Would you have another baby in these circumstances?

[Conflictedkate]

Have name changed as am going to post some specific details in the hope of getting advice/ comments on this one.

Background - have 4 children. Briefly considered a 5th in the 3 years after youngest born but def off the radar for last 5 years at least. Then had an unplanned pg couple of months ago. Knocked us both sideways and considered termination but decided to go ahead. Unfortunately ended in a mc at 10 weeks and we were both extremely upset as had started to make plans and imagine a new course for our family path.

Now need to decide whether we officially ttc in the new year. After the mc immediately wanted to but wanted a bit of space to recover which we've had. We're going to have a good talk but I need to sort my thoughts out. It feels a head/heart decision at the moment. DH will probably defer to what I want to do.

So- I'm 38, DH is 43. 4 children between 13 & 8. We both work full time but I'm lucky enough to work from home with lots of flexibility. We need to work as have large mortgage but no additional debts.

We earn ok with reasonable amount of disposable income. Not super rich or well off but comfy i.e can eat out once a week, kids do activities, go on holiday etc. We don't claim benefits other than child benefit.

House is big enough but no spare bedroom. Could do loft conversion in couple of years but would rely on increasing mortgage.

We have a strong marriage, DH takes equal role in parenting/ household tasks. Both healthy but could do with dropping weight.

I have a good pension, DH no pension, we have a small amount in savings, think >15k

Children all stable, well adjusted, doing well. Love their younger cousins.

Previous pg all relatively straightforward, but last 2 induced at 37 weeks due to high bp. All Easy births, all easy babies but horrific toddlers.

Issues of concern: our ages, having another mc. Last one knocked me sideways with strength of feeling and know I have an increased risk.

Having child with disabilities- again aware of increased risks . We both know we'd have all the screening and tfmr if necessary as we discussed when I had the last pg. I know that would be distressing to deal with.

Do I really want to go back to babyhood at this stage? Sometimes think another child would be fab and lovely for the older children. Other times think it'd be utter madness.

Work- potentially in line for s promotion next year that I've worked hard for. Pg may scupper this.

So conflicted about what my real thoughts are....so AIBU yo even consider this. All info here is to help u see my personal circumstances.

[GlitteringJasper]

Sorry about your MC. I had one over the summer and it totally threw me. Like you, I had thought I was finished with babies and when I accidentally got pregnant, briefly considered termination.

I was beyond devastated when I lost the baby, silent MC, found out at 12 week scan.

I haven't ruled out another (am 36) but wouldn't have considered if if I hadn't had the MC. It's so hard, don't know.

You aren't alone.

[Brummiegirl15]

Obviously you have lots of reasons I can't comment on.

But I'm 39 and 32 weeks pregnant with my first and DP is 46

Your age definitely isn't a barrier.

[RubbleBubble00]

with bare facts, no I wouldn't tbh, even more so if my career was progressing. You sound like you have a great life. For me there would too many negatives - time took away from older kids who probably each get a bit of mum time now they are older, possibly career stalling, risk of dc with additional needs (from experience it's really really a strain and feel my other dc miss out on so much), doing stuff with dc now that you can't do with a baby in tow - cinema trips ect, if dc aren't room sharing can't imagine they would be thrilled sharing with each other or a baby.

[VestalVirgin]

Well, if the situation on the job market was better, I'd say you could count on having the eldest out of the house before the youngest needs a room or their own.

Just not using contraception and otherwise leaving it to chance seems like the most stress-free approach.

You may want to use condoms for the next couple of months, though - that promotion should go to you.

[stairbears]

I wouldn't. Unless you have a burning desire for another. This:

"Sometimes think another child would be fab and lovely for the older children"

is not a good enough reason to bring a living being into the world, imo.

[KimmySchmidtsSmile]

Firstly so sorry about your miscarriage
I had dc2 aged 39 then dc3 aged 41.
My eldest is 13.
So 13, 5 and 2.5 years respectively.
The teenager no longer wants much to do with siblings after the initial novelty wore off ;-)
Starting again felt back breaking. Others have done it and found it easier but for me it has been very hard and I will be 60 when the youngest turns 18.
I won't allow myself to regret it but nor was it the right decision for us as a family, such is the glory of hindsight.
So, comes down to what your hopes/dreams are for your future and your relationship and how much freedom you currently have, want, need or were looking forward to.

[Artandco]

Tbh no I wouldn't. Your older ones are all dependent now and almost all secondary school age. Within 3 years you will be in a senario of all children able to Stay home alone when needed so no huge childcare bills. Everything catered for older children

A newborn would be lovely but would be more difficult to start again.

I think your age is fine though.

[SaucyJack]

I wouldn't.

I went back to the baby days when DD2 was 7. Don't underestimate how tedious and annoying it'll be to have to go back to it now yours are all at an age where they can be reasonably pleasant and trustworthy in public.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I regret having another baby, but if I hadn't have met another bloke between DC2&3, there's no way on Earth I ever would have had a third.

[3littlebadgers]

I would.
I'm 31 weeks with number 5, ds1 (10), ds2 (8) dd1 (6) and dd2 stillborn in March. Like you I was devastated but I was desperate to fix things and fill those empty arms and so became pregnant again very quickly. I won't pretend it has been an easy ride, but the dc's are so excited about having a little sibling again. I just hope it goes well.

Your family life sounds very loving and stable and perfect for a child to be brought up in. As you said a loft conversion would be possible in a couple of years, and baby could sleep with you for the time being.

[stairbears]

Oh - make make your decision at a time when you know you're not ovulating, or leading up to. Tricksy body can affect the emotions!

[Ragwort]

I wouldn't, but I was more than happy to just have one child. .

I think your life would be very, very hard to go back to all the baby years when your other children are so much older, and would they really want to be as involved in a baby brother or sister as you might like to think they would be?

You need to think very, very carefully about exactly why you want another child.

[LibrariesgaveusP0wer]

Honestly.No.

You have a six year age spread now. You would be looking at making that 14. That is a lot to juggle.

Your elder ones are just getting towards more independence and needing evening lifts and quiet for revision.

I am so sorry about your mc, but I suspect it is grief that is driving you now. If the unplanned pg hadn't happened, would you be thinking of ttc?

[LibrariesgaveusP0wer]

Five year spread. Oops

[Creampastry]

No, too big an age gap in my opinion.

[hefzi]

Honestly? From your post here, no. It's sad that you went through the mc, but that's not in and of itself a reason to ttc. And it sounds as though you already have a lovely family, a comfortable situation without needing to eg take on more debt to extend. It's also a pretty large gap - it's not that people don't do it, or that I think you can't: but it will have an impact on your other children, and they won't necessarily be delighted (12 year gap between me and youngest DB - I was not delighted at all, for a number of reasons) just because they love their younger cousins.

Only you and your DH can decide, of course, but why not agree to leave it 6 months and then discuss it? You are both still in the early stages of grief over the mc now, and your hormones are probably all over the place to: it's not always easy to make decisions in that position, in all truthfulness.

[MabelSideswipe]

No I wouldn't and I have children the same age as yours more or less. I think that my existing children would have to sacrifice too much for too little reward to them given the age gap e.g. rooms, my time and energy, money, activities etc.

[itsmeagain1]

From what you've said - no.
It doesn't seem to add up and you seem to be almost trying to convince yourself, you don't seem to have any particular reason to go for it.
Speaking from my own experience, I'd absolutely hate to go back to the newborn years, esp with an age gap like you would have, ugh sounds like a nightmare to be honest and the older kids might be more of a hindrance than a help!
There is a huge difference physically to having a child at 38 vs what I figure to be 30 for your last child. HUGE! You are far less able for the sleeplessness, the constant demands etc. Surely now is a good time for you to climb the ladder and take advantage of the opportunities open to you?
You don't seem desperate to have another child.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

We have 6yo DD and we now have a 5mo DS. It's been really hard if I'm being honest. DD is fairly independent and both DH and I were enjoying our relative freedom, especially in the evenings.

I'm now back with nappies, getting up 4+ times a night, no evenings and with a totally dependent baby during the days. We planned DS but I had really forgotten what it was like after the newborn (sleep all the time) phase.

I'm now excited about a Saturday in March when I'm going on an all day crochet workshop. That will be my first day without DS as he's exclusively BF and currently won't take a bottle!! He's lovely and we're very grateful to have him, but I wish he was born closer to DD rather than starting again so long after DD.

[poocatcherchampion]

My interpretation of your post is a yes. You want one!

[AntiHop]

I'm sorry about your mc.

No i wouldn't.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

What are your reasons for wanting another baby?

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Oh, I would add that I was 30yo with DD and 36 with DS. I'm suffering more with the sleep deprivation, I found the pregnancy harder too. I also had a big bleed and a very quick (so quite traumatic) birth. Much harder to get my post-baby size back too.

[qumquat]

From what you've written I wouldn't. It doesn't read like you really want another dc. Sorry for your loss

[CwtchMeQuick]

I don't think I would in your circumstances. However that's perfectly easy for me to say looking in from the outside.
I didn't want another baby, I hated being pregnant, horrible morning sickness followed by a battle with pnd. But I had a miscarriage earlier this year and I can totally understand the overwhelming need for another baby. It's hard to heal when a pregnancy ends without a baby in your arms.
I know now that I want another. But DS is an only child and only 3. I'm not sure how differently I'd feel if I already had more than one child

[WoodHeaven]

Honestly I would think very carefully about it.
From my pov it looks like you are trying to replace the child you have lost. And that is never a reason good enough to have a child.
Especially when that baby was t planned in the first place.

I think you were settled and felt you had finished your family until now. I would go with that rather than trying to ease the grief by having another child.