I know IWBU to say this but how U

[Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit]

DP has depression and I found out last week he had stopped taking his medication 2 weeks ago. This bout has lasted a year and he stops and starts the tablets. When he is bad he drinks too much, disappears all night and wont answer his phone to me. This happens on a weekly basis. He runs his own business and I work full time. We have a toddler and a dog.

We had just got past a month of him not drinking, I was starting to trust him again and basically unclench. Then I noticed his behaviour was deteriorating. He then admitted stopping taking his medication. He went to the Doctors on Fri and is now back on them but obviously they will take a while to settle again. In the meantime he wont get up, shouts at the dog, avoids our son and talks to me with a sneer on his face. Im doing all the night wakings with our son and am quite frankly exhausted with the lack of sleep, worry about him and stress at work. He quite often talks about ending his life.

This evening we argued about a favour my Dad was doing. Our son was in bed. I wanted a time to tell my Dad and he couldnt stop snapping. Eventually I snapped back and said he should go take another tablet. Obviously this was wrong but I couldnt take the bad attitude. He has now stormed out and i have no doubt he will stay out all night. I apologised but he said he couldnt even look at me. I dont know what to do/say now. Im just so cross that he stopped taling the tablets and the effect it has on us all.

I know it was a terrible thing to say.

[Prettyeyedpiratesmile]

I'm sorry OP that sounds like a shit situation. I really don't know what advice to offer. Could you spend a few nights at your parents with your son to get a break or would this exacerbate the situation?

[Lweji]

Did you mean take an overdose? Because othwewise I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

He has a responsibility towards you and the DC and he's messing it up by not taking his treatment seriously.
It's quite hard to be on your position, and there are limits. Nobody can expect you to be the sympathetic wife all the time.

[Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit]

I didnt mean to take an overdose, i dont know what I meant other than to draw attention that his bad attitude is down to him deciding to stop his medication suddenly and how angry I am about it. If this was a Doctor advised stop I would be fully behind him but he just decided again. Its not fair on any of us, I feel so lost

[Spartans]

It was an awful thing to say. It's quite shocking given the situation.

However havin cared for some with depression (my mum) and being the person with depression (dh cared for me). I have seen both sides. I would have been devastated if dh had said something like that. But I also know that I came close to saying awful things to mum. Living and caring for someone is so so so bloody hard. Even when you adore the person. I love my mum with all my heart, but sometimes caring for her drove me insane.

All you can do is apologise and tell him you know how awful it was. Remember you need some support too. Even just someone to talk to. My greatest support was a group that met at our local gps. All carers, all different ages. I loved it. I got chance to ask advice, a chance to moan, rage, listen to others stories, laugh and cry. It wasn't much but it got me through

[Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit]

Very few people know how ill he is, his family know but are no help. In a way not telling my family allows me to switch off sometimes and forget about it

[mileend2bermondsey]

It's a really, really horrible thing to say OP, but you know that. What has been said has been said and you can't take it back, you can only apologise and try to move forward together. You sound stressed and probably need to take a break and have some time to yourself.

[Prettyeyedpiratesmile]

Was the only thing you said to him "go and take another tablet"? I don't think YABU. I don't think you can construe that as "go and take an overdose" if he's pissed off OP then perhaps he's realising the impact of his behaviour on his family. You need a break OP.

[TravellingHopefully12]

It was an unfortunate thing to say, but anyone can and will break under that kind of pressure (the sort you are under.)

People with depression can display monumentally selfish behaviour as part of their illness (not saying that all do) and it is difficult for those who are with them. A sufferer of an illness be it mental or physical must understand the impact of this on their loved ones, and stopping taking his medication when he knows its impact is irresponsible.

He says he 'can't even look at you.' That is massively unfair. He has risked his own health, been unpleasant towards you, your pet and avoided your child. You snap and say one thing and he punishes you in that way.

My DP has depression btw, so I know how hellish it is for both of you. I also grew up with a bipolar parent. I am not undermining the experience of the mentally ill person - I am saying that your experience as their partner/child/friend/whatever is equally valid. It took me a long time to get that.

[catfordbetty]

It was a harsh thing to say but you were anxious and stressed too. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit]

That was honestly the only thing I said in retaliation. My dad was going to move and store some furniture to him and he started snapping at me when I reminded him my Dad needed a time. He told me to shut up and to go away several times, i said I just needed a time then blurted that out. I apologisef but he stormed out. That was 2 hours ago and his phone is off. I know I need a break but I cant see that happenning in any way

[junebirthdaygirl]

My dh has bipolar so lm no stranger to that whole situation. I don't think it's that bad considering he went off his meds and set all your lives back. People who are depressed do not have permission to say and do what they like and then cause a big hooha when something a bit mean is said to them. We have a complete understanding that no meds no staying with us. Also my dh doesn't drink and it's a complete no no with depression tablets. You said sorry. Your sin is not worse than his. Has he apologised to you? I have a big thing about people who live with someone who has depression having to be Mother Teresa all the time. He needs to take responsibility for his illness follow all doctors orders stay off drink and BE NICE. Just go on with your evening and don't get sucked into any more drama.

[ahbollocks]

I think he needs to go to give you some space for a while. I get that he is ill but sometimes there has to be a line drawn, especially when he is refusing help.

I'm sure people will think I'm cold bug I grew up in this sort of environment and I wish that my dad would have told my mum to sling her hook at her lowest points

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Depression makes people very self centred and unaware of the impact of their behaviour on others. But then if they are confronted with it, it's very upsetting and makes then feel worse than ever and they aren't in a place where they have effective coping strategies.

I'm sorry, I have no advice for you take care of yourself and your son first. As hard as that may be, you have to put yourself first.

[Littlef00t]

My DH has depression and is on anti-ds. He is well aware that messing with his mess is entirely selfish.

I can understand your comment, it is noticeable when DH has accidentally forgotten to take a tablet for a couple of days, he's grumpier and more argumentative. In the middle of a disagreement I will sometimes harshly ask 'have you been taking your meds?'. I would likely say a comment similar to yours in your circumstances.

It must be hard when your partner doesn't take his mental health seriously.

[Littlef00t]

Messing with his meds

[Lweji]

It looks like you need to wait until he's in a better place and have a very serious conversation with him. Including what you see doing if he stops medication and starts drinking again.

With my exH he ended up physically attacking me. Not sure how much was due to illness or mixing meds and alcohol, but he is on supervised contact with ds and facing a trial.

I'm sure your oh doesn't want to get to anything like that. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt his loved ones. But you may need to protect yourself and your DC at some point, if he doesn't.

Mind you, you may need to decide how much is illness and how much is actually abusive behaviour.

[Fugghetaboutit]

I think yanbu to say it and to deal with all that snapping. He's stupid for stopping his meds. You're only human yourself to take so much abuse

[IguanaTail]

Please don't worry. You are sleep-deprived and angry and desperately worried about him and your family. It's not surprising you snapped. It wasn't a fabulous thing to say but you are not responsible for him storming out all the time. Don't worry.

[Binkybix]

I actually don't think it was too bad a thing to say, given the background. On the past year I had a reasonably severe bout of depression and I know it was a strain on my DH, and I was nowhere near as hard work as your DH sounds.

[emotionsecho]

I don't think you were that unreasonable there has to be a limit as to how much you can or are expected to put up with or cope with.

The reason the situation has developed is because of his actions.

[Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit]

At least once a week he will get drunk and stay out all night. I might hear from him at 7pm saying he will be home "in a bit" and then thats it, nothing more until the morning when I get a sheepish apology.

DS wakes twice a night and our dog has to be let out once a night as well. DP maybe gets up with DS once every 4 nights. I get up for work at 6.15 am, Im in the office for 7.30 and dont finish until 6. I then do the majority of putting DS to bed etc.

The worry of DP sliding backwards and the sleepless nights when he stays out all night are starting to tip me over the edge. Im so angry at him being so selfish about his meds. I dont blame him for his illness but I blame him for this time as its his decision that has put us here

[Oldraver]

Stomping off out, getting drunk and staying out all night having turned his phone off is nothing to do with his depression. Its because he is selfish bastard

IMO there are lots of people who use depression as a cover for selfishness and abuse. I think your DH is one of them. Of course due to his depression and suicide threats you dont wantt to upset and challenge him

[ohmyeyebettymartin]

I have depression (though it's completely controlled if I take my meds, which I do religiously) and I don't see anything wrong with what you said (other than it being rude, but you knew that already).

The thing is, just because you don't suffer from depression doesn't mean that you never get stressed, worn out, overtired or fed up. In fact in our family DP (who doesn't have depression) is IMO far grumpier than me . You don't have to be perfect simply because your DP has some serious issues going on.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

I don't have any harsh words for you OP. You sound like a saint to me - a saint in the face of the kind of adverse behaviour that most of us never have to face. Perhaps everyone telling you how awful you are would take a minute to think about what your life must be like?
A pp made this point -

Stomping off out, getting drunk and staying out all night having turned his phone off is nothing to do with his depression. Its because he is selfish bastard

Read that. Read it again. It's absolutely true.

I hope you have time and a clear head to think because if I were you I'd be fucked if I'd waste my one life on a badly behaved ill tempered bastard who was totally unwilling to help himself.
for you.

[FixItUpChappie]

I think there needs to be some boundaries and bottom lines outlined. Not taking his mess, not doing everything possible to address his mental health issues should equal him finding some other place to live IMO. I agree with the poster who said that your experiences have as much validity as the ill persons.

You've turned into a carer instead of a partner, your husband is being emotionally abusive, is abusing alcohol, is not parenting, absolves himself of his responsibilities and has you walking on eggshells - who can judge a snappy comment really? .

A much larger conversation is clearly needed.