to not know how to cope with this… and to feel like leaving?

[bettyboo1984]

Hi all,

My dh and I are both quite prone to depression; we've had our ups and downs over the years but usually one person will be up while the other one is down and we can help each other through it. 2 years ago he lost his job and started up his own business and since then he has been getting progressively more depressed, angry, stressed and negative. He is majorly irritable a lot of the time, doesn't sleep, has IBS, backache, headaches, a really negative view of everything, gets angry and into fights with people over any small thing when we go out.

Since I had our dd 6 months ago, I've been diagnosed with depression myself and I am really struggling hard to get well. I have taken proactive steps- i.e. have been referred to counselling, am trying to eat well, getting out every day, trying to meet other parents, going to baby groups etc. I am just finding it really hard to recover whilst living with him and him being the way he is. He works from home quite a lot so if I don't go out, I have to listen to him ranting and raving about work all day. He loves the baby and says he hates going to work and leaving her. Yesterday I hadn't slept all night and was doing some games with the baby and he looked at me and said "oh that's how your day goes is it? Lying down and playing games with the baby?". It really upset me and I said so and he said he was joking. The day before I had overhead him telling someone how proud he was of me for being a great mum and that he doesn't know how I do it, looking after the baby all day as it is very hard work… so I feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I never know if today will be a good day or a bad day.

When he is feeling ok, he is wonderful, but the proportion of 'ok' days has been steadily decreasing. It seems that most conversations we have are about how tired he is, how stressed he is about work, how everyone in the world is an idiot, how he's had a fight with someone. The other day he started going on a rant about how people are only nice to each other because they want something. He says me and our daughter are the only things that make him happy in life. Tbh, I don't enjoy his company much these days and sometimes I dread going home.

I sent him an email yesterday with an article about men and depression and how it often makes them angry, negative and unable to sleep (all the symptoms he has) and said if he thought he had it to let me know and I would help him any way I could. He said he thinks he does have depression and wants to get help but he doesn't want it to get in the way of him providing for me and the baby (I think he means he has no time for counselling, exercise or anything that the article suggested because he is always working). I'm not entirely sure why he is so obsessed with making money for us as I earn a good salary and saved up for years so I could take maternity leave without worrying about money.

I should say, he is also an artist and has been neglecting his art while he's been focused on this business, which I'm sure doesn't help. I fell in love with him because of his creativity, passion, intelligence and kindness and it is rare to see any of this in him anymore- he seems like just a shell.

I see there is a lot of support for new mums with postnatal depression but I'm struggling to find anything for new dads. I love him and really want to help him but I feel like I need to look after my own sanity too. At the moment I feel like I just want to get away from him for a while, which I'm sure is unreasonable after all we have been through.

Any thoughts?

[ScrumpyBetty]

He definitely needs to make an appointment with GP for referral for counselling/cbt or whatever, and prescription for some anti-depressants might help too. I think you need to be really firm with him, explain how much his depression is impacting on you, and how hard you are finding it, and tell him that if he wants to save his marriage and family then he needs to get himself sorted. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot carry on this way much longer and neither can you.
Glad you are being proactive and finding the help that you need.

[IceBeing]

I wonder if running the business has taken him away from interacting with others a bit. When I get depressed the first thing that goes is my desire to socialize and without that socialization I spiral downwards fast.

Is there a way to get him back out into the world doing a hobby regularly?

That might be enough to tip the balance again and get him improving?

[Hellocampers]

He needs to understand that he needs to access help.

Go together to see your GP.

This is so tough for you both op. My thoughts are with you both and I very much hope you get help.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

You can't fix him. Part of the process of him getting better is taking responsibility for his own condition. Could you go through the finances with him to show that there is enough money to allow him to take his foot off the accelerator for a bit.

He needs to see the GP and get some help.