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AIBU?

To be fed up with my MIL and her rude advice?

94 replies

Givinguph0pe · 06/10/2015 18:57

Tetchy relationship with mil for many reasons, mainly because she is very attention seeking and demanding and has been difficult since ds was born 6 years ago.

Ds was a tricky baby, he had a traumatic birth, was prem and had colic and reflux. He was not a good sleeper to say the very least. I'm now pregnant again. Saw MIL at the weekend and conversation went as follows:

Mil: you spoilt him that's why he wouldn't sleep.
Me: you can't spoil a baby.
Mil: you should have just left him to cry.
Me: you can leave a newborn to cry.
Mil: well that's what I'll be doing when I have dc2. They've got to learn.
Me: not when they're newborn!
Mil: suit yourself, don't learn from your mistakes then. You obviously went wrong somewhere last time. I had four babies and they all slept beautifully.
Me (sadly only thinking it): fuck off!

Who on earth does she think she is? My parents would never ever speak to dh like that. Why does she think it's ok to say 'I obviously went wrong somewhere.'
She is full of such scathing comments. Oh and she used to call herself 'mummy' when ds was a baby. As in 'come to mummy.'
Cannot stand it!

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Hypotenuse · 06/10/2015 19:03

YANBU, at all. Your DH needs to have a word.

Are her kids something particularly special that she feels her parenting techniques were so spectacular? Have they, for example, been to space, cured some horrific disease, or pulled people from burning buildings? Or are they just normal people like the rest of us. Unless they're fucking fabulous individuals, she IBU to think anyone gives a crap about how she parented thirty or so years ago, let alone wants to be schooled by her on it.

You just relax and grow that baby. She'll soon shut up when she realises nobody is listening.

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Chottie · 06/10/2015 19:08

I think your MiL has selective memory regarding her 'perfect 4 children'.....

The comments she makes to you are bang out of order. Smile, nod and ignore. Your baby and your ways. She's had her time as a mother to young children.....

p.s. I am a MiL too Wink

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Givinguph0pe · 06/10/2015 19:09

Sorry should say 'you can't leave a newborn to cry.'

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Givinguph0pe · 06/10/2015 19:10

I will be a mil too possibly one day but I will make absolutely sure not to be so rude. It is rude. There's no need at all for it. And frankly if she's going to leave my newborn to cry she won't be having much unsupervised access.

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LadyLonely1 · 06/10/2015 19:12

Yanbu, can you limit your time with her. She sounds really overbearing and disrespectful towards you. What does your dh say?

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/10/2015 19:12

How about "actually MIL I'm not looking for any advice. Rest assured though, I'll ask you specifically if I want your opinion on how to parent our children".

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Mehitabel6 · 06/10/2015 19:13

Don't engage - there is no need to reply. Stick with a very non committal 'really'- in a neutral tone without a question mark.

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Givinguph0pe · 06/10/2015 19:14

Dh says she just 'says what she thinks' as though it's to be admired. Unfortunately I think it just translates to being very rude and unkind.

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Lunastarfish · 06/10/2015 19:16

I have a similar issue with Sil - always giving suggestions/advice when my dd is crying.

Despite only having her baby a few months before me she seems to have forgotten what it is like to have a little baby. I just ignore her now. Completely blank her if she tries to give advice.

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Givinguph0pe · 06/10/2015 19:16

She also advised me not to have a c-section (consultant has recommended I have one) because then she'll get to show the baby off more quickly to her friends as I won't be in hospital as long. Apparently it's 'lazy' to have a c-section.

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goawayalready · 06/10/2015 19:17

i hope your not letting her babysit

personally if my mil had told me she would be leaving my child to cry i would have told her i don't allow people to abuse my children and she will never be babysitting

i also would have said fuck off out loud

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Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 06/10/2015 19:17

She calls herself mummy to her grandson??? Confused that is weird! Why would she do that?

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goawayalready · 06/10/2015 19:19

oh yes ive had the "im only being honest" excuse rude people use i asked if they could try a bit of kindness too? (if im feeling nice)

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TheImminentGin · 06/10/2015 19:19

I would not ignore or nod and smile. I'd be telling her that if that's what she plans on doing then she won't be having the children to stay. I would calmly and politely tell her that her comments are unwelcome and rude and that if she cannot think of anything pleasant to say then would she please stop talking.
Better still get her son to tell her from the both of you.
Surely ignoring will lead to a lifetime of this crap.

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Lunastarfish · 06/10/2015 19:20

Oh and calling herself mummy is Not acceptable. Part of my issue with Sil is that I think she acts too mum like towards my dd - I swear if she could get away with breastfeeding her she would!

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junebirthdaygirl · 06/10/2015 19:21

Don't bother answering her. Or Just something totally banal like oh ya. Could also say..Oh we will have to agree to differ on that. Keep smiling. It will all drive her mad. She is talking nonsense as you well know but let her just ramble on and let it all over your head.

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RolyPolierThanThou · 06/10/2015 19:23

Well in the plus side, she has let you know that she's not babysitting material.

Id just not talk to her about how things are going. If she asks after sleep just say everything's fine. Its not as if you'd be getting either sympathy or useful advice from her. Might as well talk about the weather for all the use she is.

To handle her rudeness, the only advice I can offer is to a) genuinely not give a fuck what she thinks and b) see her as a source of comedy. Some relatives are like badly drawn sitcom characters.

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Mehitabel6 · 06/10/2015 19:26

It really doesn't 'lead to a lifetime of crap'.
If you never actually discuss or argue they eventually get the message- all without making it difficult for DH.
You just nod, smile, put in a few 'reallys' -and if pushed go for a very mild 'it suits us at the moment' and carry in doing your own thing. You can't hold an argument or discussion with someone who won't take part.

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/10/2015 19:26

hypotense

One of my kids did pull someone (one of my other kids) from a burning building they got an award for it and everything.

Got jack shit to do with my parenting she was a little madam and incredibly stroppy for years! Grin

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/10/2015 19:29

"Oh bless your heart, MIL - it is just so amusing to hear such outdated and funny advice! How do you manage to keep a straight face when you say that?"

Or:

"The museum is calling - they want their childcare advice back!"

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Mehitabel6 · 06/10/2015 19:29

I agree junebirthdaygirl - people always feel the need to rise to the bait whereas the smile, nod, ignore will drive her mad- because there is nothing she can do about it!
As RolyPolier says - why let it bother you- let it flow over and see the funny side!

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EponasWildDaughter · 06/10/2015 19:32

well that's what I'll be doing when I have dc2. They've got to learn.

Shock

The arrogance!

I'm afraid my answer to that one would be - ''well, in that case you aren't having them then! Glad we got that cleared up early.''

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Hypotenuse · 06/10/2015 19:33

Needsasockamnesty
You have permission to hand out all the parenting advice you want. Seriously, go nuts. Also, Jesus Christ that sounds terrifying, were you just a wobbly mess drinking wine for weeks afterwards?

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feebeecat · 06/10/2015 19:33

How does she know they all "slept beautifully" if she just ignored them, they could've been up to anything?!

My mil also told me I was spoiling my 10 day old dd by picking her up when she cried. I took her advice though - every time mil picked her up, I took her off her, tutted about spoiling & ran out of the room put her down again. She soon quit with that one. Unfortunately she moved onto other little gems, but I developed selective deafness/dd learnt to run away under her own steam.

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Hellocampers · 06/10/2015 19:40

Why would your mil have sole charge of your child?

Seriously she called having a C section lazy and she calls herself mummy to her grandchildren?

Gosh.

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