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AIBU?

To think people should visit poorly relatives in hospital

82 replies

Ninarina · 07/10/2015 09:45

My mum has been in hospital for a week now and is still v v poorly. No sign of being discharged. We visit every day, twice a day, but noticed that a couple of ladies on her ward have had no visitors at all. One lady had been there a month with no visitors. I thought she was out of it but she started chatting was coherent and said she has two daughters and a son who is married. Where are they??? She needed slippers but no one brought her any so staff put towels on her feet. It's so sad. Another woman was wailing and seemed in distress. We put the TV on and she knew all the answers on The Chase so clearly all there mentally. Why do people not visit their poorly families? Apart from child sex abuse what could their mothers have done to make their grown up kids abandon them like this? I'm from Asian family so it's inconceivable to me and I hope I don't sound awful but this breaks my heart. Can anyone please explain?

OP posts:

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BarbarianMum · 07/10/2015 09:50

It is very simple:
Some people have no family.
Some people live hundreds/thousands of miles from their family.
Some people are not very nice. The not very nice person may be the one in hospital, or the one who should be visiting.

I have also known of cases where people with dementia do get visitors but forget they've been so feel abandoned. Very sad

mumblechum1 · 07/10/2015 09:50

My mum is terminally ill with Alzheimers. She lives a 500 round trip away.

I take one week in four off as unpaid leave to go up and see her. This takes 5 trains, entails staying in B&Bs and it's cost me almost £20k over the last 18 months to keep this up not counting loss of earnings. Sometimes she's in hospital, sometimes in a hospice.

I hope no one is thinking what you're thinking about my not being there twice a day every day

Sidge · 07/10/2015 09:51

I live 250 miles away from my mum.

I am a single parent with 3 children, one of whom is disabled. All 3 have school.

If my mum was in hospital for any length of time I'd try and visit once or twice at a weekend but there is no way on this earth I could visit regularly.

My brother lives in Australia. He obviously couldn't visit.

Don't pass judgement as you have no idea of the circumstances.

Salmotrutta · 07/10/2015 09:53

Well, their children might live very far away, have their own children's school stuff etc. and just can't physically get there.

Of course it's sad that they have no visitors but you don't really know anything about the background.

And how do you know this lady hasn't had a visitor for a month if your mother has only been in a week?

I don't think Asian families are the only families who visit relatives in hospital?

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 07/10/2015 09:55

So the fact that my mother was a violent, emotionally and mentally abusive neglectful alcoholic and regular drug user who I haven't spoken to since she tried to punch me when I was pregnant, isn't a good enough reason for me to be NC and not give a fucking shit if she was ill on hospital?

ODFOD. There are a plenty of things a mother can do their children to warrant them being cut off. I'm glad you live in a world where you can't imagine such horrors, not all of us do.

MrsMummyPig · 07/10/2015 09:59

people may live miles away, have small children, a demanding job, transport issues, there are a number of reasons possible and none of them anyone else's business.

Tyrannosaurus · 07/10/2015 09:59

My Nan is in her late 80's and is frequently in and out of hospital. We all do our best to visit her, but she lives up North, and the rest of the family are in the South. When she is in hospital for an extended period it is entirely likely that she will go days at a time without a visit, despite our best efforts.

Duckdeamon · 07/10/2015 10:00

YABU and judgmental.

Chattymummyhere · 07/10/2015 10:02

Because sometimes the elderly don't want the family members who can visit seeing them like it. When grandad goes into hospital he bans all his grandchildren/great grandchildren from visiting which leaves one daughter and one son who live in the same country who hold down full time jobs along side arranging all the at home care when they come out etc.

Maybe the ones who could visit distance/work wise cannot due to suppressed immune systems.

Salmotrutta · 07/10/2015 10:02

mumblechum - I've learned never to assume anything and I'm sorry about your mum .

And to you as well TillITook.

Don't pay any attention to the OP who is either a judgemental fool at best or a goady type at worst.

Sidge · 07/10/2015 10:02

Oh and just because a patient tells you she has had no visitors doesn't mean it's true, however coherent she may appear to be.

I used to have many patients upset that their son/daughter/spouse hadn't visited until I pointed out they'd been there yesterday and the day before and the day before that...

Knowing the answers to The Chase doesn't exclude the possibility of dementia.

eltsihT · 07/10/2015 10:03

We would love to go and see my mil in hospital, however she is having chemo and due to the children having, cold etc haven't yet been to see her yet as we don't want to make her sick, however lots of other people in her ward have had visitors who have sneezed all over her and she has ended up even sicker.

Scobberlotcher · 07/10/2015 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 07/10/2015 10:03

As someone who treats people in hospital it is very rare that no one visits during the whole stay (if long) of someone. You do get some people who may not have family etc. Sadly some people do forget visits as time doesnt matter once in hospital. A day stretches into a week without you noticing. Alot of family live long distances from other members of their family and can some family due to work can visit eg at weekends etc. you being misleading saying asian families only visit their families. Can i generalised too and say usually asian families live closer together in one location making visiting easier. Mn regulars will hate that generation.

Lweji · 07/10/2015 10:03

I'm sure you'll feel so sorry for the poor lady with no slippers that you'll buy her some cheap ones.

Did you ask them about their relatives and where they are?

SoupDragon · 07/10/2015 10:04

Once when my mum was in hospital she specifically said she did not want any visitors. Should have disregarded her wishes in order not to be judged?

It would have take me an hour and half to get to where she was and my eldest brother would have taken nearly 3 hours.

You really can't make any kind of judgement based on your limited snapshot.

Dawndonnaagain · 07/10/2015 10:04

I will go to my mother's funeral, just to make sure she's in the coffin with the lid nailed down. I would not visit her in hospital, I don't visit her at home.

NorbertDentressangle · 07/10/2015 10:04

Even if family lives nearby it can still be difficult especially if they have young children - eg. some wards don't allow children on them or visiting times are often restricted and if they overlap with school pick-up time it can make it difficult.

Missrubyring · 07/10/2015 10:05

YABU, you shouldn't judge their families until you know their circumstances.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 07/10/2015 10:05

My mother spent a year in hospital, I didn't visit once (I hadn't talked to her for a year before or in the years since either).

I was judged by her friends, workmates and anyone else who would listen to what a terrible person I was for leaving her to fester there.

Not many people know the shit she put me through because she is very good at putting on the 'poor hard done by little old lonely lady' act.

Judge away, you know nothing about their families.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 07/10/2015 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 07/10/2015 10:06

Not everyone can go and visit. My parents are six hours away by train and I don't drive. Luckily they're fit and healthy for now, but if they got sick I wouldn't be able to go and visit. I don't have over £100 for train fares and it would involve taking time off work (unpaid) which I can't afford to do, especially with no notice.

It doesn't mean I don't love them. I would go and visit if they were still living here, but they chose to move and with that, I think there has to be some understanding that I couldn't drop everything for them unless it was a dire emergency (i.e.. a death or something really serious). I just can't afford to drop work and go, especially not on a regular basis.

Salmotrutta · 07/10/2015 10:09

Lweji - good points about the OP buying the lady some slippers (Tesco do them for a couple of quid) and how the OP knows this about who has or hasn't visited.

Did you conduct an enquiry OP? Ask them intrusive questions?

Mistigri · 07/10/2015 10:09

People may live long distances from hospitals. There may be no affordable transport to get there.

When my husband was in hospital and our car was out of action I took the kids a maximum of once a week, because the only transport option (apart from relying on friends giving up half a day of their time to take us) was a £100 round trip in a taxi.

My cousins didn't visit my aunt when she was in hospital because they have both emigrated to Australia for work.

greatbigwho · 07/10/2015 10:12

My grandmother appeared perfectly lucid and could answer all the questions on TV quiz shows etc perfectly when she was in hospital with a brain tumour.

She also used to sit and cry to me about how her family were horrid and how no one ever visited her and how lonely she was and how she wished we'd all get brain tumours and be abandoned by our families so we would know how it felt

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