threw back a polite request from Ex

(21 Posts)
Dungandbother Fri 16-Oct-15 10:48:58

I probably am BU I know

Ex has children EOW. Not allowed to send them in school uniform as he didn't have time to wash and dry.
Has them one week night and I get their dirty clothes back in a bag. Same with the underwear they wore on arrival to his on EOW.

We swing between amicable and vaguely hostile.

I asked him to take them swimming this weekend. DS is struggling with confidence having risen a group.

He asked me to send their swim stuff in case his doesn't fit. And said their washing machine is broken and they are trying to minimise loads so could I send towels.

I said I'm sure you'll manage, I have enough washing to do already thanks.

Petty but soothing.

As an aside he did F All when we were together and still is a lazy shite when having children, stuff like cooking, pack lunches is all packets and potato smiley faces, all purchased on the way home having collected the children.

We both work but he isn't tied to the house with small children every evening

MidnightVelvetthe3rd Fri 16-Oct-15 10:53:53

I see why, but I think if you ask him to do an activity during his time with the children then its your responsibility to facilitate the kids having the correct stuff, sorry.

If he wanted to go swimming & it was his idea then yes he provides the towels.

YouMakeMyDreams Fri 16-Oct-15 11:01:19

I think when you don't have a minimum effort ex it sounds ragingly petty. But as I do I cam totally see why you do it. If ex was happy to meet me half way on anything at all instead of opting out of the jobs that suit him I'd be very inclined to give a little. As he doesn't but expects me to give when it suits him the little triumphs lime not providing a towel feel good.
Yes it is petty but my ex I'd an arse that it pains me greatly to be pleasant to when I see him.

ProbablyMe Fri 16-Oct-15 11:03:46

My opinion won't be popular with many people but I think YANBU. My ex is the same. I asked for opinions on here though and was swiftly told that I I should do all the washing and put up with it.

It's nothing to do with your suggesting they go swimming and everything to do with your ex being lazy and having you sort stuff out for him. I feel that he should treat his children as living there rather than visiting when they're there and step up and parent fully and that includes the bloody washing!

MascaraAndConverse Fri 16-Oct-15 11:04:57

I agree with Midnight I'm always of the opinion that whichever parent decides to start an activity for the children, they should make sure the children have everything they need. I actually also think that parent should actually take them to the activity as well, especially if the other parent is busy.

YouMakeMyDreams Fri 16-Oct-15 11:09:05

The thing is that on here when discussions usually about maintenance come up posters always say that the nrp should on top of said maintenance supply clothing etc for the children's time at their house yet the op will inevitably be told.by many she should be supplying the towel.
Can't have it both ways. My ex hasn't so much as supplied a spare pair of pants at his house for our dc. They don't have anywhere to leave them even if he did tbh despite all his promises when we split about his house being a home to the dc. It isn't they are visiting and rarely at that. I send them back and forth with everything they need to go to his and get all the dirty washing back as well. So I am more than happy to be petty in situations like this one.

OnlyLovers Fri 16-Oct-15 11:20:19

I think YANBU too.

My opinion is informed by the background that he doesn't have time to wash and dry their school uniforms hmm and that you get their dirty clothes and underwear back. hmm hmm

LittleLionMansMummy Fri 16-Oct-15 11:32:19

I can't get past the fact that he has a whole weekend to wash and dry school uniforms but it's not possible hmm Even when we only had my dsds for a day we managed to wash and tumble dry their swimming stuff and when we had them overnight we generally washed their dirty clothes too. We would have bought them clothes for our house but dh's ex didn't seem to want that. However, you have made a specific request during his contact time so maybe yab a little bit u, especially if he's telling the truth about the washing machine being broken (if indeed he is).

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Fri 16-Oct-15 11:33:48

My ds was offered "a home" to stay with exdp. When exdp demanded weekends and holidays with no thoughts of any other arrangement.

He showed ds to 'his room', doing his best to encourage ds to visit.

It was... A corner of a very full (random junk) office. A Spider-Man ready bed. (Toddler size, used by new GF nephews). Right next to 3 cat litter trays. And beds for the 6 cats.

For some reason, ds hasn't stayed over.

It takes two to make the kids. If they are meant to have 'a home' at his place, they should have a couple of sets of 'weekend' clothes there. Washed between visits. And a bed. And a few toys. Like a home. Probably a toothbrush, hairbrush and towel too?

I expect this is more pettiness between you an ex.

What would he have said if your ds said 'can we go swimming, dad?' No prompt from you...

Micah Fri 16-Oct-15 11:35:44

I wash step kids stuff if I've got a wash going on anyway.

I don't have a tumble dryer, so it's not likely it'll be dry by the time they go home.

They're welcome to leave stuff and it'll be washed and dried by the following weekend, but as a rule weekends are my time off from washing and drying.

If my washing machine broke, then yes, I'd ask if they could bring stuff and take it home, bearing in mind I'd be walking to the laundrette and towels are bulky and heavy when wet bringing them home.

So I think you were a bit petty about the swimming. If you want him to wash and dry stuff expecting him to have it washed, dried and ironed in 24 hours on his contact weekend is too much. Get spares/him to get spares so he can have it done by the following contact.

RJnomaaaaaargh Fri 16-Oct-15 11:39:05

Coming from no experience at all of this sort of set up I think yanbu - it's one thing to ask to make sure the kids have swimsuits that fit but everyone has towels, they will need to use towels over the weekend anyway, if they swim then shower they won't need a bath that night so surely no more towels required than usual? Or am I missing something?

LittleLionMansMummy Fri 16-Oct-15 11:47:07

The thing is WhyCantI the 'couple of sets of weekend clothes' kept at the nrp's house are often viewed similarly to how kids view spare gym kits at school. Children like an array of clothes to choose from, not to be forced to wear some they'd rather not just because there isn't the same range to choose from as they have in their other 'home'. My dsds preferred to choose which clothes they brought over with them and pack accordingly - anything at ours would have been viewed as a poor relation. It's hard to create a 'home' when many fathers are given fairly paltry access (despite in our case repeatedly asking to have them more than one day a week and overnight just once a month). Thankfully they're much older now so we're over all this pettiness, but I remember it well.

m1nniedriver Fri 16-Oct-15 11:47:28

I'm usually very defensive of NRP on this site given that I have a DP who is a great dad and gets a totally shot time from his controlling nightmare of an exw. On this occasion however, I think you are definately NBU! Saying he doesn't have time to wash their uniforms hmm and asking for towels to take them swimming shock!! He is being a lazy arse! Why do you have to ask him to take them swimming? Surely that's just something a parent dies with their DC? It's not a favour to you!

To dum up, he sounds ridiculously lazy and YANBU.

m1nniedriver Fri 16-Oct-15 11:48:03

*sum up!! Must proof read grin

m1nniedriver Fri 16-Oct-15 11:49:01

Oh Lordy, fat thumbs! Excuse the typos!!

Specialsnowflake1 Fri 16-Oct-15 11:50:12

We don't wash DSC clothes here normally because they never come with a change of clothes for the next day inc underwear. So there isn't enough time to wash and dry them but we do keep spare underwear socks and changes of tee shirts and a couple of pairs of joggers.

Also if you are suggesting swimming and you know they are having issues with their washing machine then i would send towels over.

When my DD visits her dad I always pack clothes for her. I don't expect him to have a full wardrobe at his because she doesn't live there as her DSM keeps telling me.

We did try have a wardrobe for them but their mother keeps those clothes and doesn't send them back.

Micah Fri 16-Oct-15 11:55:50

But his washing machine is broken! What would you do if yours broke? Mine did recently and you have to reduce your washing quite drastically as you have to carry everything to the laundrette, or run out before it's fixed.

He's perfectly within his rights to not take them swimming if he doesn't have enough towels to get him through until his next trip to the laundrette.

You can only wash and dry clothes on a weekend visit if you have a functional washing machine and tumble dryer, and the money to run them.

Dungandbother Fri 16-Oct-15 12:03:12

Oh less YABU than I expected. shock

I guess for me, turn the tables.... If MY washing machine broke, he wouldn't do a thing to help me get the kids stuff washed and cleaned.

I know it's petty and it is related to the volume of work each put into the children.

He had the audacity to criticise DS haircut the other week. I just laughed seeing as he hasn't had a haircut in two years as a symptom of his kid life crisis.

Anyway he's text back all stroppy saying he does all his own cooking and cleaning. Ha ha you mean your OW doesn't like mug me?

MeridianB Fri 16-Oct-15 12:03:13

As a stepmum who regularly gets days-old washing sent over with DSD for no apparent reason, I am also a bit sensitive about these things but YANBU, OP.

I'm not sure if your ex is just super lazy or trying to make a point by being really petty but either way it's lame and you're right to leave him to resolve the situation.

Dungandbother Fri 16-Oct-15 12:03:54

Mid! Mid life crisis

MrsTedMosby Fri 16-Oct-15 12:06:19

YANBU. When my step kids came to stay we washed their clothing, school uniform or not. They had spares at our house (their mum was fond of sending them in clothes that were too small, and if we bought them new ones and sent them home we wouldn't see them again till they were too small, so it was easier to keep stuff at ours)

If it was a one off and the washing machine was broken then I wouldn't resent sending towels, but when he's being a lazy arse and cba to wash anything anytime, then no, he can sort it out himself.

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