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AIBU?

To record conversations made on my mobile phone

41 replies

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 18:36

In brief, FIL (who i've posted about before) has been homeless/sofa surfing/ in a tent on a campsite for the last four months.

He has been turning up more regularly at our home, saying he has no where to go and it will just be for one night.

His health has been pretty poor, he isn't eating or washing but I think his drug use has had more influence on this than his housing situation. It takes about two days to air out the room he has been sleeping in to get rid of the smell.

SIL has lost patience and insisted on him bathing and changing his clothes if he was going to stay with her - which he reluctantly did. This was about two weeks ago.

All the while he has said he is not taking drugs, although it's obvious he is, we've stopped giving money some time ago - but he gets money through car boot sales.

Two days ago we get a phonecall saying he needs 2 weeks rent money urgently as he has a place to live, DH says he can't give him the money. He then asks to stay a night saying he's fallen out with another family member and he's been sleeping in a shed for the past 10 nights. DH wants to give FIL the benefit of the doubt - I think this all sounds fishy.

As FIL is on the other side of town DH goes and picks him up, on the drive he has a really open conversation, no pressure, asking for the truth - FIL swears he will be honest. DH asks if he is taking anything at the moment - FIL says no, not for last 3 months.

DH thinks he is finally getting through to FIL who says he will now go to the homeless shelter the next morning and ask for help "as his pride has got in the way".

When he gets here, I ask again whether he is taking anything - as if he accesses drug treatment he would have a better chance of proper housing help, again he says not touching anything.

After DH left in the morning FIL asks to borrow my phone as he needs to phone a mate about somewhere to sleep tonight, something about the way he asks seems off and he's changed his story (he said he was going to the Homeless place).

AIBU to have a certain app on my phone recording that call?

OP posts:

Report

MinecraftWonder · 10/10/2015 18:40

Yes, you would be unreasonable. I can't see how 'catching him out' will be productive at all.

But so would I in your position. Sometimes you just need to embrace your unreasonableness.

lexigrey · 10/10/2015 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 18:44

MinecraftWonder that's why I came on AIBU, I know it was "wrong" - but I felt he was playing me for a fool..

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 18:47

lexigrey what help, and how? He would need to go to the council to get the help he needs, and the doctor for his health - we can't do that for him.

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 18:55

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/what_would_you_do/2097025-legal-highs-and-banning-people-from-home

Here is previous thread - can't believe it's been over a year..

OP posts:

Inthelookingglass · 10/10/2015 18:55

What would you do if you found he was taking drugs?

The guy needs help. Every one has to get together and help there father come up with a solution that has a roof over his head.

He is sleeping rough fgs. How would you feel if you where in that position.

Your home your rules. No drugs and get a bath. Then I'd rally every one get a plan together

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 19:01

I think people are (luckily for them) being quite naive here. What exactly do you think needs to happen that OP and her family can do? This man needs to access that help himself. Yes he is homeless, yes he is an addict, but OP cannot solve these problems.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 19:03

It's all well and good saying he needs help, what help? He refuses and then vanishes off for a week or so before coming back.

If I was sleeping rough, I would be doing everything in my power to get out of that situation.

He needs a long term secure tenancy, that means he needs to go to the benefit office (he won't, lies about going and tells different stories about why he can't/won't)

He needs to go to the council (can't/won't/ tells stories)

How do you deal with someone who a)doesn't want help b) refuses all offers and doesn't listen to basics like people wont give you a job because your not washing.

OP posts:

Comfortzone · 10/10/2015 19:03

It's going to be winter school family memeber is homeless. Your SIL & DH need to ed to group together to sort this out rather than keep letting him out like a cat or a dog to roam. He needs a structure to his day - trips to the library, meetings with citizens advice bureau to determine his options etc

I couldnt have it on my consicence if anything happe s to him. He needs help professionally - citizens advice, simon community, etc etc

Comfortzone · 10/10/2015 19:03

*soon not school

Comfortzone · 10/10/2015 19:07

OP cant solve the problems but DH and SIL need to be doing more. Unless theres a reason why he's being so difficult. It's a tricky one as yes we all know we need to take responsibility for ourselves and not burden others with our problems, but is this a massive cry for help from him? Does he have other children to help out? Does he realise the extent of his behqviour and how its so difficult for you all? Mental health issues with him too.

Comfortzone · 10/10/2015 19:08

I know I'm not helping OP - hopefully someone will be along with better advice

weaselwords · 10/10/2015 19:10

Trust is earned and this man has given you every reason not to trust him. However, you want to give him a chance, whilst not being made a mug of. Do everything you need to do to keep yourself safe and if that is to record phone conversations, then so be it.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 19:10

Also trying to enforce a no drugs rule is far easier said than done, would you kick someone out at 11pm because they popped something while saying they were going out for a smoke?

OP posts:

weaselwords · 10/10/2015 19:12

Oh, and loving the way that some posters are making someone's drug addiction into the OPs problem. It's not and you are not a bad person if you don't give him any more of your time/money/headspace than you can afford.

Penfold007 · 10/10/2015 19:13

I think your saying your FIL has a substance misuse issue, if so they only person who can help is him. None of this is DH or SIL's fault, they can't change the situation or solve the problem.

DH and SIL may have to step back as tough as that is.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 19:14

I have the recording, I know drip feeding is frowned upon - but I wanted to get peoples reactions to my act and reasons without knowing the outcome.

Comfortzone you are helping, I think everyone likes to think that of course you'd help a family member.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 19:16

He needs a structure to his day - trips to the library

So who should give up their job to babysit this man who can and will disappear off for days or weeks and refuses to help himself?

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 19:18

would you kick someone out at 11pm because they popped something while saying they were going out for a smoke?

I would and have.

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2015 19:20

I love libraries but seriously, if you're taking drugs, libraries don't give you the same thrill!

What did the recording say?

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 19:22

surlyCue DH isn't there yet, and I have young kids in the house :( another reason for the recording.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 19:26

Oh i wasnt saying you should kick him out now! I didnt realise he was actually there now. I was just answering the "would you" question. But of course wait for DH to decide what to do. Make sure you and DC are safe.thats your priority.

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OddSocksHighHeels · 10/10/2015 19:26

Oh it's tough. Would he accept somebody going along with him to any meetings? Does he accept he has a problem with drugs? Are there underlying MH problems too?

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 19:27

Sorry ive completely misunderstood. You mean DH isnt ready to kick his dad out? Might be time to let him hear what you have.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 19:31

The recording was apparently to his dealer.

FIL said he was sleep round at "a" and took 3 £10 bags of smoke but they had a falling out about who owed what (so he's not sleeping in a shed).

He said he would get him £100 on Monday ( hinted at more owed, explains the weird urgent money for a place to live for the odd amount, too little for a proper tenancy)

Said he couldn't get in touch with his son (this is DH, reading between the lines I think he's said DH will stand him the money).

He then asked if he would be ok to come round for a £10 bag later.( so not going to sort himself out, not going to the housing shelter).

OP posts:

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