My patience is losing thin. AIBU to feel lost?

[cjt110]

-posting here for traffic and advice really rather than AIBU-

My son, 14.5m is really testing my patience right now and I feel horrid for feeling this way. He is going from the loviest, happiest little thing making me burst with pride into a stroppy. whingy, unsettable little boy.

Take yesterday for example, and I know he is also cutting a tooth and has a cold. Yesterdsay morning, a lovely time, building with his stacking toys together and his duplo and cuddles and just nice times. A 2 hour nap, lunch then the devil came out of him. He was just unsettled no matter what we did. even pain relief didnt help. He is kicking out, not just kicking his legs but actually kicking me any time I try and change/dress him. Won't let me clean him properly during changes. After bathtime last night it was a 10 minute battle to get his nappy and pjs on and even resulted in my husband shouting at him because he kicks me so hard.

He is constantly going/playing with things he shouldnt (I know h's a baby and that's what they do). WTAF is the fascination with the bin and the drawer. We have an open plan kitchen living area and the number of times I have to remove him from the kitchen when I'm cooking, Well I've lost count. Yet he's never in there when Im not cooking.

I just feel so stressed out by it all. I know it's all normal stuff but I hoped that someone might be able to give me some advice on how to discourage him, or at least manage my patience.

Thanks

[Wigglebummunch31]

Your husband shouted at your baby for kicking you?

Get a bloody stair gate or room divider, of course he is going to want to explore, that's why you need to baby proof things.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

He's a baby, they're annoying, his behaviour will change at some point. Mine is the same sort of age and like to try his luck with opening cupboards/drawers. I find "no" doesn't work well and the best bet is removal/distraction.

[QforCucumber]

He wants to be in the room when you're there,
He doesn't want to be in it when you're not there. i don't find that too difficult to understand,

maybe a travel cot/Play pen type thing for when you're cooking may help?

at 14.5 months he still can't really vocalise when he's in pain, or when he has a lot of energy. is it worth reducing the amount of time he naps?

[Thurlow]

Firstly, put gates over certain rooms to make them safer, and then babyproof and lock stuff like the bin and the drawers. It's not expensive, and it saves on so much hassle. Then he can be in the kitchen with you and you know he can't get into the cupboards because they've got childlocks on them.

I know it's stressful when you're in the middle of it but take a breath, take a step back and try and see things from your son's perspective. He's 14mo. He can't tell you how he feels with words. If he's grumpy and in pain, how else can he express this? Likewise what you say to him - I understand how your DH snapped, but your DS is too young to understand the words that your DH said to him.

He just wants to be with one of you, he doesn't want to be somewhere else. It's frustrating at times, yes, but you just have to make the rooms safe for him to be there too.

If it helps, with hindsight I found 1-2 a bloody awful stage.

[cjt110]

Wigglebum - yes because despite me telling him no lots he has carried on doing it for weeks.

Our living room/kitchen is open plan so he can see me wherever he is so it's not that I am out of sight.

testing Distraction doesnt always work for us, and removal is just like a game for him.

A room divider although a great idea is going to cost a fortune as the gap is about 6-8ft. Putting him in his highchair with a plastic knife or something to play with is fruitless too as he just ;launches it then kicks off because he wants to get down.

Q Yesterday was a one off - he usually naps for 30mins to 1hour 30 mins (in one nap) for the day.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

'The devil came out of him'. ??????

He is a fourteen month old baby cutting teeth and with a cold.

Of course he is going to be exploring your kitchen while you are cooking; he wants to be with you.
Move the dangerous things, put the bin out of reach, and let him get on with it. Or give him a set of plastic pans and spoons.

You learn to manage your patience. It's called being a parent.

[Uptownfuckuup]

he is a toddler
its what they do

some days I'm sure my son was put on this earth to test me (drawing on walls , hitting me and his brother, screaming at the top of his lungs) but its what they do they yes boundaries and they can't control their feelings

[Uptownfuckuup]

test not yes

[cjt110]

Goblin It's a turn of phrase. Do you have any suggestions, as I asked for, on how to help him understand no or how to manage my patience?

I feel really lost and out of my depth because I don't want to feel cross at him or shout at him. I just want to cr because I feel I am constantly moving him, telling him no, being kicked... It seems to overshadow the nice times.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

Toddlers learn about the world through exploration. They don't understand if something is dangerous or dirty so the key is putting them out of reach of it or giving them safe, clean alternatives.

They also learn from their parents. So if they hear shouting they will think that's ok

They want to be near you when they're doing it because you represent 'safe' so of course he's always where you are.

The age between baby and starting nursery is hard work. It can be frustrating when they can't communicate their needs effectively. But never think they're devils, naughty or deliberately provoking you - there's always a reason for behaving the way they do.

[ursuslemonade]

At 14 months they won't stop kicking or doing anything else because you've said/shouted no a 1000 times. Well mine didn't. It comes later. Your son is still very small.

[cjt110]

Magical Thabnks for your post. I hate to shout. I was never shouted at as a child - always talked to but when I try he - obviously - doesn't understand. I try to distract him, make other things more fun than the bin but no, it doesnt work. I feel ashamed that we have both lost our temper with him and shouted.

He is already at nursery and has been since he was 6m old. I know he's not being naughty and he's just exploring. How can I teach him the bin is dirty. or a no go zone or whatever.

[ohtheholidays]

With the bin when he wants to come in the kitchen with you put it up out of his way,with any cupboards or drawers he can get into that you don't want him to fix child locks,you can pick them up really cheapily and they're really easy to put on OP.It's far better to remove the temptation that way than to have to repeat yourself a 100 times a day OP that just builds up a stressful situation for yourself and your LO.

All 5 of our DC wanted to be in the kitchen with me when they were little and I was cooking,I did what I mentioned above and I'd also have some saucepans and wooden spoons out on the kitchen floor for which ever LO was in the kitchen with me,I also made rain makers(empty clean fizzy bottle,with dried lentils or dry rice inside them and then I'd sellotape the lid on)they all loved those and they'd keep them entertained for along time.

Another way of distracting LO at that age is to turn things that he hates having done into a game,so when bathing,changing,dressing what ever it is try things like this little piggy,row row row your boat,incy wincy spider,humpty dumpty,jack and jill.There are hundreds of different children rhymes and stories you could try.

Distraction is always a much happier and more pleasent way of dealing with tantrums and challenging behavior for the parents and the LO's.

[Fairenuff]

OP get a travel cot. It's a safe place to put him for a few minutes whilst you cook.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Sounds like Ds2. I highly recommend a playpen.

[Thurlow]

I think the key here is to turn it around. Your DS is too young at the moment to understand much of what you are telling him, or to have too much effective 'training' on what he can and can't touch (that's very personality based, distraction and removal works with some children, other children just find it a game). He doesn't know what he shouldn't play with. He has no concept that there are things he shouldn't play with. The parent needs to remove the things that can't be safely played with.

So - what can you*, the parents, do to make your living space safer/better so that the issues that frustrate your DS and so make you cross aren't there any more?

As PP have said, if you can't find a way to close off areas of the house, then get most of the cupboards locked and leave one for him to play with. If he's coming into the kitchen with you, either put him in a highchair with something to play with, or bring his toys into the kitchen for him to play with there.

As regards the kicking, I do remember a stage with DD when we would just walk away when she did something like kicking or hitting, but I honestly can't remember what age it was and possibly was a bit older - someone else will have ideas for that.

But for the house, I would sit down tonight when your DS is in bed and take a good look around the whole space and start making a list of what you need to do to make it safe. You have to work with your baby's personality - he could be an explorer for a long time, so it's safer in the long run to childproof the space, rather than spaceproof the child.

[TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton]

I sympathise op. It is bloody hard work when you're trying to be loving mummy and not shout at them, even though you really really want to. If it gets utterly too much, put him in a playpen so he can't hurt himself and leave the room for a few minutes (note the time as you go so you'll know it's only been 5 minutes when you get back, rather than the 20 it will feel like).

I used to hide in the toilet from DS1 at that age or a few months older. I had to take DS2 in with me because DS1 would have hit him.

It gets much, much better as they get older. At the moment, all you can do is be a broken record and say 'No. We don't do that' and remove child/object/yourself as needed.

We still have pyjama battles! One good move is to sit down behind them and fold your legs over their legs so that they can't escape. Get the pyjama top on, then tackle the lower half. I used to pin one of their legs under one of mine and pull the trousers up the free leg, then swap.

I repeat, it gets better......

[pudcat]

Can you buy him a small bin of his own to keep some toys in? Also give him some pots and pans and spoons of his own to play with when you are cooking. Also get his ears checked if he has a cold and is teething. He may be in pain and not like being touched when being changed etc. Just clean him as quick as you can.

[TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton]

You have to work with your baby's personality - he could be an explorer for a long time, so it's safer in the long run to childproof the space, rather than spaceproof the child.

Oh, and this! Our house was ridiculously restricted until a few months ago (DC aged 3 and 4). It was bloody lovely being able to open cupboards again!

[LatriceRoyale]

Child proof your kitchen. Can't see any reason why not to. And stop your husband shouting at him, he's just a baby. I think you are expecting too much from him at this stage in terms of understanding what you are saying.

[cjt110]

pudcat he has 2/3 tubs in the ikea unit plus a HUGE wooden cube full of bloody toys.

We have cupboard locks on the "unsafe" ones and Im not so fussed about the others. It's just he shoots like a rocket when he sees the cupboard is open. We have recessed handles too whivch he hasnt figured put yet so once closed, he just pats away at the drawer.

LatriceRoyale It's the first time in his 14m life that either of us have shouted at him. And see above. I know he won't understand - I wish he would - and thats why I'm asking for suggestions on how to deal with it all.

[Devilishpyjamas]

Get a play pen. Position it where he can see you - even in the kitchen.

[SeekretSquirrels]

Babies are never good nor are they ever naughty.
They are just babies and you have to accept that. At 14 months both of mine were exactly as you describe and it wasn't until they were much, much older that they would respond to no. I cannot imagine that shouting at a baby is going to achieve anything but fear.
What I did was to move anything dangerous out of reach. In my kitchen the lower cupboards had pans or tinned food that they could safely empty out and play with.
Use your imagination to childproof. I remember using duct tape on the fridge for example.
The kicking at nappy time is a thing. He will be bigger and stronger in a year's time and still in nappies. I used to employ the leg-over-the-baby technique to pin them down .

[Devilishpyjamas]

Have extra special excitimg toys to hold during nappy changes.

[Littlef00t]

I sympathise, I find myself close to shouting at my innocent 19mo on a regular basis.

Tips -

1. Our bin has been turned to face the wall so dd can't open the lid. I make sure to clean the outside on a regular basis so its not actually dirty. She was fascinated for a while but its boring now and the phase has passed. Alternatively get rid of the bin and just have a carrier bag tied up high, or a small bin on a counter top for now.

1. When you feel yourself getting angry, I found shaking the tension out of my hands like I was shaking water from them after drying them helped, along with a few calming breaths and 'she's not being naughty/mean, she doesn't understand, she's only young' helped a lot when I started to see red.

1. We have certain cupboards she can go in and others she can't. The one with the cleaning supplies has a lock.

1. Would a playpen work at all?