To tell my ExP to stop using Ds?

(11 Posts)
JustAnotherOP Tue 15-Dec-15 18:31:49

My Ds has Aspergers and various other disabilities but one thing he is absolutely amazing at is writing code / developing websites and other similar computer-related things. He's a bit like a calculator and is never happier than when he's writing code or looking into space related things. My ex has picked up on this and has been pushing Ds into creating a variety of things for him - e.g setting up online stores or market places. Ds doesn't mind this as he's great at it but I feel like ex is using him. He never took any interest in Ds until he discovered this 'hidden' talent. I want them to have a good relationship but I don't want ex to use Ds. AIBU to tell ex to back off?

Slowtrain2dawn Tue 15-Dec-15 18:40:25

I would look up the costs of this type of service, and suggest he pays him some extra pocket money!
Is ex doing other things with him too? If there is a balance and they do other things together it's not so bad, but if their whole relationship is based on Ds's IT support it would feel wrong to me too, especially as you say he wasn't interested before. Could it be that he has found something Ds likes to do so keeps asking him because he is stuck for other ideas?

AlbertHerbertHawkins Tue 15-Dec-15 19:04:28

Maybe your ex has always struggled to connect with ds and has now found something they can bond over / enjoy together. Why not just take a back seat and monitor for now?

Arfarfanarf Tue 15-Dec-15 19:07:27

does your son feel used or does he feel happy that his dad is wanting/needing him and being with him?

JustAnotherOP Tue 15-Dec-15 19:34:13

Thanks for your responses. I know my hatred of ex is clouding my judgement but to answer your questions:

Slow I know the cost of this type of thing and it's not cheap. Ex doesn't do anything else with him so it doesn't balance out.

Albert I have been so far taking a back seat but I feel that Ds is being used as his father is only concerned about what he can get out of Ds.

Arf Ds just feels happy to be writing code - so yes he's happy but if his dad lets him down again he'll be broken hearted.

GloGirl Tue 15-Dec-15 19:36:51

It's all good practice and makes your son happy. All the best and richest geeks in the world started out doing it for fun and then moved onto more and more serious projects.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 15-Dec-15 19:43:14

I can see your concerns, and let's face it, you're probably right. But I don't think there's a lot you can or should do about it. If you put a stop to it, you'll be blamed and then you'll have the double whammy of DS feeling you've taken him away from his dad AND stopped him doing something he loves... You can't win.

JustAnotherOP Tue 15-Dec-15 19:53:09

I'd just like a hand hold because I don't want to lose my Ds to this bastard who has all of a sudden taken an interest in his child. Where has he been for the past 16 years?

queenofthepirates Tue 15-Dec-15 20:01:57

Agreed but this is more about your feelings towards your ex than your DS's relationship with his father. I know it's probably you done the lion's share of the work for 16 years and he's reaping the benefits but you need to examine your motives carefully before trying to go in there.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 15-Dec-15 20:05:26

You won't lose your DS. You've been there for him for his whole life. That can't be replaced by anyone.

Your DS is getting great experience.

Next he needs to learn contract negotiation skills.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 15-Dec-15 21:50:55

You won't lose him. Honestly, you won't. He might have his head turned for a while, but you won't lose him.

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