Am I a bitch?

[Crazycatlaydee]

Long and boring alert!

I have a dtwin sister who I'm very close to but we have quite a tempestuous relationship (mid 20s). We're living in the same house right now which is fine but as much as I love her (and I do - if she wasn't there id really miss her), we can be unnecessarily cruel to each other (verbally) and sometimes just don't know when to stop. It's uncontrollable, we just don't know how to talk nicely to each other (but funnily enough we can have a laugh and a joke when with company and can be civil then).

Her big thing to use against me right now is that I'm a bit of a failure (I was maybe the more traditionally academic one at school but she went to the top top uni and I went to an academic but less prestigious one)... I'm actually having some time out of uni atm which my family didn't expect so that's why I'm fair game for this.

My "thing" to use against her is that she doesn't have friends This is patently untrue but i had a closer friendship group in the past and although it's a nasty thing to say, I say it when she upsets me (in anger) sometimes. She has told me how she hates it when I say it, and I do feel guilty and horrible.

I guess my point is, is it half and half? Am I the bitch? More importantly how can we get on??? I would really love to. If anyone has similar sibling stories and now you both really get on would love to hear

[PansyGiraffe]

You're both unreasonable bitches and very immature with it. It clearly is controllable, because you both manage it when other people and social niceties are around. You choose not to and just fall back into old patterns the rest of the time.

[Crazycatlaydee]

Pansy bit harsh! I'm really not proud of either of our behaviour, I'm not saying this because it's how i normally behave, I'm mentioning it because it's out of order and nasty! We all have things we do that are awful and this is my most hated thing about myself. I'm asking for advice on how to change, I know a lot of people (for better or worse) do transform into petty teenagers around their siblings so to label me an "unreasonable immature bitch" is pretty rude, no?

[PansyGiraffe]

"Unreasonable" - you're in AIBU.

"Bitch" - in direct answer to your question.

"Immature" is all me I admit, and sorry if it's harsh.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Just stop saying it? If you can control yourself when you're around other people you can control yourself when you're not.

[Gruntfuttock]

Yeah, you're a bitch.

[helenahandbag]

You both sound bloody horrible. I have one brother and we didn't get on as kids - fairly normal - but we're now 25 and 19 and, generally speaking, get on like a house on fire. We haven't said anything deliberately nasty or spiteful since we were children.

[LadyLonely1]

Yes you were nasty but surely if you want it to stop you just stop? You both need to grow up, and behave like decent adults.

[DoreenLethal]

mid 20s?

Crickey.

[DontBuyANewMumCashmere]

Maybe it's a twin thing. I would never speak to my family, who I claim to like, like that L, and I never use someone's weakness against them in a point scoring argument.
You do sound immature to my mind.
Way to transform? Stfu, bite your lip, and think of something nice to say to her.

[Crazycatlaydee]

Fair enough everyone.

With respect I think maybe a twin relationship is a bit more difficult at times than the average. Helena, your brother is 6 years younger than you. That's different.

Admittedly we could both try and be kinder and that's something I do honestly try to do.

[Spartans]

In answer to your question you are both acting like bitches to eachother. The fact that you can control it in public means you choose not at these times.

You say her having no friends is untrue, as though that means it shouldn't hurt. It obviously does.

It hurts you to have your 'failure' thrown in your face. Even though you aren't a failure, you are taking a break. The term 'failure' is untrue, but it still hurts you.

Both of your should grow up and control yourselves.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Time to grow up a bit, eh? Get over the teenage thing that you both seem to still have going on.

First point - if you want to stop it, then stop rising to her bait. If you stop, she might stop too. If you keep answering in kind, then she'll keep on too.
You can't change her without changing yourself first - her behaviour is likely to change in response to changes from you.

SO! Learn to be nice to her! tell her that you love her and don't say the bitchy things you have been saying! Let her be mean without copying her - hopefully she'll soon stop.

In other words (yes, yet more) - be the bigger person and grow up first.

[whois]

No advice, but someone should be along with some useful tips on how to break out of the negative interaction.

Recognising it's not healthy is a good start.

Does your sister feel the same?

Maybe a break from each other would be good? We're things better when you were away at uni and saw each other less frequently?

[Spartans]

I know a few sets of twins. My best friends are twins, they would never act like this now. They did when they were about 14-16 but then they got over it.

I know no twins who act like this in their mid twenties.

[Bottlecap]

I would take this as an indication that you should not live together. By your mid-20s your sister should be your best friend, someone you would never label a failure or one without friends (both unspeakably cruel, IMO).

[Crazycatlaydee]

Spartans sorry I'm confused, what is the point of your post? To shock me, make me ashamed, boast about your twin friends? Not being facetious, genuinely confused.

Yes, I probably have a dysfunctional relationship with my dtwin. But I'm sure more of you than would care to admit have less than ideal sibling relationships. I'm admitting my failures and asking for constructive advice, not malicious vilification/horror...

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Wow, people don't understand irony much.

Breaking patterns in communication sis very hard. You have established the way you communicate over decades and that can be hard to stop. You should get some agreement that you will communicate differently. Agree with your DTwin that you will try to find different ways. And, most importantly, if you do say something like that IMMEDIATELY say something like, "sorry, that was hurtful and mean, I'm really sorry". IMMEDIATELY. Because it will do two things; make her feel better, and 'reward' you with an assuaging of the guilt. Which makes you more likely to behave better in future.

[nooka]

It sounds like you've got into a bit of a bad dynamic where fun bantering turns into something nasty without you (both) really meaning to but because you know each other very well you have access to lots of hot buttons. I think it's actually quite hard to change childhood dynamics, and not that unusual to fall into when you are on your own.

It will be changeable but I suspect it's more complex than just stopping. You'll need to talk to each other to figure out why you are behaving the way you are, it may well be something to do with being twins, too many comparisons from friends and family maybe? A need to differentiate between you perhaps? Who knows, you might need a mediator or counselor to help.

[Spartans]

My point is that it's not a twin thing. It's a maturity thing.

I didn't realise knowing several sets of twins was something to boast about

[Crazycatlaydee]

Would be interested to hear from twins here. I can't explain this succinctly but I have an extremely close relationship with her. But it's always been up and down. Yet I would trust her with my life. It's weird, yes. But she is my best friend in many ways. I'm hoping it's partly the fact we are living the life get her 24/7 and both trying to establish ourselves, it's a weird time and we're both in an odd kind of competition - we want the best for each other but also for ourselves if that makes sense.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

If you do have any experts in your area who do family counselling, communication/mediation etc. see if they do phone coaching or cheap training sessions. A bit of anger management/communication training makes you much more employable as well

[Spartans]

I don't get on with my dbro. I am not ashamed to admit it. We don't resort to shouting insults at each other. We are civil and chat when we see each other.

[Crazycatlaydee]

Spartans no I don't mean boasting about knowing them, I mean boasting about how mature and well adjusted your twin best friends are. Perhaps boasting was a poor choice of word.

[Crazycatlaydee]

Thank you v v much mrsterry, nooka and others, really excellent advice. I'm trying out the kindness thing as I type, it sounds so simple but I genuinely do want to it to work this time!