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AIBU?

AIBU to ask you for a kick up the arse...(possibly sensitive) [title amended by MNHQ]

20 replies

chelle792 · 06/10/2015 17:50

What a sorry situation.

I had a miscarriage a month ago at 11 weeks. Have really struggled since. On Friday the doctor put me on sleeping tablets (which I'm trying not to take).

I'm freaking out about my wedding (one month tomorrow). My dress, which i bought before getting pregnant no longer fits me as I put on weight while pregnant. I bought a second dress which makes me really sad as I bought it a couple of weeks after I lost the baby. Trying to slim into dress one bit despite dieting and exercise doesn't seem to be shifting (I haven't been cheating!!). Now considering dress three all cheap as chips as they are of the rail

I've been having awful nightmares about the wedding. We were going to cancel initially but decided not to. I want to get married. I want to be married. The organising and sorting is overwhelming on a lack of sleep.

In a panic this morning I messaged all of my friends asking them to come to the reception only (its an all day reception so doesn't make any timing difference for them). Explained what was going on emotionally (they know about miscarriage).

Basically, I'm a wreck. I am exhausted oh is also shattered I don't want to cancel my wedding but just don't seem to be recovering as my energy is going on the wedding and going to the gym to lose the weight.

Please can someone give me a kick. I need to do this.

OP posts:
FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 06/10/2015 17:53

Oh you poor thing it sounds like you've been through the mill recently.
Is it worth sitting down with your DP and really thrashing out what "must" be down for your wedding and what really isn't so important.
If getting and being married is what's important, and you're able to celebrate it with friends and family, then very little else matters.

ktkaye · 06/10/2015 18:11

You poor thing, what an awful time. As other posters have suggested, speak to your OH and make a list of (both) your priorities... I would imagine having a relaxed and memorable day will be top of both your lists - way above any of the fiddly things which seem so important in theory, but aren't on the day. In which case spending the next few weeks pushing yourself to lose weight/organise loads at a vulnerable time will only push you further away from what you seem to be most looking forward to... Which is being married. A bright spot on what has been a difficult time.

If you can afford it, go and choose a lovely
dress which you feel great in now, as you are, and try not to stress about losing weight. You can sell the others when you are ready. A confident beaming bride in a nicely fitting dress which suits her figure is far more beautiful than an anxious strung out one who has lost weight in a rush. Don't forget your husband to be will think you are totally beautiful whatever you wear. It is how YOU feel in it which counts.
Give yourself permission to downgrade everything that isn't vital to take time for yourself and your other half. You are grieving and you need time for this. Resting and eating well will help. Consider taking the tablets, a couple of night's rest may well do you the world of good, everything feels so much worse when you are tired. You don't say why you don't want to take them but if you are worried about getting dependent on them, try not to. They serve a very useful purpose if they are used as they are intended, which is a short term solution for sleeplessness. Best of luck Flowers

chelle792 · 06/10/2015 18:28

ktkaye I've taken a couple. The doctor said I'm not allowed to take them every night but to be honest, the nights I've taken them I've still be restless. She said it was a low dose but they would up them if necessary. they also want to put me on anti anxiety medication.

I few years ago I was very ill with depression (a year off work) and just don't want to go back there. My therapist is looking after me though!

My wedding is pretty much as relaxed qs it can be. It's so informal and non traditional that there isn't even much to organise apart from music and a few decorations for a small tent.

I've booked to go and try on another dress on Friday. I hope it fits ok as I tried it on when I bought dress number two but it didn't fit perfectly. My body has since started to adjust back so I've dropped some and it might fit now.

It breaks my heart that I've cancelled on my friends but I think they will all be understanding of the situation. I'm.lucky to have such lovely people in my life.

We are meeting photographer, caterer and going to the venues this weekend so hopefully I'll feel better after that.

I'm going to be an exhausted looking bride at this rate!

OP posts:
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 06/10/2015 18:42

Hello OP
So sorry about your mc - we have as you've requested added a warning to the thread title.
It does sound like you've got LOADS of things on your plate - hope that you can get some support on here and indeed RL.

Kindest
MNHQ

ktkaye · 06/10/2015 18:47

Keep going. Feelings of depression/anxiety and exhaustion in the face of two stressful events is a very normal reaction. It's great you are seeing a therapist to help you through it. You sound very self-aware which is a big part of the battle against these feelings. And of course your friends will understand, it is your day and I'm sure they will be only too happy to support you however you need. I hope it all falls in to place for you this weekend x

Claireshh · 06/10/2015 19:41

I had a miscarriage before having my two children and it totally and utterly broke my heart.

The only thing that made it better was getting pg again. I followed the Deanna plan (Google for details) and fell of quickly when we followed it.

As for weight loss after miscarriage I know how you are feeling. I had a miscarriage last October and another at the end of July. It takes a while for hormones to settle down. I was 10.5 weeks with the most recent one.

The weight will come off. Short term lower carb yields fast results and really helps with the hormonal bloat.

I don't have a crystal ball but I'm pretty certain you'll fall pregnant and everything will be ok next time. Gentle hugs though. It is such a traumatic thing to go through. You and your partner will have a family I'm sure. Xxxxx

Starkswillriseagain · 06/10/2015 20:05

I'm so sorry for your loss. If you want to talk to someone about mc, I can empathise, I've had that sorrow myself too.

You have to do what's best for you, whatever that is. Your friends will understand.

crumblybiscuits · 06/10/2015 20:12

After having my angel at 16 weeks my metabolism slowed right down unfortunately. Just wanted to share so you didn't think the weight not coming off is your fault. Flowers for you OP Flowers

Trooperslane · 06/10/2015 20:30

I've had at least three.

Last one was at 14 weeks - horrendous physically and mentally and I took 3.5 months off work. I wasn't functioning.

6 months later, I'm getting there but it takes time. Energy is hard to scare up - don't be too hard on yourself.

Massive hugs.

MrsPCR · 06/10/2015 21:46

Hey Chelle sorry to hear you're still really struggling with your loss. Just remember how excited you were about your wedding and what it means to you and your DP.

You often hear, however awful and challenging it is now, most people 18 months from now will have their baby and you just have to hold onto that.

For now, focus on the wedding, and then maybe look for a new job. If you're spending 9 hours a day doing something you hate, that's never going to be good for your mental health.

I recall you planned to start trying again after your wedding? Try not refrain from becoming too intense too quickly. Plan to do things in the future that you couldn't do if you're pregnant eg. Weekend away at a spa. If you're pregnant, you won't mind missing it. If you're not, it's something to enjoy and look forward to.

Good luck and I look forward to hearing about your wedding. Revive the POAnythjng thread with some happy news. And remember, whichever dress you wear, as long as you're comfortable in it, you will look amazing.

Stay strong. The miscarriage is awful and I can only imagine what that pain must feel like. But really try to focus on the positives.

Flowers

Brummiegirl15 · 07/10/2015 00:39

Hi Chelle

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had 3 mcs in 9 months last year - darkest , most painful year of my life.

I just wanted to say big hugs and try to get through it one day at a time , one foot in front of the other.

Try to focus on your wedding if you can, so that your life isn't just about tremendous pain.

The thing that kept me going is remembering that the night is darkest just before the dawn. Basically, no matter how dark it ever gets, the sun will always rise.

You will get through this. One day at a time.

I thought I would never recover, and on my 4th attempt ( and I've had all tests there is nothing wrong with me) I am now 23 weeks pregnant.

Do not lose faith and never ever give up

Flowers

Yarboosucks · 07/10/2015 02:11

You don't need to be given a kick - nature has already done that. I had a MC at just under 20 weeks, the week before we were supposed to be going on a dream trip to New York. I didn't want to go, but my friends almost dragged me to the plane! The flight was awful, I felt bad for getting on with life…. But actually, it was a good healing time for both me and DH and I have bittersweet memories of that trip. Carrying on with your wedding is fine, I want you to know that. Enjoying your day and celebrating your love for each other is also fine and good. Ask for help with the wedding, I am sure your friends will rally round. Be kind to yourself and each other and as others have said, it does get better. I wish you a long and happy marriage!

Senpai · 07/10/2015 04:57

I can't offer advice on any of this.

But I will say going on anti-anxiety medication was the best thing I've done for myself when I was going through a rough patch. It might be worth it to try.

Also, don't stress about the weight, I've seen brides that look beautiful big and small. I was a bit chunky on my wedding and still looked great. No one even noticed. Wink

Baconyum · 07/10/2015 05:59

Flowers sorry for your loss. I've lost 3 angels but my rainbow is sleeping next door. A streak of 14!

Re dress could the smaller dress be altered? Take it with you Fri and ask, it depends on the style and how 'too small' it is but you'd be amazed. I used to work in a bridal boutique and the dressmakers were magicians!

Be kind to yourself, you don't need a kick, the anti-anxiety meds may take a while to kick in, but take the sleeping meds at least sometimes even a restless sleep better than nothing. Also, check with Dr, but you could try things like chamomile tea and lavender oil to help with sleep?

Consider waiting a wee while before trying again as you need to recover physically and emotionally. Bear in mind medics consider a pregnancy within a year of mc higher risk for a reason. But you needn't wait that long, I'm sure Dr/gynae/midwife could advise.

Take care

Thefitfatty · 07/10/2015 06:10

So sorry for your loss :( Sounds like you're having a tough time and you need to take it easy. Not only are your hormones going to be playing up, but it's nearly impossible to lose weight when you're really stressed (your body increases the amount of cortisal it produces which makes you hold onto fat because you're body thinks it needs it).

I would sell the two dresses you bought for what you can get for them and buy a new one that fits and makes you feel good. Or I would see if you can get the one you like let out a bit or altered to fit in someway (I had to for my wedding! My grandparents died within 10 days of each other 2 months before my wedding when I was stuck in Qatar and couldn't get home to be with them, it was a really hard time and boy did I stress eat and drink!).

Get some rest, give the gym a break for a bit, and try and focus on enjoying your wedding!

chelle792 · 07/10/2015 08:44

You are all so lovely, thankyou so much. I've read all of your kind words and will read them all again later.

Dress one is currently at the seamstress - she's able to add two inches but thinks it won't be enough (dress has previously been altered as it's second hand).

At the moment we haven't dtd since the miscarriage and are now going to wait until after the wedding. We don't want to try again until after the baby's due date. We are going to plan a proper honeymoon for her due date (march) as we only booked a cottage locally for the week. I didn't want to travel while pregnant as I was really sick.

yarbo I think bittersweet is the right word.
mrs pcr lovely to hear from you! Hope you're doing well Smile I'm confused about my job comment? I'm self employed and it's really cushty these days Blush

I took a sleeping tablet last night and although I was a little restless, it was better. Super drowsy and sleepy this morning though

OP posts:
MrsPCR · 07/10/2015 21:05

I'm doing well thanks Chelle. At 16 weeks I think the morning sickness might be finally passing. I definitely read about a job Confused I don't know where I got that one from!? I think I must have read another post just before about someone who had had a year off work due to depression recently and confused it when replying to yours. Glad to hear work is going well.

Don't be so hard not yourself. Remember you have lost a child. The second you found out you were pregnant, you became a mum and started to bond with that child. Flowers stay strong.

chelle792 · 08/10/2015 09:25

Ooh no, it was me then!! I had a year off but never went back so then decided to start my own business.

Sixteen weeks! Wow Grin are you showing yet? I would have been 17 weeks this week. Has your morning sickness been really bad??

OP posts:
MrsPCR · 11/10/2015 10:53

Yes I've got quite a bump already. Other than my dresses from white stuff, none of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit anymore. Most tops are too tight across the bust and short on the belly!

My morning sickness was quite bad, partly because it went on for so long as throwing up daily at least once from weeks 4-14. Still sick randomly every few days now but I think anti-sickness meds are helping.

Enjoy the last couple of weeks before your wedding!

chelle792 · 11/10/2015 18:59

I'm glad the meds are helping. That must be a welcome relief. I was really sick in the early days - literally every time I ate!

The wedding is all coming together now I've been back to meet the owners of the venue. Starting to get really excited now!

OP posts:
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