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AIBU?

Help...am I being unreasonable?

82 replies

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 00:28

Hi, long time lurker, first time poster.

Had a bit of a reaction from my other half this evening, feeling furious but wanted a sounding board to see if I'm being mad!

Went out walking today, something I do fairly often, had new boots which DP knew I wanted to try so decided on a walk which would incorporate visiting a friend about an hour away after I was done (I visit this friends a few times a year).

When I came home and went to sit on sofa with glass of wine DP asked if that was what I was going to wear for the rest of the evening (sportswear) so I went upstairs to change. On way back downstairs I noticed TV I had taken out of ds's room and put on landing had gone. I'd been given a second hand tv and was going to put it into ds's room as his current one sometimes has dodgy sound but new one wouldn't fit on the shelf so both were sitting on landing. DS has friend coming over after school tomorrow so I had said i'd put old one back for now.

Anyway, DP said he'd got rid of old one when I asked if he'd put old one in the attic (which is what I'd assumed he'd done) and when I asked again he said he'd given it to his friend. Now I felt quite annoyed that he'd given it away without asking me, it's not his stuff to give away and I was going to put it back in ds's room. I don't care about the tv, if he had asked I would have said yes his friend could have it but I'm very annoyed at the not asking, I wouldn't dream of giving away his things without asking no matter what their condition.

Bizarrely he kind of went a bit nuts about this, saying I was totally out of order when literally all I said to him was I thought he ought to have asked me first.

He then went on to accuse me of distracting from the issue, asking where was I today when I had told him I was out walking then going to my friend's, and kept him up to date all day with what I was doing so I'm hellish confused as to what's going on!!

OP posts:

Report

gamerchick · 08/10/2015 00:42

Why did you go and change clothes?

It sounds like he was spoiling for a fight after stewing on where you were all day to me.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 00:46

Tbh I do usually make an effort and dress nice but I was quite knackered so I did intend on just crashing out on sofa but when he said that I thought I should change, wasn't a big deal really as I probably would have changed in a bit

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fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 00:48

But i don't know why he was stewing as I've visited this friend regularly since we've been together, it's nothing new.

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Mmmmcake123 · 08/10/2015 01:09

Mmmm not having any of it. Change clothes on request, wtf, unsure if you are right to be put out about a pants tele going missing. Is this a member of staff from moneysavingexpert dilemma page?
Hey ho, if I was intending to change but told to I would wear the sweats for days. No mention of friend being m or f, clearly to draw is in.

CrazyBoo · 08/10/2015 03:01

Why wouldn't it be "his stuff to give away"? All the household goods aren't yours specifically, are they - they belong to the house, really, so perhaps he thought you didn't need asking, especially as it was on the landing. And maybe you weren't that clear about your plans for a two-hour walk, with a visit to friends in between.

The clothes change though - dependent on tone, that COULD be somewhat U.

CrazyBoo · 08/10/2015 03:03

My DH, though, will often tell me to go and get changed after work. What he's meaning though is 'go and make yourself comfortable.' There's nothing bossy or unkind about it.

Senpai · 08/10/2015 03:29

Is this TV's yours as in DS is from another marriage and you brought it into the house. Or is it both of yours as in DS is both your child and both paychecks go towards his care?

The first makes him out of order, full stop. The latter, is negotiable since it's his as well.

The reaction is definitely unreasonable. But it looks like he was trying to pick a fight. If you refused to change clothes he probably would have blown up about that.

captainproton · 08/10/2015 03:44

Your friend, any chance he might think you are having a wild love affair? You walked all day to be with them.

Did you communicate your thoughts about the TV beforehand or expect him to mind read? And if neither of you can mind read best to have a conversation?

I think I would be pissed off at being made to change, unless it's like when DH comes home from Work and I ask him to change out of work clothes so he can properly relax and eat dinner with me. I.e. Motivational request not dictated to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2015 04:01

Not impressed with any of his behaviour, tbh.

He knew where you were going - so why the interrogation?
He could see you'd been walking because he commented on your clothes and you felt the need to change them to appease him - so why then ask where you'd been?
While you were out, which he knew about, he clearly managed to have time to take your DS's old tv to his friend, because he knew you'd be out a while, so why ask you again about it?

He took the tv without asking, despite not knowing what you were in the process of doing and now is turning things back on you to put you on the back foot/in the wrong because you didn't appreciate him giving your/DS1's stuff away.

He shouldn't have taken the tv to his friend's without checking with you if it's ok.
He shouldn't get to make you change if you are too tired or don't want to - fuck that! YOUR choice, you're an adult. I make DS1 change out of his school uniform/sports uniforms when he comes back because I don't want to be washing food stains out of them - but he's 7! I think that's fine! I don't tell DH what to do in terms of his clothes because he's an adult and can work it out for himself (I do refuse to hug him when he comes back from playing tennis because he's a massive sweatball and a bit stinky but I don't make him change unless he wants to)
And finally - he shouldn't turn things back on you to wrong-foot you because he's done something he shouldn't have - that's SO immature it's not funny.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 07:47

Hi, thanks for your replies,

DP is not father of my kids, although we've been together a few years he moved into my house and most of the stuff here is mine and we have separate finances etc. Like I said, i don't care about the tv, it was the not asking.

The friend is a female friend, one I visited a few times a year, I just thought it I went out walking in that area I could then go see her after, DP knew I'd been planning a walk for days, but yesterday morning I decided to also visit her.

As for the clothes, he hates seeing me in sportswear, so it was definitely a 'go make yourself more presentable' thing accompanied by a look of disgust.

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HaydeeofMonteCristo · 08/10/2015 07:56

The clothes thing, he was bang out of order. Who is he to tell you what to wear? He hates seeing you in sportswear? Don't move past the just dating stage would be my advice to him.

The tv is a lesser thing but he is still u. To give it away if not his, and not to ask. More so to get cross with you when you questioned him.

Checking up on you all day is mighty weird too.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 08:08

To be fair he wasn't checking up on me, I just meant that I sent him various texts letting him know what was going on, ie my friend asked me to stay to dinner so I told him that and let him know when I'd be home when he asked me. I wasn't even home late, it was only just gone half 9.

I'm really confused about him saying what was I doing all day, he even said 'I'm not usually jealous but...' I can came home in sports gear, my rucksack is in the hall and there are dirty walking boots in my car! It's not like all of a sudden I've taken up walking, I've been doing this since we've been together. He also said it was as if I'd started an argument to distract from something else.

I don't know whether to confront him about this or just leave it

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CocktailQueen · 08/10/2015 08:13

He hates seeing me in sportswear, so it was definitely a 'go make yourself more presentable' thing accompanied by a look of disgust.

He is VVVU.

Giving away a broken TV? Should have checked with you first, maybe, but presumably thought that ds would have the new one instead? And who wants a broken telly??

Sounds like he was in a shit mood and took it out on you. Does this happen often?

Hullygully · 08/10/2015 08:22

As for the clothes, he hates seeing me in sportswear, so it was definitely a 'go make yourself more presentable' thing accompanied by a look of disgust.

RUN NOW AS FAST AS YOU CAN RUN RUN RUN

Penfold007 · 08/10/2015 08:22

Ah so you stayed out for most of the day/evening and he had to care for your children! Then at 9pm you had the audacity to chill in sports clothes. He was spoling for an argument.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 08:23

Tbh yes, taking out a shit mood on me is not uncommon. I just saw him now as I went downstairs for painkillers and I said I was sorry we argued but didn't understand why he reacted so badly and he had another massive go at me saying did I want him to give me money for the crap tv to which I replied it's not about the tv, I just thought he should have asked is all ( I didn't have a go when I mentioned it last night, literally just said perfectly nicely that I thought he could have asked me and then he blew up). He said I'm massively overreacting and behaving like a child and causing arguments when he's the one going off at the deep end. I really don't want to go back downstairs now but I really want a cup of tea!!

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fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 08:24

Didn't even have to look after the kids as they were at their dad's!

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MrsTedCrilly · 08/10/2015 08:28

The clothes thing is disgusting. Why do you have to look presentable in the comfort of your own home!? He sounds awful.

maybebabybee · 08/10/2015 08:34

Oh god, that clothes thing is such a major red flag. My OH couldn't give a stuff if I'm in a dress and heels or a slobby pair of trackie bottoms

Sorry OP, YANBU.

flanjabelle · 08/10/2015 08:36

I think some of this is a bit of a red herring. What is important is his general attitude towards you. The tv is not important, but his reaction is. The attitude about clothing is not ok. I pretty much live in pjs at home, they are comfy. Dp only ever comments to say how lovely and snuggly I look, then usually gives me a cuddle.

This relationship doesn't sound right. It's not ok to be treading on eggshells, and its not Ok for him to cause an argument and blame you. It's not ok for him to look at you with disgust and its not ok for him to hound you about where you have been, and who you have been with.

tbh I would be looking at him with suspicion. He sounds like there is something he is hiding and he is trying to rewrite your relationship to make himself feel better about it. Any chance he could be cheating op?

Eveysdad · 08/10/2015 08:42

Mext time he goes fishing all day or whatever hobby he indulges, you should give something of his away, see how he likes it.
Then tell him to get changed and make himself presentable at gone 9pm? My gf is in her old onesie and dressing gown with makeup removed by 8pm every night lol. "Presentable" only counts when going out, at YOUR home you should wear what YOU like.

He sounds like a typical man child who's in his 40s and acts like hes under 4. Lmao.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 08:45

No, is extremely unlikely he's cheating, he doesnt ever go off day/eve without me knowing, tbh he never goes anywhere of an evening anyway. I do have a few hobbies and he has none, he actually hates me doing one of them and I get plenty of grief about it although he has learned moaning gets him nowhere as I'm very immoveable about that one.

He does tend to project though when he's in the wrong

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fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 08:49

He's very good about talking about going fishing/hunting and buying bits for said hobbies but literally NEVER goes! He does play computer games but that's it. If I haven't put my make up on yet or dried my hair he comments, to be fair I'm pretty picky myself about looking nice and pretty much always have make up on so guess he's used to me always being that way?

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Topseyt · 08/10/2015 08:50

He is an arse.

I wouldn't have gone and changed for him either.

If he'd asked me whether or not I intended to change then the answer would have been a flat "NO!"

The TV was yours to do as you wished with. Him not asking was just presumptuous and downright rude. I would have made no apology either, as he deserved what you gave him.

maybebabybee · 08/10/2015 08:56

fiery I always have make up on too but on the rare occasions I don't my OH wouldn't dream of even passing comment on it. He doesn't care. Don't make excuses for him as this attitude is not ok.

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