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AIBU?

To cancel MIL babysitting?

39 replies

needingtovent · 07/10/2015 10:01

Next month my DP has a significant birthday. MIL has offered to stay at our house to look after dc (she lives in another county) as I have arranged a spa weekend with us, DP's closest friend and his DW. I never asked for her to 'babysit', she made the offer when we were talking about his birthday a few months back. That is the situation now.

A bit of backstory, to try and put things into perspective....

MIL has a terrible habit of letting us down. When I was pregnant, and through mat leave, she made many offers for childcare and many promises. We never asked, always took the attitude that we chose to have dc so childcare is our problem. All throughout we kept asking if she still wanted to stick to what she had offered and gave many, many opportunities for her to back out. Even said out straight that we needed to know if she wasn't 100% happy with what she has offered so we could arrange childcare, as it's easier to sort ahead of time. No, she said, she meant what she said and she wants to help.

Fast forward to my first month back at work.......4 times in that month she let us down, citing precarious reasons 'I can't pick up dc as your father has booked us a table to go out', 'I can't pick up dc as the traffic will be really bad at that time of day' etc. In that first month I used up all my carers leave as I had to leave my shift to pick up dc (she always gave very little notice, either the night before or on the actual day). In the end, I went on permanent nights as I was finding it impossible to sort out childcare at such short notice Sad At this point in time I was NC with my family (just in case anyone was wondering why my family didn't help).

Last weekend was the latest let down. Both my DP and I ended up being booked to work on Sunday. This is very rare, we are normally very good at marrying up our shifts to stop this happening. DP happened to mention on the phone to MIL that he will take Sunday off. Her response was 'Oh, don't do that, I can come and look after dc for you'. DP said not to worry, he was due a day off anyway but she insisted that she would come and look after dc. On Friday came the phone call...'I just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to look after dc on Sunday, it's too far to come and return in one day' Confused

So my AIBU finally .....I have spoken to DP and now revealed his birthday surprise Sad I really wanted to surprise him on the day but, after the weekend, I really feel I can't trust MIL not to let us down at the last minute. My mum, who we are now back in contact with, has offered to have dc for the weekend and I know my parents won't let us down. I said to DP that I would like him to tell his mum not to worry about the weekend as I have made other arrangements. He doesn't want to do this as it 'may upset her'. AIBU to cancel her and use my mum instead?

OP posts:
reni2 · 07/10/2015 10:25

Would your dm agree to be stand-by in case MIL cancels if you explain the situation to her? That would be easiest, if MIL does cancel just never ask her again.

If your dm would not be a stand-by, my gut instinct would be to cancel her, tell her why. Her cancelling babysitting is not a big problem, but her super late notices are.

DoJo · 07/10/2015 10:28

YANBU - she wasn't bothered about upsetting you the previous million times that she let you down and you don't want your whole weekend to rest on someone unreliable.

BarbarianMum · 07/10/2015 10:31

You were NC with your family a few months ago but now it is fine and you want them to look after your dc for the weekend? I can see why your MiL is not a good choice but really?

needingtovent · 07/10/2015 10:31

DM has agreed to be stand-in but I would prefer to just not put ourselves in the situation where we are let down at the last minute IYSWIM? I would rather just use my parents (who live in the same town as MIL!). DP doesn't want to upset the apple cart and just cancel his DM though as he thinks it's U to cancel 'just in case'.

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Gatehouse77 · 07/10/2015 10:32

Ask your DH if he minds upsetting you instead? Given the organisation you've put into his birthday weekend.

As above, I'd ask your parents to be on standby in the knowledge that it is highly likely they'll be needed.

From here on, make your own arrangements and tell her it's all sorted (even if it isn't!).

needingtovent · 07/10/2015 10:34

Barbarian my dc is nearly 4 and I have been back in contact with my family for about 16 months, not just the past few months. The time of NC obviously gave my mum time to reflect and we have had many talks to clear the air and get back on track. We now have a good if not a bit guarded relationship.

Hope that answers your confusion?

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pluck · 07/10/2015 10:34

Better to have kept it a surprise so he couldn't allow his mother to let you down again!

At least your parents are reliable, and of the same "status" as her (if it were a paid babysitter, a grandmother might have been able to persuade him that she "trumped" "strangers").

How many times is DH going to let her let you down before he stops giving her chances? Does he ever take time off when she flakes out, or are you the only one to suffer?

DoreenLethal · 07/10/2015 10:35

DP doesn't want to upset the apple cart and just cancel his DM though as he thinks it's U to cancel 'just in case'?

You know she will cancel, so when she does just say 'Thanks but we knew you would cancel as always so we had already lined up someone reliable.'

Defenderwife · 07/10/2015 10:35

Have you asked Mil why she agrees and then changes her mind citing such rubbish reasons? Have you also explained the predicament she puts you in when cancelling at such short notice?

needingtovent · 07/10/2015 10:37

I have written a post some time ago on another thread that could give a little more background but I don't know how to link.....if anyone feels the need feel free Smile

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reni2 · 07/10/2015 10:37

Since your dm agreed to be the stand-by on this occasion I'd see it as MIL's last chance. She cancels again, you will know never to ask again, no need to upset her now.

Topaz25 · 07/10/2015 10:38

YANBU to cancel your MIL babysitting. She has already caused significant disruption to your lives, since you had to change your whole shift pattern when she didn't provide promised childcare, don't let her disrupt your weekend too. Why don't you phrase it to your DP as concern about his mother, since she is obviously overextending herself and taking on things she can't cope with, as well as concern about her reliability. Also point out that on a practical level it would be expensive as well as upsetting to cancel the weekend if childcare falls through. It's not 'just in case', it's logically very likely that she will cancel, based on her track record. She seems to take saying yes to looking after the children like saying maybe, not a binding agreement. Having said that, it is surprising to me that you would leave your children with your parents when you previously had such severe problems with them that you were NC. Obviously up to you but isn't there a more neutral option. Is there any chance that part of your DP's reluctance to change the arrangements is because he knows your parents are the alternative?

Topaz25 · 07/10/2015 10:39

Sorry x-posted about the NC

LidikaLikes · 07/10/2015 10:44

Say what Doreen advised above.

My own in-laws can be like this, so I've said similar myself several times.

YANBU.

needingtovent · 07/10/2015 10:45

I actually feel so sorry for my DP. He is fully aware of her flakiness but doesn't seem able to tell her straight. When she phoned on Friday he put the phone down and started crying and saying he was so embarrassed that she had done it again Sad

MIL knows the predicament she puts us in when she lets us down. When I went onto permanent nights after the epic failure of return from mat leave, she had the audacity to say that she didn't understand why when she has said she will pick up from nursery (we have never asked, nor wanted, for her to provide any other form of childcare apart from nursery pick ups).

In 16 months my parents have had dc for 3 full weekends. This was them asking to have him because they wanted to spend time with him. In nearly 4 years PIL have never offered to have him overnight and we have never asked my parents have also come to ours and stayed several weekends since we moved here last year, PIL have stayed twice (I think)

OP posts:
needingtovent · 07/10/2015 10:48

I only have 1, very lively, very beautiful, very funny ds Grin sorry for the confusion, there aren't multiple children for pil to look after.

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purplepandas · 07/10/2015 10:48

I would send to my parents. I would cancel the MIL in this case.

Mrsjayy · 07/10/2015 10:48

I dont understand why you rely on her if she unreliable i know she offers but why dont you say no its fine when there is a strong chance she will let you down she seems flakey dont feed it you are on pins worrying if your weekend will be spoiled, cancel her say its a bit of a way to come we have made other arrangements dont buy into her drama.

LidikaLikes · 07/10/2015 10:53

OP, further to my last comment.

I have 2 DC, both a bit older than yours. One thing I've worked out over the years is that my MIL likes to hear herself speak the words of offering to help. She likes to be seen to be offering, as she gets some sort of "I'm a good granny" vibe from the words leaving her mouth.... But she shits herself once we agree and take her up on the offer, then she backpedals and tries to get out of it.

Sounds a lot like your MIL :(

What's your FIL like? What was your DH's relationship with his DP before your child was born?

pluck · 07/10/2015 10:53

Now I'm feeling a bit stressed for you, in case she doesn't cancel, thereby depriving you of the nail-in-the-coffin evidence for DH!

PunkAssMoFo · 07/10/2015 10:55

I would cancel mil & tell her precisely why. Perhaps she will think before letting you down in future.

needingtovent · 07/10/2015 10:59

Been trying to find my post but not very good at AS.I saw the thread yesterday...Can't say it in RL? Say it here (or something similar)

It's weird seeing pp writing about MIL 'drama'. If you were to meet her you would not believe her to be dramatic. She's tiny, very softly spoken, very non-confrontational. You wouldn't believe it from my obvious annoyance on here but I actually get on well with her when we spend time together Confused

I think DP keeps agreeing to her offers because he really wants, just once, for her to pull through and actually follow through on an offer and not let us down. Such a shame because he just gets upset when the inevitable happens and I get more pissed off

OP posts:

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HoHeyChick · 07/10/2015 11:01

You know she will cancel, so when she does just say 'Thanks but we knew you would cancel as always so we had already lined up someone reliable.'

This.

RobotLover68 · 07/10/2015 11:01

I would go with the stand-by of your mum option

If MIL lets you down this time, make a decision never to ask her again

I agree with the PP who said MIL likes to hear herself speak the words of offering to help. My parents were like this and an ex-friend - when it came to the crunch though, of taking them up on the offer (usually last resort) they wouldn't come through

She isn't going to change so you need to move forward without her

needingtovent · 07/10/2015 11:02

Oh Lidi if only I could find the post I keep referring to......that has much more back story to it.

MIL doesn't even know that my parents have had ds for weekends at a time, DP hasn't told her in case she 'feels pushed out'.

OP posts:
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