Pregnant Sister AIBU?(103 Posts)
So SIL is pregnant with twins (IVF pregnancy), & I'm feeling pretty fed up with her (please tell me I'm being unreasonable so I can shake it off) basically since she announced she has been very O.T.T, saying she can't clean, can't do anything strenuous, shes going to be huge, her sickness is terrible, basically she has said she should have bed rest because her pregnancy is precious, she rang my mum saying she had a cold, mum told her to take a paracetamol (shes a nurse) but she ignored her anyway went to the doctors who basically told her the same thing, she also keeps going on about how her babies should be very intelligent because shes been taking extra folic acid & supplements for a year.
I've tried to offer her advice about things to aid sickness, based on my experience and she shot me down saying it's much worse with twins, anything I say she shoots me down, I'm trying to bond with her over the pregnancy but she's acting like the only person who has ever been pregnant . She also said she won't be going to term (which is common with twins anyway) because her babies are more precious, she said this in front of our cousin who had a very late loss (7 months). I know IVF is very a hard emotional thing to go through but I can't seem to stop wanting to bang my head against a wall when I see her. AIBU?
It sounds annoying but I think you are being a touch unreasonable. I can only imagine how precious a pregnancy must feel after IVF and twins alone would make me feel nervous, without the added battle she's been through to get there.
Obviously the 'extra intelligent' comments etc are ridiculous, but to be honest if she's normally fine, I'd let her off the hook during her pg.
Everyone acts like the first person ever to be pregnant with their first, it is annoying to watch as someone who has been through it all before but I tend to smile through gritted teeth and let them got on with it on the basis that it's new and exciting and scary and I was probably a bit like it if I didn't realise it.
Wow that's a difficult one.
I imagine the pregnancy does feel as though it will be extra special or risky because of everything she has been through to get pg. and I would give her some extra sympathy.
However when it comes to upsetting other people (I am assuming your cousin was upset) and talking bollocks about not going to term because they are so precious, it's not ok.
I am also on your side a bit based on my own experience of sils pregnancies throwing the entire family into disarray during her two pregnancies. She had no health problems, no I've etc. And yet expected me, my dh, my mum, my dad, her mum , her dad, her cousin and her uncle to drop everything. Dbro (her dh) obviously did.
But she was in touch with at least one is everyday asking us to do something for her from about 4 months. Mum ended up taking annual leave near the end of the second pregnancy because she was being called at work to nip to the shop, bring some gaviscon, get some milk, run her to mother care etc. Dbro had taken that much time off it was effecting his job. Tbh though it didn't get much better after they were born. She asks for favoyrs most days now.
Not sure if my own experience is colouring my view a little.
that not everyone acts like that with their first. I certainly didn't. I would dispute that even most women do.
She said what to a bereaved parent!?!?!
Up to that point, I'd have said cut her some slack.
But if she can be that insensitive, I think I would say "I'm sorry, after hearing what you said to X, whose dead baby is also utterly precious, I'd rather talk about other things than this pregnancy"
Smile and wave. It'll be over in a few months. Then you ca entertain us with her mum-Zilla antics. Anonymously of course.
It won't stop once the babies come along either given past women I've known.
There seem to be two camps, those that get on with it and those that turn precious and moan there way through it using it as an excuse to do nothing.
Re the precious babies. She is probably repeating what she has been told by her consultant. They do call IVF babies 'precious' sometimes especially if the Mum.is older or is unlikely to have any more or has had a long journey of fertility treatment. She is also right that they will have recommended her being induced or c-section before term. Other than that though she sounds bloody annoying.
35 weeks pregnant with an IVF baby. I don't think mine is anymore precious than anyone else's, but I did go through more than usual to get here.
Pregnant women are not very interesting really. I bore myself with all my complaining and aches and pains. I've no idea how my husband hasn't yet filed for divorce. So, YANBU for finding her frustrating.
She, however, is BU for not being more sensitive to the feelings of a bereaved parent.
I think yabu mostly, apart from the comment in front of the cousin. Frankly you have no idea how she's feeling - if she's saying she feels too sick to clean and wants to rest and you're sneering at the idea that her pregnancy is 'precious' and offering 'advice' about how to deal with sickness (which probably is extremely annoying if she has severe morning sickness) and no sympathy, then it's unsurprising if she is becoming more spiky towards you. Saying she's taking frolic acid for intelligence - meh that's completely normal, maybe she phrased it badly but it's no big deal. The comment in front of the cousin was completely gauche, someone should take her aside and gently talk her through why that was wrong. But that someone should probably not be you op!
Axe kick, pretty much most women I have known have been precious about their first pregnancy and I imagine most of them would also deny that they were like that.....
I can see why she would be feeling like thiis as I assume she has had a struggle to get where she is.
However, if anyone tried to make out that their babies "are more precious" than anyone else's, I would have a hard time not telling them to shut up. Especially if they had said it in front of a bereaved parent.
I've had I've twins and yes I can confirm pregnant women can be boring. Be as kind as you can.
Well, it's only for 8 months or so. Just distance yourself a bit and bare it.
None of us are perfect, and she's just feeling ultra protective over her pregnancy. When you've struggled really hard ttc'ing you can become a bit frantic about it all.
Re: Things people say that are insensitive in the light of a loss: Again, it's not malicious, it was thoughtlessness, and being wrapped up in her own joy, worry, excitement, etc.
My BIL and SIL made a massive faux pas (in our eyes) not long after DH and i suffered a loss. It hurt madly, but we let it go because they aren't horrible people and we could see that it was equal measures of their joy and our misery which caused the situation.
I also don't think that most women behave so preciously with their first pregnancy. I don't know anyone who has behaved like that when pregnant, including my friends who had IVF. Bit of a moan here and there about feeling sick or tired, yes, think we've all done that, but this really over the top precious behaviour, and the idea that most women behave that way is something I have truly only come across on mumsnet.
I love the idea of mellojello's frolic acid. I think I need some this morning.
that so most women you know? It's not everyone? Yes some probably do not see it. I can agree with that. However I had it said to me, many times that you wouldn't know I was of. I had decent pregnancies and certainly not perceive them as anything different or special in comparisons to others.
And I would say most women I know didn't act as though it was the first of ever.
I have twins through Ivf and I had planned not to go to term as after everything we had been through to get there I wasn't willing to take the extra risks that occur in those last few weeks.
Twin pregnancy is incredibly hard, I haven't had a singleton pregnancy to compare it to but the hcp's all stated that sickness is worse with twin pregnancy. Don't underestimate how exhausting carrying 2 babies is.
It's very insensitive of your sil to make comments like that in front of your cousin so on that front yanbu.
The rest of it though I think yabu and you sound jealous.
Well if she's having ivf babies she's presumably been through a very emotional journey to get to this point. She's probably worrying all the time, as many pg women do. Just ignore it if possible. The comment to the sil was thoughtless, but as epona said it was not malicious.
So YABU, sorry!
The difficult bit is the IVF. Now she's pregnant she's the same as everyone else and I wouldn't be indulging all this preciousness (which seemingly has two meanings in this instance.)
Besides which all the talk of how babies are going to be born early "because they're so precious" is just bullshit - it's because they're twins and there's every chance they might not be born early anyway. My ex sil had twins through IVF, iirc she worked up until about 32 weeks and had the babies by csection at 38 weeks. And the world wasn't expected to indulge any talk of how her babies were any better than anyone else's. Oh and she wasn't the only woman giving birth to full term twins at the time, because she told of another mum who had had twins weighing 8 lb each.
So I would be inclined to say to sil "actually, they'll let you carry the babies for as long as possible because it's far better that you carry them to term." and then I would disengage.
She was really thoughtless to say that to her cousin but she is just worked up over the pregnancy. I had a friend who had ivf and it was such a nightmare process with hormones etc that we let her be a bit of an arse.
I had dreadful morning sickness and got frustrated when someone else suggested ginger biscuits- my experience is that (apart from medication) it is very personal what works and if another person would have suggested ginger biscuits I would have cried.
I wouldn't be aibu-ing now. I'd wait until she has the prescious'. That's when it'll get crazy.
I presume these are her first. So actually, she has no other pregnancy to compare it to.
With regards to sickness and so on, my twin pregnancy was easier and the sickness finished on the dot of 12 weeks. With my older 2 singletons, I felt horrific and sickness continued past 20 weeks. But that was me.
A friend who has had 2 successful ivf pregnancies was very much the same as your sil. I think because they had paid out so much money to have their babies (1 singleton, several failed attempts and then twins), they were determined to do anything to keep those babies in as long as possible. Which for her did mean quitting all the housework and doing as little as possible which could cause her to exert and induce spontaneous labour. As it happens, she went to 35 weeks.
The only thing you can do is grin and bear it, and call her out on insensitive comments like her babies are more precious than the bereaved parents. No baby is ever more or less precious than another imo.
And it will only get worse when the babies are here and she realises she doesn't have enough hands herself to do everything when you've two babies wailing to be fed, one's been sick and the other needs a balky change!!
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