issue of it, it is unnecessary. If she says anything look bewildered and point out that she had said not to, and if she persists ask where yours is.

[museumum]

I do see what you're saying but as a self employed Make up artist her hair and makeup are important to her business not just treats for her.

[winetintedglasses]

I don't know really, my sister is only a couple of years older than yours and about as immature, blows money on things I think are ridiculous. She's not buying me and DH anything, but has for the kids, and I've got her something because she's my sister and I want to. If you can't spend money when you're young and single, when can you?!

[coconutpie]

Why did you buy gifts for her when she told you not to? Regardless, I don't think you should give her the gift. Give her a card and return the gift.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

She sounds like an utter cow just for the way she treats your parents.

In your situation is give her gift to a charity I like and tell her.

Don't bother at all next year, birthday or Christmas.

[Bubbletree4]

I think it was her right to make the choice whether to do Christmas presents or not. She chose not to. She wanted to spend her limited funds on something else which seems to be her appearance. From the tone of her text, her appearance is very, very important to her and plus she works in the beauty industry. I think she was entitled to make this choice. I'm not sure why you didn't comply with her wishes and just not get her a present. I doubt she will care whether you hand her a present or not because she has what she wants, the beauty stuff.

I should think the bigger issue is the fact that at 19 years of age, she feels "disgusting" without a load of cosmetic procedures and make up. I'm twice her age and no oil painting but certainly don't feel disgusting with no makeup etc.

[OurBlanche]

Yes, but only if she had actually, like, you know, told everyone. Not just mumbled it to one person a week or so before Christmas and waited for the message to magically, like, get through to everyone else.

All else is smoke and mirrors, really.