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AIBU?

To accept I'll lose main custody of DC1?

64 replies

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 08:27

I have name changed due to personal details but I guess I do want to know what you would do, what I can do.

I am certain I want to leave my abusive marriage.

However, our eldest is vocal in that they would want to live with their dad full time and I have a horrible feeling that this would lead to ultimately the whole family being fractured and ruined - if siblings wanted to then live with them, my husband would undoubtedly twist and turn things out of context to make me sound like the bad guy (I'm no saint, but when he gets on one I sound like a psychopath, which I'm not!) and all in all I'm terrified of losing my children to him.

Do I just have to accept that DC1 will go and I will lose them? Or stay? I've stayed for the reasons I've outlined above but I am just not sure any more.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 10/10/2015 08:30

You sound as though your self confidence has been eroded so badly that you are seeing the worst possible outcome as the most probable when it really need not be so.

How old are the children?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 10/10/2015 08:31

How old is the eldest?

Below 11, they have less input on these things legally.

Why do they want to stay? Would you leave the area? Change schools? Leave friends?

How many dcs are involved?

How does stbxh treat dcs?

YANBU to be concerned.

But even if they live with one parent, they should still see the other.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 10/10/2015 08:34

How much input has your H had into childcare? I'm wondering if, after a brief honeymoon period he wouldn't want to make the effort involved in being the main carer.

DoreenLethal · 10/10/2015 08:35

Maybe, until the reality hits home.

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 08:39

Our eldest is old enough to be reasonably, though not fully, self sufficient (primary aged but upper primary.)

I suspect my husband would employ an au pair to do the boring parts and he would be then left with the 'fun' stuff.

I know he'd still see me but the effect of him spending around nine or ten days out of every fortnight with someone who tells him lies about me, about women generally, would be so damaging - I'm just worried it would ruin him as a person.

I recognise that by staying that's also damaging to him and to younger children, which is why I need support with this and in the best way to go about managing this situation.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 10/10/2015 08:39

Do not let children make decisions. Tell your DC that you will decide things such as this until they are legal adults.

I'm wondering why your DC has been put in the position to tell you they don't want to leave with you. It's not a situation or question they should be asked imo

Chocolateteabag · 10/10/2015 08:39

My opinion is that in the long term your DC will see that you didn't put up with an abusive partner - which I would hope would be the best lesson for their own future relationships.

I don't know how things would work re custody but if they don't go with you immediately then as long as you are clear the door is always open for them with no strings attached then you are doing your best.

Please do leave him though - that is the best thing for you and ultimately them too even if it's not the "easiest/cleanest" option for them now. Kids can be pretty self absorbed and won't necessarily think of anyone but themselves for a while, but they will in the end.

Good luck Flowers

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 08:47

QuiteLikely - I haven't, but this information has been shared with me voluntarily so I can only assume he's twigged it's a possibility, which may be because some of his friends at school only live with one parent.

Even if I have main custody he still has access.

Chocolate, I hope so, I really do.

OP posts:
SaySomethingCool · 10/10/2015 08:49

It might be worth moving your post to relationships OP, there's lots of people there who can give you practical and emotional advice/support with your situation.

Good luck Flowers

Spartans · 10/10/2015 08:53

How old are the other children?

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 08:53

A bit younger: youngest isn't at school yet.

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 10/10/2015 08:56

I think below a certain age they don't have a say as to where they live. Are you primary carer at the moment? Is there an official record of his behaviour?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/10/2015 08:59

Can you afford to go and get some legal advice? Some solicitors will give you half an hour for free but that's not likely to be enough time for you to get much advice.

Grazia1984 · 10/10/2015 08:59

Don't assume you are the best parent for the children of course - sorry to be so objective! Many chidlren do well living with their fathers. Anyway assuming they would be better off spending more time with you, I think age 13 is the age the courts start to pay a bit more attention to child's views. Before I divorced I paid for an hour's meeting with a divorce lawyer before I'd even decided to divorce just to find out whether the children would be likely to go to their father or to me. As our older 3 (teenagers) definitely would choose me - they had been asking me to get rid of their father - the lawyer said the younger 2 who were too young to decide would not be split from siblings. (We both worked full time and the youngest were about to go to school so neither parent spent more time with the children).

I would pay to see a solicitor for an hour for proper advice if I were you at this stage in secret. Also relevant facts will be if you both work full time - who is the current primary care giver as the status quo is often preserved on divorce and also housing. Which of you or your husband would stay in the house and would the other one be able to afford their own home for children to stay?

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 09:07

I have seen a solicitor thanks - it should be that he is entitled to access but if our eldest wants to live with him, then he can.

I don't assume I'm the best parent because of my sex. It's more to do with me not being an abusive bullying knob Wink

OP posts:
Vixxfacee · 10/10/2015 09:10

If your husband is abusive then regardless of whether your son wants to stay or not then you need to take him with you!!

differentnameforthis · 10/10/2015 09:13

I would be worried that my dc would be the new "target" for the abuse once I left, so no...they'd be no leaving anyone behind.

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 09:14

But if he states explicitly that he does not want to live with me full time - and in fact even if he does - he still has unsupervised access with his father.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 10/10/2015 09:14

Don't assume you are the best parent for the children of course I think where one parent is abusive (even if toward the other parent) then the non abusive parent is the best parent.

Vixxfacee · 10/10/2015 09:17

You are the parent and you make the choices not your primary school aged son. You are the adult and you know what his father is like. Just like you're protecting yourself by leaving , you need to protect him too.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 10/10/2015 09:18

I agree that if you are leaving someone because they are abusive you don't leave your child behind with them. Sounds like an awful situation Flowers

TheHouseOnTheLane · 10/10/2015 09:19

I don't see how a child stating that he doesn't want to live with his Mother when his Dad is an abusive bastard could have any weight in court.

Do you have any police records of Exes behaviour OP?

Take him to court over it if it comes to that. Your DS does not know what is best for him.

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Grapejuicerocks · 10/10/2015 09:24

If you don't fight to keep him and then he realises what his father is really like as he grows up, he'll resent you for leaving him with him. At least if you try to get him then he'll be secure in the knowledge that you tried.

Unless are you saying that he'll accept just dc1 and not fight for the others, but if you fight that then he'll go for them all?

He would probably employ an au pair. How would you manage? Do you work?

You mention you are no saint. Is this really true or has he done such a number on you to make you think this?

Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 09:24

None - and he's not an ex yet, unfortunately!

His behaviour has been awful but not exactly unlawful (in a way I could prove) - as far as my child is concerned, even if I have primary custody, if he then states he doesn't want to come home, what then?

The police won't act (he's with his parent) and there's nothing you can do. I've seen this happen before with someone I used to be friends with and she still has no contact with her middle DC.

OP posts:
Leavingsosoon · 10/10/2015 09:24

I work, yes - and how would I manage - I'm not sure :)

I would manage but I haven't put any plans into place yet; I don't even know if I can leave!

OP posts:
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