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AIBU?

What to do next really awkward situation mil

68 replies

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:04

Posted before- I need help with way forward pls.
Long story short- dh went nc with his sis 2 yrs ago due to her behaviour (sulking, controlling, aggressive). Through this his dsis not happy and made this clear toward dh and me online. We tried to keep mil out of it as she's very close to his dsis (holidays, daytrips etc) so we didn't say anything negative to her about her dd.
Over time mil has tried to reconcile the two it hasn't worked and dh has ended up with more abuse from his dsis so he asked his mum to stay out of it altogether.
We married recently when mil found out her dd wouldn't be invited she went nuclear at dh and me- shouting at me even though I was pregnant. She was awful and vicious all in front of our toddler dd :(
She refuses to apologise to me.
I have basically avoided her since our wedding as I can't get over some of the things she said to dh and me. She blames me entirely got the situation with her dd even though I didn't know the half of it for months.

Anyway the awkward bit- I have been able to avoid her and go out when she visits but about to give birth and I will be feeding dc again so obviously I can't pop out in the same way. I feel she should see the child but I feel weird about being around someone who obviously has so much anger towards me.

OP posts:

Report

YakTriangle · 09/10/2015 08:06

I'm not sure that she should be around your DC if she can't show a basic amount of respect and civility to their mother, actually. Has your DH ever tackled the issue of her being so vile to you?

Penfold007 · 09/10/2015 08:07

I remember your original post, congratulations on your wedding. What is your H doing about this situation? I wouldn't have her in my house.

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:10

It's more difficult I think because she's normally perfectly civil and we have a distant but polite relationship- that outburst was the first time in ten years we've had a cross word. We were by no means close and I got the impression she didn't particularly like me before obviously the confirmation of it wasn't nice.
If she had apologised I would have felt I could move on but her refusal makes me feel uneasy as she obviously doesn't see what was wrong with her behaviour.

OP posts:

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:13

Thanks penfold it very nearly didn't happen but dh was wonderful and bar a couple of pa comments from mil on day it was very nice.
Dh doesn't want me to be stressed while pregnant so he is very supportive over me avoiding his mum but not sure he will be so understanding if this carries on- he's upset she won't apologise.

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 09/10/2015 08:15

I would avoid the door bell ... failing that record all visits to show DH.

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:17

Dh would always be here when she visits I've never seen her on her own in ten years, she wouldn't come if he wasn't here.

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 09/10/2015 08:18

Simple let mil come round and you go for a 'nap' before she arrives. If baby need a feeding let dh bring baby up to you in the bedroom

weaselwords · 09/10/2015 08:22

In a similar situation I used to just go upstairs.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 09/10/2015 08:23

Second nap idea. Plus then you also get a nap.

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:40

A friend suggested the same I think I could do that but at some point I would need to see her like when I'm first introducing the baby or in the future DCs bdays etc

OP posts:

diddl · 09/10/2015 08:47

Does your husband want her to visit?

I understand the nap comments, but why should OP have to hide in her own home?

How far away is MIL?

Could your husband nip round between bfeeds?

Really, MIL is not the important one here & as a pp says, does she even deserve to see this baby?

I mean her adult children have fallen out.

That's sad for her but managable I would have thought.

Raging at her son & OP certainly won't achieve anything!

Does she also rage at her daughter??

Anotherusername1 · 09/10/2015 08:49

Can't DH introduce baby to MIL? Do you have to do it?

Can't DH take kids round to MIL around their birthdays?

diddl · 09/10/2015 08:50

X post there.

No, you don't need to introduce your baby to her or have her there for your children's birthdays!

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:53

No diddl she completely sides with his dsis which I think made her explode at us when she realised dsis would not be invited. She completely refused to come to wedding as she didn't want to upset her dd only at the eleventh hour she decided she would come and sulk
It does feel like I'm hiding from her already- I'm sure she would see it as that too but I know if I saw her she would upset me too much right now- I'm not strong enough in this situation to deal with that ATM.

OP posts:

Grapejuicerocks · 09/10/2015 08:53

I don't think dh has really got your back. If you really are the innocent party and it was mainly dh's decision to go nc with sil, then dh needs to make this very clear it mil and ensure she apologises and acts civilly to you.

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:54

What I mean is its so raw still this has just happened last few weeks then bang baby will be here- I needed more of a gap for dust to settle and compose myself but baby won't wait.

OP posts:

stoppingbywoods · 09/10/2015 08:56

If having this woman in your home and your children's life is what you 'want', then I really think you would be best to stop in and brazen it out when she visits next. You can't spend your life popping out of your own house. If she was polite but distant for ten years, there's reason to believe she could keep that up for another ten.

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 08:57

Grapes he has told her several times to apologise, he's also told her no more drama in our house and never to speak to me like that again (pregnant or not). If he decides further down to like to go nc with her then that's up to him but its his mum- I just wish we could sort all this out fed up of the bloody lot of them and their ways :(

OP posts:

ToTheGups · 09/10/2015 08:59

I was in the same situation. I let Mil come round the day we got home from hospital thinking we would build bridges and the woman completely ignored me. I said hello when they came in and she didn't even acknowledge me at all even though I had just given birth to her grandchild and she was in my home.
From then on exp took ds round to her but somehow we made up, I don't remember what happened, I think I went there for dinner or something.
When ds was 1 Mil threw me and my dc out of her house (over a row that do had with his sister), needless to say she didn't see any of us after that. After a year exp started taking ds round again but I didn't have any contact.
Now two years on ex lives with his mum and if I see her at pick up or drop off we are civil and polite.

Greengardenpixie · 09/10/2015 09:14

Its simple, dont have her around. Have your dh take the baby to see her. She needs to apologise. Your dh has to have a word. If she is unwilling then she has to accept you will cut part of her family out and she will not see the baby. Your dh has to make that clear.

Knitknatknot · 09/10/2015 09:18

Do you think we should more for an apology? When she came round last week she said 'take it I'm being avoided' and he said yes she's still upset because of how you spoke to her - you really need to apologise but because she agreed the day after it all happened to call round my dh says leave her a couple of days first she's been really upset- mil said she will not apologise ever as she was not 'allowed' to speak to me the next day. Dh was worried as I had hosp app so I can understand why he wanted me to have space before seeing her again but I wish it had happened as it wouldn't be so bad now :(
She point blank refused to say sorry though she said the apology is 'withdrawn' (!)

OP posts:

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 09/10/2015 09:19

I would suggest it would be better for your dh to visit MIL rather than have her come to your house.

OP I know how tough this kind of situation is. I aim to only see my FIL at large family gatherings where I don't actually have to speak to him. Things got a lot better for us once we took charge of the situation.

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diddl · 09/10/2015 09:27

If she has to be told to apologise then it really isn't worth it imo.

If she didn't apologise almost immediately off her own bat then it's more than likely meaningless & just to curry favour.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 09/10/2015 09:32

I'm not sure I'd hang out for an apology. It doesn't sound like it's going to be forthcoming or that it would actually be meant if it was offered.

Instead I would chat to your dh about what is and isn't acceptable to you and how to enforce those boundaries. Slightly different situation for us (but started with a huge row so I have been there) but we use a mixture of ignoring and changing the subject. (Small children are an immense help when you first start this - it's amazing how often they need attention/nappy changes/cuddles etc) We are clear between ourselves that if things got bad again we would just leave. Dh has very quickly ended a few phone calls but interestingly now we refuse to engage with the lectures/ranting, we've never got to the leaving stage. In the early days, we always used to visit them so we were in control of what time we left.

Grapejuicerocks · 09/10/2015 09:40

I still think it's up to dh to sort it out.

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