To be quite fucking upset about a weight comment my DM made

[Hairyfairybumscary]

Back story, for as long as I can remember I've been told by various family members that I need to 'watch my weight'. My earliest memory of this weight obsession was when I was 4, I can pin point anything anybody actually said I just remember that I always felt 'fat'.

Looking back at photos from my childhood, it is clear to me now that I wasn't fat in anyway shape or form, I was just a normal child. However, by the time I realised this I had spiralled into habits of comfort eating every time my mum obsessed or nagged over my none existent weight problem. I can't ever remember feeling particularly confident - I still don't.

I can't ever remember being care free as a child and felt as though I always had my mums disapproving eye on me as I was growing up. She has never had a problem with her weight.

I lost weight when I was 17 and kept the weight off until I had my DD in 2013, so I managed to keep it off for 4 years. I had my DD and suffered with PND and it piled on.

My mum nags and nags and nags at me 'oh I hate to mention it but it scares me to death.' It scares me to death too but I'm stuck in this awful cycle of not wanting to go out for fear of seeing someone I know. I realise people with talk about my weight gain. I can see the shock in their faces when they set eyes on me and I hate it.
I feel as though my mum is embarrassed to be seen with me because of my size and it's not a particularly nice feeling but I've always felt that way.

The other day she was helping me un peg my washing from outside and she started giggling to herself. I asked what was so funny and she said that 'your jeans say 'skinny' on the label but size a size 18 isn't skinny at all.'

I thought it was quite a bitchy, nasty comment if I'm honest, completely needless. She then went on to explain that he had shown her friend some photos that she had taken of myself and DD recently,
She said 'oh [name removed by MNHQ] hardly recognised you, you must've really ballooned since she saw you last.'

I'm not blaming her for the way I am but there is no escaping the fact that the criticism of my weight is all I've were really known. I've never felt as though I'm worth much and never felt particularly good enough. I'm actually getting quite upset as I'm writing this. I could've been so different. I shy away from social situations so much so my DD is starting to miss out. I just feel as though people will be commenting on my weight and I feel disgusted with myself for letting it get this bad but I'm so down.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You've lost perspective because you're surrounded by wankers

a size 18 is one size larger than average


Sure, you could lose a few pounds but your mum would still be a dick

[chumbler]

Horrible comment to make

[UnlikelyPilgramage]

YANBU.

My mum was the same as yours. I think she had been a very skinny child and thought it was how children were supposed to look - I look back at pictures and can see I wasn't fat, although I have always been sturdy. My mum was birdlike. I am more of a tree :)

I would tell your mum she's hurtful and inappropriate, if you can. PND Is an awful condition.

[WilyWindyMoors]

That's really mean from your mum OP

I have struggled with my weight too and would never judge anyone for something as arbitrary as what clothes size they wear!

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person and it's wrong that you're losing your confidence because of this - go back out there and hold your head up high! I bet you look amazing x

[QwertyBird]

I know how you feel. I think you need to tell her when she says these things. Even if you say 'do you have to be so hurtful?' If you don't tackle it in some way, it won't stop.
From experience, you will lose weight when you feel happy in yourself.

[Meow75]

I think your mum is doing you a disservice. How tall are you, considering you mention size 18 jeans?
At what point might she accept that she may well be responsible, in part, for your self-image?
The next time she starts, shut her down. "Yeah, you've said that before. Can we talk about something else please?" See what sort of reaction you get - that will tell you a lot.

[saraht84]

YANBU. I grew up with a hypercritical mother and as an adult I struggle with her comments. They ones about my weight are very, very hurtful.

Please don't take them to heart and please know that size 18 is beautiful. I'm a size 16/18 and I'll never be skinny but I'm ok with me.

[Meow75]

And if you do as QwertyBird suggests, do not accept bullshit along the lines of "trying to help".

How? How is constantly having a go supposed to help?!?!

[LadyColinCampbell]

What a horrible way for your mum to behave. She IBU, not you OP. Most people I know would struggle to think well of themselves with a mother like that. I'd distance yourself from her and focus on recovering from PND and on your DD- feeling happier and focusing on being a better mum to your lovely little girl than your mum is to you will encourage you to have more confidence in yourself like you deserve.

[IMurderedStampyLongnose]

Yet Ma is a bitch. YANBU to be annoyed by that.

[Missdread]

OP, that's just a horrible, hurtful and needlessly cruel thing to say for a mother to say to her child! It must be devastating to hear. I would maybe email her if it's hard to say face to face, explaining how it makes you feel and asking if she could bloody well stop from now on.

[Hairyfairybumscary]

I know I should tell her where to get off but I don't have the heart to. I know that I do need to lose weight for my health but nagging me hasn't worked for the first 23 years of my life so why does she continue to
do so?

I am terrified of DD picking up on my insecurities and issues. I don't want my mum doing the same to her either.

I'm 5"6' tall.

[Owllady]

Has my mother got another secret daughter?
It's really off, horrible and in no way helpful to anyone/anything

[Baconyum]

Tell her not to be so bloody judgemental and rude!! Mothers should support their kids - of whatever age! Not belittle or undermine them.

[miaowroar]

Is she amenable to a discussion about this? I think it is widely accepted now that fat shaming does not work - in that it doesn't enable people to lose weight. If it did, then weight loss would be easy wouldn't it?

You have been given the message since the age of 4 that you are overweight - even though you weren't. I am just amazed that you managed to lose the weight at all and keep it off. The good thing is, that having done it once, you know you can do it again, you just have to be in the right place to start.

If it really "scares her to death" and she truly wants you to lose weight, then she needs to support you, not humiliate you. The fact that she has never had a weight problem doesn't help - in her eyes it is easy, but not in yours. When people tell me this, I say that it can't be easy - if it was easy then I would be able to do it because I am really good at doing easy things!

She could support you by looking after your daughter while you went to a slimming club or an exercise class and by NOT NAGGING - and also by having your back as far as other people's comments are concerned. That means not only not passing on bitchy comments about people not recognising you but also actively discouraging them from making such comments - certainly in your presence.

Only you can know though how open to all of this she is likely to be - but I think she should understand that if she carries on doing what she is doing it is likely to have the opposite effect to the one she wants.

[AcrossthePond55]

That's absolutely horrible!

I have an aunt that was just as bad with my cousin. To the point where she'd ask our 'opinions' of her plate of food ("Don't you think 'Cousin' has taken too much? She should be trying to lose not gain!") and how she looked ("I told 'Cousin' she shouldn't wear that. Don't you think it makes her look heavier? She should be trying to lose weight'). Cousin always dressed stylishly in clothes that fit correctly and she never 'overloaded' her plate. Her overeating was always done in private, or at the very least away from her mother!

Her conversations with my mother always started with an enquiry into my weight and whether or not I had gained weight. 'Cousin' and I (all the women in the family tbh including Aunt) have to watch our weight & it's not uncommon for us to yoyo a bit. But my aunt was always rabid to know if I was 'thinner' or 'fatter' than her daughter. My mother always refused to be drawn in and Mum's attitude to my weight was that it was my own business.

As a result, Cousin has a much more hard time, psychologically, losing weight. She 'comfort eats' much more than I do.

I'll give you the same advice I've given Cousin. Tell your mother to STFU.

[catfordbetty]

Whatever you do now do it for you and because you want to do it. Try to ignore the difficult start you've been given.

[Hairyfairybumscary]

Thank you all!

It's great to have some actual support instead of put downs and criticism. X

[Wolpertinger]

YANBU. I remember quite clearly being fat as a child. Imagine my surprise to look at photos and see a skinny kid looking back at me.

Possibly no surprise then that I became a secret eater and did get fat.

FWIW I only lost weight when I got my mum to STFU. The more she nagged frankly the more I ate. Still 2 stone overweight now but I am HAPPY.

[FiveShelties]

I would have been upset too. I am always amazed that people feel it is ok to pass comments about weight/size etc. I have battled my weight all my life, been up and down the scales and finally gave up dieting. I agree with catfordbetty do whatever you want - for you, not because of anyone else.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Oh OP that's really nasty of your mum

My mum went through a phase of commenting on my weight. I moved away from where I grew up and every time I went back home she'd ask "Have you put weight on?"

Can you bear to call her out on it? I have to confess it was actually dh who challenged my mum. He just politely said that I looked great so why did she keep going on about it. She never mentioned it again.

[ouryve]

I know you say you don't have the heart to challenge her, but really, you should. You don't have to call her a bitch. You may or may not want to acknowledge that you're perfectly aware that you're not as slim as you used to be and don't need someone pointing it out to you at every opportunity. You really should tell her that she needs to make a big effort not to be so damned rude. Her comment about your jeans was pathetic and nasty.

[Hissy]

Bugger me! A long lost sister! Lots of them! But with me it was mostly my dad. Your mother is really nasty.

If I were you I'd start by losing HER, then you'll feel a lot better! Tell her off! Once and for all! Don't hold back, she certainly doesn't.

[Hairyfairybumscary]

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