Xmas related! Who to please?

[Glitzy75]

At my wits end and it's only November.

Spent last 2 Xmas at home with kids and my parents. Elderly dad with dementia and slightly younger but sick mum. Widowed mil who has spent last 2 Xmas with Bil and family. We usually do year around with my parents coming to mil but last two years they have been 2 sick to make the 4 hour round trip.

This year mil wants us at her house. My parents couldn't cope with journey. I'm now guilt tripped as my parents now going to be alone at home just another day for my mum caring for my dad who has no idea what day it is.

Would make more sense for everyone to come to mine but mil wants it at hers. If we don't go then she will be home alone. Dh wants to go to hers and i know it's obit fair as we have been home last 2 years. No matter what we do someone is upset or alone and I feel shit about it. What would you do?

[OwlinaTree]

Explain to mil that your parents will be alone and its no fun for your mum? Please can she come to you so your mum has some support?

[Chocolateteabag]

If it's at yours this year will MIL not come?
What would then happen next year? Same situation?

I guess given its been at your last 2 years, go to MIL's but explain its back at yours next year. Then spend decent chunk of time with your mum just before and just after - could even have a second Christmas with her? Or is she too ill to enjoy that?

[Glitzy75]

Sorry should have said have told her they can't come as journey is too much for my dad. Response was "don't feel you have to come"

[Glitzy75]

We have just kind of winged it last few years in all honestly not expecting dad to be here the next Xmas. He is very old!!

Mil has gone to my bil house last 2 years although has been invited to ours. She doesn't like making the journey either.

My mum very passive aggressive and guilt trip has started. Have said we could have a Xmas dinner on Xmas eve but she is ignoring it just upset she won't have a day with us all in Xmas day. Am bloody dreading it would just make more sense for all of them to come here. I know I have to be fair but hate to think of anyone alone on Xmas day

[Chocolateteabag]

Oh lord I feel for you! My mum would probably do similar if she didn't have my DBRos at Christmas.
You've had 2 christmas's with your parents - sadly it's fair to spend Christmas with MiL - ideally all at yours but sounds like it'll have to be at mil's

[Thally]

What a difficult situation. Is your MIL in good health? Could she be persuaded to come to yours? How far away is she? And do you see her often?

[Glitzy75]

Thanks folks feeling pretty rotten about the whole thing.

We see mil lots. She lives about 45 mins away same as my parents but in opposite directions we are in the middle. No love loss between them either!

Just doesn't make sense. It will just be us and mil at her or everyone could be here keeping them all happy. Mil just wants it at her house as she has been at bil house last 2 years. We offered to collect her Xmas eve and take her home Xmas night or Boxing Day but she wants to be at home. Just annoys me she will go to bil but won't come here knowing the hassle it's causing for me. Also have 2 young kids and it would be easier all round to be here. Have always gone in the past but last few years it's just not been possible due to my parents decline in health. have explained my parents can't make the journey she just said "don't feel you have to come". Aghhhhhhhh

[Glitzy75]

Sorry and yes she is in fine health

[RomComPhooey]

Who to please? Yourself. Have a quiet one at home, just you and your kids, without either set of parents and arrange to see each of them separately either side of Christmas.

I can't believe how many years DH and I spent bending over backwards to accommodate everyone, particularly when our kids were tiny. I wish I could have those years back and have a 'do over' so we could really enjoy those early Christmasses with our boys.

[Stripyhoglets]

Stay home and have your parents. Invite MIL and if she chooses not to come then tough. She can travel, your parents can't.

[TwinkleCrinkle]

Everyone should come to you. If they are able to travel or as you said - you could pick them up and drop off. If they choose to be alone instead of taking you up on your ample hospitality then that's their choice. It's not nice for anyone to be alone on Christmas but you will have tried your best to accommodate them both.

[mmgirish]

Choose your parents. She has forced you into a corner. Will your BIL go to hers (MIL) for Christmas?

[scarlets]

Just say to all ILs that you'll be staying at home with your children and ailing parents, and anyone who wishes to join you, is welcome.

[OurBlanche]

Get your DH to have a word with his DB. Then his DM.

If your parents are ailing then she really should have a heart and back off a little. Maybe with both of her boys on side she will realise how wonderful and saintly she could look, for the price of a little forbearance?

[WhenWillYouMakeMyTelephoneRing]

Everyone coming to you is fairest, so say straight out that's what you're doing. You could volunteer your DH to go and pick MIL up on Christmas morning and run her back later if she really doesn't want to stay over. But it sounds to me like they all see you as soft hearted and are counting on you giving in to their respective plans - in which case you should definitely stick with the plan that is actually best for everyone, including you and your kids.

[DeepBlueLake]

I would go to your parents, you have bent over backwards to try and accommodate your MIL. She has plenty of options to choose from, whereas you parents only have one.

[TheBouquets]

Are you an only child? If there is a sibling perhaps that person(s) could visit or have your DP. If you are an only it is so difficult when either side of the grandparents start with the guilt tripping. I had ILs who spent many years trying to guilt me with it is likely to be the last Christmas for one of them. This was there while way of life not just at Christmas.
I think maybe if you explained to all that it has to be at your house for the good of the DCs. State that you are willing to have overnighters, do pick ups, cater for any special dietry needs (fussy eaters) anything as long as the whole famly can have Christmas with DCs.
It might be a moment to say that there will be no bitching either.
I hope one day to have a Christmas that is what I really secretly want but at the moment I am people pleasing! It is a hard job but us women can cope with most things,
Good Luck

[AcrossthePond55]

Wait, so MiL will go to your BiL's house for Xmas, but she won't come to yours? That's pretty unreasonable of her. Will your parents be well enough to come to yours this year? If so, invite everybody. Whether or not someone declines the invitation is their own problem.

[iamanintrovert]

I think MIL is being unreasonable. Could you suggest that your DH go to hers for a few hours? He wouldn't want to I'm sure but it might help him to see things from your point of view a bit better.

[MillionToOneChances]

Sending her son doesn't seem the best way to make your point! She went to his brother's the last two years, now she and your parents are invited to yours. It's up to them whether they come.

I'm assuming your house is reasonably clean and she wouldn't have a reason to avoid being there...?

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Mil is being a brat by refusing to come to yours. Have your parents to yours and invite mil as well.

[Glitzy75]

Thanks everyone. We have a lovely clean welcoming home and always go all out for Christmas.

Mil is lovely, she just wants a Christmas in her home. She is a homebody and bil lives closer to her so she doesn't have to stay over when she goes there. We get on great with her but her not so much with my mum. Ironically she does not get on that well with bil and his wife and tends to just do whatever to make them happy. It's not an option for her to go there this year as he and his away working and she would not go now without him there.

My parents are too sick to make such a long journey and my father needs to be in familiar surroundings.

My husband is set on going there and I agree we have been here past 2 years due to my parents health but she has been invited here both years.

I'm running round in my head thinking I could leave after the meal and go see them but then I wouldn't be with my kids. Just trying to keep them all happy and just hate the thought of my parents sitting alone Xmas day. It won't be a Christmas for them as my dads very far gone.

Dh is set on going there now as that's what she wants and I get that just doesn't feel very nice. Bloody Christmas

[RhiWrites]

This is a problem with your husband. He needs to get past what's fair and think instead of what's possible.

[riverboat1]

God, Xmas is a nightmare and I genuinely don't know what is reasonable or unreasonable any more re working out with whom you should spend it

Mum and I are leaving DGM in her care home this year and not going to see her, having spent Xmas with her every year previously. We are her only family. There are multiple reasons why it is reasonable and we shouldn't feel guilty, not least that she says it is fine, but I still feel pretty awful really.

My first thought OP was that the distance between you all doesn't seem unsurmountable (compared to my extremely geographically dispersed family). Is there no way to do half the day at one house and half at another? Then again, its really annoying for you guys upping sticks and doing 1.5 hrs drive in the middle of the day...

God, I don't know. Sorry OP! You'd be within your rights to put your foot down and say Xmas is at your house this year and that's that. Would your DH be on board?